Dreams: the cow's tongue over my liver

At this moment, I cannot see the significance of my dreams. However, I will write them down in case the are important.

There were three with parallel themes. 

We were at the plant, and I was being shown how powder is sent through various compartments. There was one muffler-shaped compartment which was very important. Cement powder needed to be piped in there first, to expand a bit, before being sent out to my cement truck.

I feel as though I may have been in trouble, but I think it was more just being told very sternly how things worked.

There was a second dream very quickly. In the mess-hall area of the plant, my former boss was explaining a system he had invented for washing dishes. When the water got too cold, too oily, or did not have eough soap, the water would not be rejected, but cycled back through a system of tubes and pipes. This was all very highly engineered, and mirrored what was going on in the plant. He was very proud of his invention: it was not strictly necessary, but they were saving some water. He was assisted by a bright young Brazilian woman that I recognized from my student ministry.

Both the plant and the dishwashing system were running very well.

I was at the doctor’s and they were examining me. I had come in for fatigue and general feelings of unwell. A larger, older nurse with grey hair — whom I recognized as a former coworker — was examining me. This woman was generally competent, but had worked into her job from the bottom-up, rather than going to school. She was there because of seniority and cunning, not so much because of talent. She determined that I needed an operation, to install a new liver. I was not at all comfortable with her doing the operation.

I felt terribly rude, but asked for a second opinion.

Soon there was a very bright, young, petite woman doctor also in the room. I went to her and asked her very respectfully if she would do the surgery. She politely refused, and supported the first diagnosis. But it was not the diagnosis I doubted, but the competency of the doctor to perform the task. 

The nurse arrived with a blob of tissue, wrapped in bloody gauze. I was afraid when I saw it.

“So is this a human liver?” I asked. It seemed like they would have treated a human liver with more respect.

“No, it is a cow’s tongue.”

“Are you going to take my liver out?”

“No, we will just put this one alongside to help it out for a while.”

I was not at all comfortable with this, especially since the cows tongue seemed to have been exposed to the air, and bacteria. If they put it in me, I could go septic! 

I asked the young doctor again, but could not quite get up the courage to flat out ask her to do the surgery.

Miserably, I lay down to let them do it. The older nurse started poking me everywhere with a needle from a dentist’s office. “You really don’t look well,” she said. 

I could feel the pricking, and the numbing everywhere. “This isn’t how it is supposed to happen!” I thought or said. I became desperate and began to fight them off. 

That is when I woke myself up. It was turning into a nightmare.

***

Interpretation:

In all three dreams, there are complex systems: the plant, a dishwashing system, and the human body. In each, there were specific components that were highlighted. I especially remember the expansion chamber at the plant: it was very important. Also, my liver was highlighted. 

There were people working on each to make them work. Most of the people were competent, and the systems were working well. But there was one older nurse that was not competent. The system would be better left alone than tampered with by her.

For a terrifying moment this morning, I wondered if my body was warning me of problems with my liver. But I think the answer is more clear than that.

When I rested, half in sleep and half out, I thought of the healing journey/process I am on. It is complex, with many moving parts. My conscious mind does not know the way, but my subconscious is leading us out, as I also find resources and help.

Yesterday I opened up to a few friends. One of them began telling me that I should initiate a reconciliation with my parents. It doesn’t take much of a hint in this direction to awaken the guilt and the duty that held me prisoner for so long. I explained more of the situation, and my friend backed off from their position, then had to go, promising to resume the conversation later.

But at our last meeting, my counsellor also hinted about a reconciliation.

I feel as though there is pressure in that direction: but my “gut” (also, my inner child…they seem to be one and the same) knows this is not right. It is too soon. It is not the way things are supposed to work. It would be like removing that muffler section from the plant: powder would come exploding out of the plant and make a huge mess, rather than flowing gently out. (In other words: this part of the plant that seems unimportant is extremely important) Or, it would be like cutting me open to put a dirty cow’s tongue where my liver should be. 

When people try to push me to reconcile, I feel very unwell. I can’t handle them yet! But more than that…I’m not ready for them.

Both of the mechanical systems I saw spoke of organization and cleaning. The liver cleanses. 

The process needs to happen, with my liver functioning well. Processing out all of the poison, rewriting my story, healing from the inside out. I knew I would be better healing on my own, than being operated on by that nurse. That is what I need to do: continue the journey.

In the picture of the plant, there was this muffler thing for powder to go into and expand. It was to absorb “burps” (pockets of compressed air) in the powder, so it wouldn’t explode everywhere. 

Maybe that is my blog, and trusted friends: I need to have a safe (and quiet?) place to vent all of my frustrations and pain. So that it will not come exploding out into the world and harm things.

What is the cow’s tongue? I get the image of a cow speaking folly. But also licking.  I can see a lot of saliva all over, and it is making me sick. This is harder to interpret.

Is the cow’s tongue a symbol of silence? (Cow’s don’t talk) Or servitude and compliance? (Cows are domesticated, and steers are castrated) At any rate, it is meant to “help” my liver, but it can only harm it by defiling it and taking over its function.

Maybe it is a symbol of a weak and superficial reconciliation. Like a dog licking your leg to reconcile. I am not really sure.

But what does seem apparent is that I need a functioning liver. I need this process to take its course: and I cannot have something alien shoved in. I am being told that this is what I need, but they are wrong. My journey is very complex, and (though I am sick) my body can fight for me. And all of the components of it are necessary.

I think this is a dream telling me to believe in myself, in the journey I know that I am on, and need to take, and not to listen to others who tell me to do it differently. There are reasons for what I am doing, even if I cannot always articulate them well.

***

Update: today, I had a follow up appointment with the same doctor who had pointed out that dizziness might be associated with psychological problems. She was extremely understanding again. She said that physically, my blood work came back superb. I am in perfect physical health. So that was a relief! She also did a quick test to make sure there was nothing wrong with my inner ear, which there was not. We then discussed counselling options, and she got me lined up for an EMDR session. It may take a month or two to get it figured out. 

We discussed meds (I brought them up) but she said that I really didn’t seem to need them. “You seem to just radiate peace right now,” she said, “you seem to be in a much different place emotionally than the last time I saw you. I don’t even know what I would prescribe for you right now..” I agreed with her. It seems that what I am mostly needing is an ability to journal, and counsellors that will listen to me.

On that note, she asked how it was going with counseling, and I answered honestly that I felt like my counsellor was talking a lot, but not really stopping to listen to me. I had handed him a stack of very personal journal articles (much of the content of this log) but the content in our sessions still seems kind of prepackaged. Not specific to myself. She strongly recommended that if it wasn’t working, I switched to a different counselor. I said I had been thinking that, and agreed that could be a good move.

I felt very listen to and validated. On the way out, I stopped in the bathroom. I’ve had my head and did a little EMD are tapping session. I told my inner child, “I will let you speak!” And I felt like a strong, animal like voice, (like a throaty roar...strong, but also kind...) said, “let me speak! I must speak!”

At that moment, I thought that the dream that my subconscious had given me was about the doctors appointment. My conscious mind hadn’t even remembered that I had a doctors appointment that day. Consciously I was thinking about work and other things. But my body remembered. And I think my subconscious mind was afraid of taking meds which would numb its ability to speak to me. I felt so strongly that “my gut knows where to go.” Does that make sense? I feel like I am on a journey. And as long as I listen to the inner voice — whether that is my gut or my inner child or whatever – and also get the guidance I need from people who will listen to me, I will find my way out. Yes, some days may be really intense. But I think I can handle it as long as I am allowed to express myself fully. 

And so far, this blog has really been helping with that.