Throwing Apples

I had a dream sometime this summer. We had watched super-girl before bed. In the movie, there is a powerful “mother-in-law” character who is seeking to destroy and enslave  the world. In my dream, I had been given the series of power, and was flying strongly over my city, when the mother-in-law saw me. I fled and hid. But she found me instantly. I hid again, and again. Every time, she found me. Then, I flew into a house, into a building, and hid in a closet from my childhood, with a sheet over me. I heard her steps approach. Her hands rested on my head and followed my neck and shoulders over the sheet. Her hands were soft, but in total control. She had found me. It was all over. As I woke from the dream, part of my mind said, “but you have the sword of power! Her abdomen is right there! You could wound her, and make her go away!” But the louder part of my mind said, “but I don’t want to hurt her.” I woke feeling very confused, hurting, and controlled. ** Interpret

I had been avoiding my parents for several weeks. I do not know how, but I knew it was time to call. Then I started getting phone calls and some texts. I knew that the intensity was rising, and I needed to call back soon to keep the peace. I set a day aside and journaled out a bunch of things the could say, and what I would say in response. It seemed like the list of possibilities was endless. I was expecting a fight, as our last call was pretty tense. When I felt ready, I got up the courage and picked up the phone. My mom answered the phone. That was not what I was expecting: I was all ready to do battle with my dad. We had a light, fairly superficial call. Dad was not available until lunch time in an hour.  "We've missed hearing from you." She said, and something else that I forget now, which sounded innocent enough, but was intended to make me feel bad. On my sheet, I circled where I had written; "I am not responsible for your emotions -- I never was.

Notes from “Narcissistic Parents: Healing from Distant and Self-Involved Parents.” [Note: this was the first book I read that put the topics of narcissism and parenting together. Huge lightbulbs went off! Wow, what an experience it was, reading this book! I have here collected some of the more important quotes. I will discuss these themes at length in later posts. My reflections are at the bottom] Confidence and self-belief are healthy, but overconfidence and believing your positive attributes make you better than other people crosses from healthy to extreme narcissism. A Narcissistic Parent Do Favoritism  A narcissistic parent constantly chooses one child over the other children, and it is a common symptom of a narcissistic parental personality disorder. ….but that is only valid if her golden child does whatever she says. Once he/she stops listening to her, then he is like the other children to her. This habit creates hatred among the siblings, and one child has etern

The visit had been planned for months. Or, my mom had been trying to plan it for months. We kept pushing her off for two reasons. First, because we sincerely didn't know our future plans. And secondly, if we made a plan and she bought tickets, then we would be obligated to fit our plans around her. And so we kept pushing it off. Finally, it was a week before they were planning to come, and the plan we had anticipated came into place. We were leaving missions, and would relocate dramatically. Selling our house and moving across the country. A season was coming to an end. I called my younger brother to break the news to him. He was disappointed, but I assured him we would get together before I left. Less than half an hour later, the phone rang. It was my dad. "Oh, hello. I was literally just going to call you." "So, I heard we are not going to see you this summer?" "Oh, really? I only just made that decision an hour ago. I was just pickin

Context: my parents had been trying to nail down a date for our summer plans for almost six months. My wife and I kept putting them off. I couldn't put my finger on why. This journal is my attempt to understand what was going on inside of me. Why do I feel it is unresolved? - We don't have a location - I don't know if my wife wants to go (she says she does not...OK, I know she does not want to go) - I don't know if I want to go... Why don't I just resolve it? - As soon as I set a place, my mom will   - Overplan like crazy   - Add additional days/time   - Micro-manage everything   - Just generally go crazy   - ...and take control - I am still somewhat traumatized from the last visit   - Did I see something?   - Am I being over-suspicious?   - It makes me sick   - What if I am not wrong?   - They were so strong, and so quick!   - I felt like I couldn't stay ahead of them, keep them away from my children...   - I do not feel safe around them

Today I discussed with a counsellor my frustrations at not being able to express myself, and he suggested writing under a pseudonym. And so here I am. This is a blog about a good boy, a pastor, a former missionary, a father, and a dedicated Jesus-follower making sense of his childhood raised by...emotionally difficult...fundamentalist parents. I am still mid-journey, but I am finding that I process through writing, and I believe that this blog will be a private and a helpful place for me to do that. Over the past six months or so, a "gut" feeling, which caused me to cancel a visit has lead me on a journey of discovery. I have learned that the label "narcissism" fits my parents quite well. Also, "emotionally immature." Also, books which speak of "evil" parents and "toxic" parents have rung true. I have temporarily cut off contact, and I feel that I am just experiencing the tip of the iceberg of their fury. The worst is yet to come.