Throwing Apples

I think that it is time for me to draw this blog to a close. I wanted to send out a note to thank everyone who has been reading along. During these very intense six months, this blog has helped me to: 1) Define and clearly understand certain terms such as narcissism, psychopathy, evil and "no contact" 2) To comprehend and find some level of healing for my difficult childhood 3) To decide, and become very comfortable with my decision of cutting off all contact with my own parents I am feeling a shift in myself since: 1) I no longer have the desire to talk or think at length about my parents. I have to stifle the urge to yawn when they are brought up. I feel like a veil pulls over my mind's eye when I think about them. It's not fun to think about such wicked people, and there does not seem to be new or relevant things to think about.  2) I do not feel a desire to go deeper into the key issues of this blog, such as the nuances of narcissism, psych

👇 my commentary below 👇 O Lord, You have searched me and known me . You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O Lord, You know it all. You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such  knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it. Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,” Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You. For You form

I may not agre with all of the solutions being proposed, but I do agree that there is a problem. Racism is still an issue, and systemic racism still cuts deeply, even in places where racism is outlawed. I affirm with passion that black lives matter. I do not think that I need to add “and so do white lives,” because that is implied. All lives matter because there is only one race, the human race.  But there is one race which is particularly hurting, especially after watching a brutal murder of one of their own. Fir this reason it is appropriate, now, to affirm the value of all life — and particularly black lives.  Many people and agendas seem to be capitalizing on this crisis.  I believe that peaceful protest is the answer, and looting and violence is both wrong and unhelpful.  I believe that all peoples and cultures are equal. I do not agree with those who believe that whites, men, the rich, the elderly, the young, or some combination there within are less human, or les

I had a guilty thought that turned to humour.  Am I gossiping? Putting this material out on Facebook? Trying to send out rippling vibes of my perspective? Is thus wrong? Then a chuckle started inside of me.  “All I am doing us calling out evil, abuse and narcissism. I am not naming names!” ...but...if the shoe fits, wear it.  It seems pretty plain to me that flying monkey #1 knows exactly who I am talking about. But isn’t this an indication of how evil they are? I have not named names. I did mention overbearing parents: but that could easily have applied to situations of my students, or the situation in general.  I am finding this very funny. I sense that I am not conveying it: but it is funny!  “You’re gossiping about your parents.” “No I’m not. I’m just drawing attention to evil and narcissism.” “Yes, but I know you’re taking about your parents!” “How?” “...” “Tell me, how?” “...” “Because...they’re evil and narcissistic...?

Definition Narcissism is an extreme self-focus This self focus causes certain predictable patterns of pain and trauma  There are different types of narcissism, and other conditions, such as psychopaths, sociopaths, sadists, codependency, etc. Which provide further precision  There are a range of words and expressions which have been coined to help identify the key issues in toxic relationships  These same issues were examined, from a religious point of view, in the Bible.  There is much overlap, but one cannot simply equate things: psychology provides a more scientific and precise view, while the Bible provides a more wholistic, religious view, which integrates faith and the believing community.  Note to reader: may be overwhelming to read all of these, knowing much depth behind each of them Suggest taking tests, evaluating toxic person. Focusing on 2-4 that apply Note 2: often self-doubt. Leads yo thoughts of “I’m just as bad.” Consider taking tests yourself. Find out

Rescue me, O Lord, from evil men; Preserve me from violent men Who devise evil things in their hearts; They continually stir up wars. They sharpen their tongues as a serpent; Poison of a viper is under their lips. [ a ]Selah. Keep me, O Lord, from the hands of the wicked; Preserve me from violent men Who have [ b ]purposed to [ c ]trip up my feet. The proud have hidden a trap for me, and cords; They have spread a net by the [ d ]wayside; They have set snares for me. Selah. I said to the Lord, “You are my God; Give ear, O Lord, to the voice of my supplications. “O [ e ]God the Lord, the strength of my salvation, You have covered my head in the day of [ f ]battle. “Do not grant, O Lord, the desires of the wicked; Do not promote his evil device, that they not be exalted. Selah. “As for the head of those who surround me, May the mischief of their lips cover them. “May burning coals fall upon them; May they be cast into the fire, Into [ g ]

Yesterday I posted: Today I posted: Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) affects around 17% of the general population. If you have ever worked with a very difficult person, who fits these characteristics, you may have dealt with a narcissist. Statistically, adults with NPD almost never change, and their destructive behaviours cause others to need to set very tough boundaries, often including going no contact. *** This is faster than I meant to, but it feels right. Those close to me can put the pieces together now, already. Those far away can begin to guess some of my issues.  It feels empowering to get some of my side of the story out. It is my life, damnit! I’m allowed to speak! And now, the abusers do not have power to shame me through threatening to break the image of idyllic family life, or through only sharing their side.  I also know that this story will help so many others who are not able to speak. 

I have begun to realize that things I have considered to be part of my personality (aka inseparable from my core self) and skills are really marks of my trauma, and symptoms of a disordered/recovering mind. These include: Hypersensitivity (to emotions) I used to pride myself on my ability to read emotions. This can be useful, for example, in reading character, and protecting myself.  It can also very quickly become draining. Whereas others experience a room full of smiling people, I experience every heartache, angry face, and cold shoulder in the room.  It can also be used against me. Abusers can intuitively sense when others are hypersensitive, and use it against us. This is the “perfect crime,” from their perspective. They can emotionally abuse by simply projecting their anger: even walking into the room in an aggressive way can make a hypersensitive person tremble. But how could they ever be called out on it? What have they really done...? In order to help me reduce my

I had a dream last night that I met my parents.  We were in some rented buildings of some sort in Russia. It was winter and dark and cold. I wonder if we were in Russia because of the slow way that Russia “creeps” in their influence, invading other countries and influencing the politics of other nations. I was alone with the kids, and my parents came for a visit, which we had agreed to. I went to the visit, however, feeling as though I would not put up with nonsense, and that my parents would do some nonsense.  I was right. They had left the lights on in my apartment, and the front and back doors open with the heat on for two days. I confronted them on their lack of care, and their wasting of my money, and things quickly escalated. My birth father shrugged it off, then tried a number of tactics that I cannot remember (probably, bullying me, yelling louder than me, guilt tripping, and the like), but I ignored or overpowered all of them. Then, he really ramped up

If you have struggled with debilitating self-shaming thoughts such as, “I’m such a screw up,” and “I can never get it right,” from your earliest age, this is no accident. You were not born with that: somebody put those thoughts in there. Why? Look around. Likely, there was a primary caregiver that was insecure enough to undermine *any* good person in their life: even if that meant destroying the self esteem of their own child. 

Notes from beginning the book, " Spiritual Abuse " Author speaks of a profound experience with God, we are God met them in a place of emotional abandonment, and gave deep purpose to his life. I resonate with this. Author speaks of the early days in the 1960s and 70s, attending disorganized and exuberant church services. Many drug users and people living wild lives found new direction and purpose through Jesus. This resonates very much with myself, this was the childhood of my parents. This was the environment in which I was raised for my early years. Author speaks of his first pastor, who was at first a rock ‘n’ roll womanizing man, who got married, but continued his Waze. When his marriage was close to divorce due to adultery, his wife found Christ. She began changing, praying for him, submitting, and being kind. Suddenly, he read a Bible and also became converted. He had a number of miraculous experiences, in which he experienced the power of God. He became a very pas

I had a really good session with Karen today. I guess this would be our third session. We seem to be settling into a good rhythm. I really feel that she hears and understands me.  Although I was originally off-put by her training in feminism, I am finding that she is very understanding of the ways that I was abused through power dynamics. This is exactly at the heart of my issues, as my birth father and my birth mother were very controlling, each in their own ways.  She has been reading my blog, which I have much appreciated. She mentioned that confronting my parents as a young child must have taken incredible courage: I said that it did. She said that it was very evident that I had been picked out as the “glue,” and arbiter of the family. She said that this is called “narcissistic triangulation,” where people in dysfunctional relationships select someone to go between them. I discussed how my wife and I are discussing how to react to my parents: through assertivenes