Throwing Apples

Today, I found out that there was a case of Coronavirus in a nearby town, and all schools are shut down for three weeks. Also, today we got the keys and took the kids to our new house. What big changes! It is…nerve wracking? To do both of these things together. Relocate, resettle…and go through a pandemic? But then my wife and I started talking. “What if we were still missionaries?” I often said to myself (but not to her…but she knew…) that we were in a precarious place. If one donor left…we could be OK. But a big donor? That could ruin us. If several left at once? We could go bankrupt. Really. Fortunately, our donors were separated by distance and were not linked other than through us. One danger that we both knew of (my wife knew more than I, I see it now) is my parents. Imagine if I had pulled away then! They would have spread rumours and sabotaged us. They are doing that now, but it doesn’t matter. Not financially, anyway. But now…this. With the upset to the global economy...

How my father's narcissism cut down my career options and taught me to limit myself I had the opportunity to work with Joe (my narcissist supervisor) and Kim (who was raised in an abusive home, and has many narcissist or codependent tendencies) a few days ago. They were many small insights from the day, but I likely won’t have time to journal them. There is just too much happening right now. To catch it all. One thing I thought was very significant was when I came home, and began working. I had told my wife that I would like to work alone with headphones. We are moving right now, and the next task was to take apart the beds. When I get to work alone with headphones, that is “me,“ time. I really enjoy it! So that would be a treat for me. I said I would be willing to watch some kids while I work, but not so thrilled about it. As I begin to work, my second oldest volunteer to help. He is of the age where he can actually be some use, so I quietly put away my headphones and...

Much that passes for ministry is really poor boundaries, messiah complex, gossip, and meddling. In other words, being busy bodies. Which is actually a sin.   1 Tim. 5:13, 2 Thess. 3:11, 1 Pet. 4:15 (I wrote this for Facebook, but lacked the courage to post it publicly, so I posted it in a private group. People didn’t seem to know what to make of it. The point of it is…how much of what my father and especially my mother did in the name of “christian ministry” and “God” were really ministry? And how much was it really just neediness? Finding needy people, and adopting them? Making their problems their own. Needing to be needed.  And…weakening people. Really. Weakening them. Making them less strong. Sucking the life out of them. And gossiping and meddling and doing downright unholy things like that?  How much?  People around town think of my parents as religious, pious, even holy folks. But I know differntly. 

I have prayed for a spiritual covering, and to be robed in Christ Jesus. I want to look “from a distance” at this dream. We will see how far the Spirit allows me to go. The scene for this dream (when I woke up) was a Christian summer camp I went to in my teens. However, before that there was a cabin in the woods. It was not really a cabin: more of a shack. Warped boards, leaning crookedly against each other, lifting up towards a thatched roof creating an impossibly small space. It was a witch’s hut, and there was a witch in it. A boardwalk ran from that hRouse to the main chapel.  There was something about a mark on my hand: that I too had the gift. This is the part that really felt “off” to me as I tried to write the dream earlier. The earlier portions of this dream have faded, like they are off limits to my conscious mind. Or simply forgotten.  I do remember that I knew the witch. It may have been my mother, but…no, it was not my mother. But it may have lived ...

In Africa, my wife’s body rebelled against her, and against the heat. She was in constant physical distress: always in heat exhaustion, and often close to heat stroke. This caused us a lot of stress. One thing I particularly worried about was, “what if we have an accident, and the car is stuck immobile for hours?” She could not survive without AC, and I could imagine her dying in front of our children, with an angry mob outside. One day, my fears seemed to be realized. I was turning in to our compound. To do so, I needed to turn through oncoming traffic. Traffic was not the same there as it is here. Motorcycles wizzed by at incredible speeds, cars drove by not much slower, bicycles passed, camels plodded along, pedestrians wandered about, and cows chewed cud and garbage watching the whole thing. On this very corner, a missionary had been involved in a fatal accident a few years ago: by my accident was not fatal, because God delivered me from that. As I was turning left, a reckles...

The River Event: - Dad attempted to walk across a river with three boys, at a small slate rapids/falls often enjoyed by tubers. I could not hold his hand, since he was already holding two boys. When I told him I was slipping, he yelled (or growled?) angrily at me to not fall. I did fall and was swept downstream. Realizing there was a deep pool at the bottom of the  I yelled, and an unknown bystander ran into the river and saved me. Family interpretation - (Implied) “wow, what an adventure!” - “Wow, you sure yelled!” (Embarrassment? Naming me as a “loud-mouth”?) Childhood interpretation - Great story to tell friends! - Shame: I chose to fall (still unsure if this is true or not, on some level) - Gratitude to stranger     - Confusion, as I later saw him littering     - Confusion, also, that dad wouldn’t let me go and thank him Adult interpretation - My dad was very foolish, and almost killed me as a child - If I did fall because I was mad abo...

Right now. For just now. My purpose is breaking the generational sins. It ends NOW. It’s working on myself so we can raise good solid kids. It’s focusing on raising them right. As they grow, it’ll get more meaningful. Conversations with them, shepherding and discipleship. For example: our son last night coming to us and we talked about introvert/extrovert. Talked about love languages. And how it helps us have better relationships and show love in better ways. That was discipleship! And there’s only going to be more and more of that as the kids grow! Rewards among the mundane. Good reminders: -our oldest feeling free to get out of bed to come talk to us tonight. Open communication! Meeting his emotional need! -hugs, eye contact... those are ways we are eighth now working on breaking generational sins. Meeting their needs that will lead to discipleship as they get preteens and teens. -maybe having teens won’t just be negative but fulfilling!!! -this desire for more is like a p...

Chase health, and you will find God Find health, and ministries will find you. Chase ministries, and you will loose health Loose health, and you will loose touch with God And ministries will devour you. Lay Isaac on the altar? Who is Isaac? What is the altar? Isaac is our most beloved. Altar is obedience. What are we commanded? Husbands, love your wives. Provide for your own — especially the members of your own family. But is there not a time to leave father, mother...wife...daughter...? For God...sometimes...yes For the Muslim convert, sometimes, tragically, yes ...for the married unbeliever that will not reconcile? Who forces us to choose? ...sometimes, yes... Involuntarily. God has called us to peace. Let them go. ...for sickness, injury or imprisonments? Nowhere is safe. Some places less than others. Sometimes, yes, the price is counted, and dangers are faced. ...but do we lay families, wives, children on the altar...of ministry? Which is Isaac, whic...

What We Will Say to Others: “We feel that our work in here is done, and are seeking God for the next chapter of our lives. We will be returning to a retreat centre in Michigan for a month, then to our hometown for a season of sabbatical, until God makes it clear what the next chapter of our lives will be. What We May Say to Close Friends: (Why We’re Leaving) 1. For a Career/Calling that is Satisfying - This one has never really fit: it was a rebound from something else, a ministry that did fit - I do not want to live my life “coasting” or cobbling things together: I can do better than that! - I want to be able to tell people what I do for a living, and feel good about it. It’s silly, but *I want a job description!* - I know that God has something out there for me that will really “fit” and feel awesome for me, and be awesome for the kingdom 2. To be off support - I don’t want to have to ask people for money anymore. It started off hard, and it has gotten worse. It just...