Throwing Apples

The River Event: - Dad attempted to walk across a river with three boys, at a small slate rapids/falls often enjoyed by tubers. I could not hold his hand, since he was already holding two boys. When I told him I was slipping, he yelled (or growled?) angrily at me to not fall. I did fall and was swept downstream. Realizing there was a deep pool at the bottom of the  I yelled, and an unknown bystander ran into the river and saved me. Family interpretation - (Implied) “wow, what an adventure!” - “Wow, you sure yelled!” (Embarrassment? Naming me as a “loud-mouth”?) Childhood interpretation - Great story to tell friends! - Shame: I chose to fall (still unsure if this is true or not, on some level) - Gratitude to stranger     - Confusion, as I later saw him littering     - Confusion, also, that dad wouldn’t let me go and thank him Adult interpretation - My dad was very foolish, and almost killed me as a child - If I did fall because I was mad about not being able to hol

I began my run by listening to your mother, by pink Floyd Mother, do you think they'll drop the bomb? Mother, do you think they'll like the song? Mother, do you think they'll try to break my balls? Mother, should I build the wall? Mother, should I run for president? Mother, should I trust the government? Mother, will they put me in the firing line? Is it just a waste of time? Hush now baby, baby, don't you cry. Mamma's gonna make all of your nightmares come true. Mamma's gonna put all of her fears into you. Mamma's gonna keep you right here under her wing, She won't let you fly but she might let you sing. Mamma's gonna keep baby cosy and warm. Oooh babe Oooh babe Lyrics continue below Ooh babe, of course Mamma's gonna help build the wall. Mother, do think she's good enough... for me? Mother, do think she's dangerous... to me? Mother, will she tear your little boy apart? Mother, will she break my heart? Hush now b

Key Principles: 1. These people are my (biological) parents, not my friends 2. I am not responsible for their emotions: I never was 3. They have lost all normal rights and privileges through their sins 4. They have shown themselves to be dangerous on every level 5. They have shown themselves to be a very significant threat to myself, my health, and my family 6. I do not need to give them access to:     1. My children     2. My private thoughts     3. My house     4. My possessions 7. If I chose to give them access, it is a pure gift to someone who does not deserve it Note carefully: Protect your joys and successes, especially those you made without, or in spite of them. They will try to destroy them Note: What is going on inside of me feels like a huge conflict and crisis: but what I want them to feel is only a slow, cool, calm moving away. I’m not angry and wrathful and vengeful. I am just not really interested in spending time with them. I have other things to do wit

Last night I had some troubling dreams... I dreamed that I was scheduled to visit my younger brother, but unable to go. My dad called to say, “did you know he has to have a surgery?” “No, I had not been told.” “Oh..” His silence hung in the air, wet with disapproval. Shame hung heavily over me. I knew somehow that the surgery was to remove his testicles, due to testicular cancer, but nobody would tell me anything. We were driving through a town, and stopped to get a deal on pizza. The pizzeria became the halls of a high school or college, and I saw on a billboard: My mom was doing a book release! In desperation I was trying to tell my wife, “we need to get out of here..” but it was too late. We left the grocery store, but there was my mom, standing in front of our van. I was awkwardly trying to walk past her. Not really talking to her, trying to get the kids in the van. Now, we were in the parking lot in my hometown. When I woke, I thought, “maybe I needed to get ang

Right now. For just now. My purpose is breaking the generational sins. It ends NOW. It’s working on myself so we can raise good solid kids. It’s focusing on raising them right. As they grow, it’ll get more meaningful. Conversations with them, shepherding and discipleship. For example: our son last night coming to us and we talked about introvert/extrovert. Talked about love languages. And how it helps us have better relationships and show love in better ways. That was discipleship! And there’s only going to be more and more of that as the kids grow! Rewards among the mundane. Good reminders: -our oldest feeling free to get out of bed to come talk to us tonight. Open communication! Meeting his emotional need! -hugs, eye contact... those are ways we are eighth now working on breaking generational sins. Meeting their needs that will lead to discipleship as they get preteens and teens. -maybe having teens won’t just be negative but fulfilling!!! -this desire for more is like a p

Chase health, and you will find God Find health, and ministries will find you. Chase ministries, and you will loose health Loose health, and you will loose touch with God And ministries will devour you. Lay Isaac on the altar? Who is Isaac? What is the altar? Isaac is our most beloved. Altar is obedience. What are we commanded? Husbands, love your wives. Provide for your own — especially the members of your own family. But is there not a time to leave father, mother...wife...daughter...? For God...sometimes...yes For the Muslim convert, sometimes, tragically, yes ...for the married unbeliever that will not reconcile? Who forces us to choose? ...sometimes, yes... Involuntarily. God has called us to peace. Let them go. ...for sickness, injury or imprisonments? Nowhere is safe. Some places less than others. Sometimes, yes, the price is counted, and dangers are faced. ...but do we lay families, wives, children on the altar...of ministry? Which is Isaac, whic

I asked my counsellor, "What does a pedophile look like?" He responded... - [ ] Somewhat charming - [ ] Manipulative - [ ] Childish - [ ] Immature - [ ] Incredibly self deceived - [ ] Trauma history - [ ] Significant boundary issues - [ ] Secretive - [ ] The clever ones: “you would never know” - [ ] Found a way to “partition their souls” so that there are two operating systems running, don’t talk to one another (part of how they keep it so secret) This last one explains how a person can be a pedophile, and a Christian. It is like multiple personality disorder. Actually, it seems to be exactly the same thing, but a milder form of it. You know, in multiple personality disorder, a person cannot deal with a trauma, and so they section off a part of themselves, and that part of them will deal with the trauma. It is like that with pedophilia. And that is why they can get away with it, and why they can be such charming and "clean" people on the outside.  Thi

Parents Note: what has happened in me has been huge. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I need to have a huge confrontation with them. A better approach may be a quiet but firm shift. Let them initiate a conflict later if they want: then it is on them, not on me. Scenario One: detached contact * they are my parents, not my friends. They will not be the friends of my children. * I will research techniques (eg. Social workers) for keeping myself safe, avoiding sharing personal details - I will unfollow (and block?) them on Facebook - They will never be alone with my children - We may visit them occasionally (once every two years?) in a controlled environment, such as a restaurant (everyone is sitting and their hands are occupied in a restaurant. I can keep track of them there..) I may visit them with only one child at a time - They may send Christmas and birthday gifts, but we will remove all personal messages. We will not send them pictures of the kids opening the gifts.

Nightmare I was woken up at 4:00 am with a nightmare. I had killed her. It was a little evil woman that had been tormenting my wife and I. I don’t remember all of the dream. But this little evil being had been part of a conspiracy against us. Her words were so evil. Finally I grabbed her by the neck, and squeezed. Just enough to make her stop talking. I can still feel the wrinkly, stale filth of her body under my hand. Her neck felt like squeezing a roll of very old leather. She had a very prominent Adam’s apple. It is thus that I squeezed. But this was part of their plan. They had weakened her neck, and it broke, and she died. They had won because now I was a murderer. The little being — “a vexen, I thought” even though I’m not sure what that means — was about the size of a baby, but all grown up and withered like an old woman. But even now she wasn’t dead. Maybe she wasn’t a thing that could die. But she was dead enough to condemn me...I was a murderer *** I also su

Today in counselling, I opened up about my parents issues, especially my fathers rage. I talked some about my childhood and being raised with anger as a tool for discipline. But far more difficult we’re the times as an adult when he would not let me have my own suave and my own ideas, but yelled at me, yelled at my wife, accused us, called us ungodly and even threatened to disown me on more than one occasion, simply for holding a different adult position than himself, or for putting up some boundaries. The session was one hour long, and the words fell thick and wet for an hour and five minutes. Then the counsellor looked at the clock, apologized, and told us we would pick it up tomorrow. I left wrecked emotionally. I leaned on my wife and sobbed quietly in the hall. “Can you pick up the kids? I’d like to go for a run.” “Go! I love you!” I got my shoes and ear buds, and was soon on the trail. I was intending to listen to a podcast, but that app was frozen, so I listened to Lau

[Note: In November, my family went to a retreat centre where counselling and group therapy were offered, with a special emphasis on ministry families. The following is a synopsis of the time that I gave my testimony in group therapy] Sharing my Testimony I shared my testimony, which focused mostly on our time in Africa as missionaries, and the tragedy of loosing a dream, since we had to return home after only seven months overseas. I had mentioned that in going, I had written in my journal “God, I want to be a martyr for you…but I don’t want my family to suffer.” Afterwards, the comments were: “I see that you have a lot of strings in a lot of directions, especially as a dad. I see that you are trying very hard to care for everyone, and I feel for that.” 
“I validate the struggle to want to give big for God, but not wanting to make your family suffer.” “I felt that when you talked about wanting to die as a martyr, that may have spoken of worth. That you didn’t value yours