Throwing Apples

The following is my analysis of the e-mail that I received from my mom, after I asked for space . Ishmael, it is morally and biblically wrong and even illegal what you are doing (“In no case may the father or mother, without a grave reason, interfere with personal relations between the child and his grandparents.” -  _____ law. ) We’re not living in ______ anymore. These are laws for deciding custody battles. Since my marriage is strong, and my kids have never spent so much as a night alone with you, there is zero chance of winning a custody battle...but I won’t forget that you threatened legal action against me...how long did you spend researching laws in various countries, before you wrote this e-mail? You seem very dedicated to the task of winning some sort of court case against me. This is information that I will remember. In Psalms and in Deuteronomy, we are commanded by God to teach our children and their children after them. False. There are no such verses. I checke

Note: I recently began a new job. I have two new coworkers: Kim is a few years younger than I. We have worked together before. He's a good guy, but has temper issues. He comes from a similarly abusive home: I now realize that is why I always understood him so well. I also have a new coworker named Joe, who is a certifiable narcissist. These two coworkers will be figuring prominently in my journal for a while. Kim said, “I have social anxiety about meeting new people.” I thought, “I know. I have that too.” Then I thought…I have anxiety because I am assuming that people will be harsh with me, just like my dad was. I told him later, “I am a forgetful person.” I regretted it as soon as I said it. Am I a forgetful person? Certainly, I am not as good at remembering details as my wife — but then, very few people are as good at remembering things as she is. She is a very organized person. I think I am more average: I think a lot of people are like myself. But when I get really flu

(This is a synopsis of a hypnotherapy appointment. For the previous one, concerning my mom, see here ) Memory 1: I was playing with a train set with some other kids. One girl was younger than I. I took a curved and a straight train set, and put them together as a gun, and gave it to her. The adults in the room reacted in horror, and my dad slapped them out of my hands. “Don’t play with guns.” He said this because he was embarrassed because of the other parents in the room. “What did you learn from that experience?” I learned to pay attention. “What else did you learn?” I learned that I could be disciplined for something, even when I had not been told something was wrong. “Any other memories attached to this?” I remember colouring a picture with Grandma in the same house. I felt very sleepy. I asked for a certain colour, and grandma told me she had more pencils in another room. I said I would make due with the colours I had: I didn’t feel like going to the other room to

God is not a narcissist 1. His wrath is not unpredictable: he gives clear instructions, is patient, discipline is proportionate to the action 2. His love is not needy: he gives himself freely in love, which may (or may not) result in gratitude, and love freely given from his children 3. He does not try to control outcomes: but created a garden with a “way out.” Creates options, to enable adult decision making, and maturity God is God (a narcissist can’t put themselves in this position) 1. Believing they are right all the time (even God changed his mind on some things) 2. Believe that they are in the right all the time (only God has the perfect moral authority, and perspective to see every issue rightly) 3. Require lifelong obedience (children obey while children: but all must obey God for life) 4. Believing that their rage/wrath is justified (God’s wrath is against sin, but especially against the oppression of the weak by the strong, and religious hypocrisy. But an

I am a blogger/podcaster/etc. My mom was always my biggest fan. 🙄 But plenty of others found my material interesting too: I have a large following on social media channels. I have been actively working to establish my “brand” online. Recently, I have been getting into emotional health, and growing past my codependent tendencies. Tensions began rising with my parents, but I didn't see the connection. I developed an irrational fear that "someone out there was out to get me," and began censoring my own content, until almost nothing was going out (got some great content just taking up space on my hard drive). In the last couple months, I have blocked my mom on facebook , and blocked her from commenting on my blog. What a relief! However, it was short lived because when I did post, she sent me an angry, manipulative e-mail gaslighting memories I had mentioned in the post, and trying to control and shame me.

I’m between a rock and a hard place. Do I just keep “grey stoning”

A normal child fears to dissapoint their parents because, on some level, they empathize with their parents. They don’t want to make thier parents sad, because making them sad would make themselves feel sad. That is healthy. The child of a narcissist fears rejection. A narcissist idealizes, devalues, discards. The child has seen it done: done with family, done with friends who were treated like family. Done to people who seemed so integral, and were made to feel so special, that it seemed like it could never happen to them. But it did. Usually, because they did not follow the rules. But sometimes, even if they followed the rules. The Narcissist just tired and moved on. Maybe that is why Romans 8 spoke to me so deeply. “You have not been given a spirit of slavery, leading to fear again, but of adoption as sons, by which you cry out, ‘abba, father.’” When that really hit home…REALLY hit home, through counselling, I feel like God healed the deep wound of rejection in my heart. I had

In the book Jumper, the protagonist is raised by a physically and verbally abusive father. He discovers he has the power to teleport. He escapes, and begins living a wonderful life elsewhere, but keeps returning home for various things. One day, his father leaves him a note... “I walked down the hall to the kitchen and found the note on the refrigerator. Davy, What do you want? Why don’t you just come home? I promise not to hit you anymore. I’m sorry about that. Sometimes my temper gets the better of me. I wish you wouldn’t keep coming into the house unless you’re coming home for good. It scares me. I might mistake you for a burglar and accidentally shoot you. Just come home, okay? Dad It was held to the refrigerator by a magnet I’d decorated in elementary school, a clay blob in green and blue.” — Jumper by Steven Gould http://a.co/fqyAKFt First impressions: Note: when I read this section to my wife she said, "That sounds exactly  like what your dad would write. The tone

Note: I borrowed a book from the library, Jumper . I was looking for something that would relate to what I was going through, but in a less intense way. Something about Jumper stuck out to me. And boy, was I right! It ended up bringing up a lot of thoughts and memories to help me on my journey. Point form notes: - I watched the movie teen years ago, and something about it stuck with me. I didn’t like the movie, but couldn’t forget it. So I thought it may connect with my story - The character has two parents: an alcoholic father and a mother that is absent for most of the movie. At the end, we find that she is part of a sect sworn to kill all jumpers (the main character can teleport at will). Her only kindness was first to leave. Later, to give her son a head start before she hunted him to the death.  This good/evil mother theme seemed to resonate Some things that stood out... 1. Disciplined with a belt I do not remember ever being spanked. But know for a fact that my dad used h

If there is anythign that has hindered me in life, it is competitiveness. I have this deep drive to be better than others. To check how many likes I get. To see how well I did compared to others. I quit music (recording, writing) because I realized that I would never be better than most recording artists. (Why couldn’t I just be good enough for myself/my family/my friends?) That’s just the one example that comes to mind. I remember the first time I played my dad’s guitar. I only knew a few very basic chords. For some reason, dad never taught me, even though he played. I knew basic chord theory from music class, so I taught myself chords. Not really chords, but a few notes together. It sounded like pure heaven. I played them over and over, switching to different notes. I laid back on my bed, with the guitar on my belly, and played and played. Sometime around then I found an old tape player. I soldered some wires together so it could record the guitar. I recorded myself, maybe si

(This e-mail was sent in response to a sermon I published, in which I dared to share a childhood memory in which I nearly died. This memory reflected somewhat poorly on my dad, who put me in a vulnerable position. Although I believe that I handled it well, and spoke as positively about him as I could, I knew that in posting this, I was breaking a very important family rule: never, ever speak ill of the clan) Memories: (an e-mail from my mother) Sometimes memories can be tricky. It's always good, when you can, to ask the other people who were present at the time what it was they saw and heard. I've had the opportunity to talk to my sister about many things that happened in our childhood. She remembers more because she was older. What I remember about you is your self-sufficiency. You never seemed to need anything. Even as a baby, you slept through the night the first night home (after spending one night in hospital where your brothers spent 10 days each). You didn't

Today was a big step. I dared to speak ill publicly of the family. In a sermon I preached a few months ago, I shared the anecdote about the time I nearly died when my dad unwisely tried to fjord a river with his young children. I did not go into detail about how he shamed and blamed me for the event, how his primary emotion seemed to be  embarrassment (for himself) rather than concern (for me) or terror (at the fact that I almost died). I didn't mention any of that. What I did say was something like this: "I want to honour my dad by saying that he spent a lot of time with us as children. We had a lot of experiences in nature, with motorbikes, with guns and dogs. We had a lot of fun! But...my dad did not always have a plan. And...honestly, we were not always safe..." Then I launched into the story about sliding down the waterfall, and how a random stranger saved me. I related how I had come to resent missions because while in Africa, I felt similar unprotected. Su

On December 21, I asked my parents for space . A week later, my mother sent me a very long, confusing, and emotionally-ladened e-mail basically demanding that we allow them access. The following is the first-draft of an e-mail which I did not send. Yes, I was wishing for distance, and yes, you are sharing too much. I set a boundary and you crossed it. This shows that you do not respect me. I am allowed my personal space. I am allowed to protect my children as I see fit. I do see you both as unsafe, but I do not owe you an explanation. The law does not require that I allow unsafe people into my life. If you take me to court, I will find people to testify against you: and you know what lies in your past. I do not avoid conflict: I have shown bravery in many conflicts, especially including this current one. Respect does not necessarily include contact, or advice. Forgiveness does not include trust, or restored relationships. The reason I am not communicating is because I

Psychologists who have studied the syndrome believe that the bond is initially created when a captor threatens a captive’s life, deliberates, and then chooses not to kill the captive. The captive’s relief at the removal of the death threat is transposed into feelings of gratitude toward the captor for giving him or her life. The survival instinct is at the heart of the Stockholm syndrome. Victims live in enforced dependence and interpret rare or small acts of kindness in the midst of horrible conditions as good treatment. They often become hypervigilant to the needs and demands of their captors, making psychological links between the captors’ happiness and their own. By the 21st century, psychologists had expanded their understanding of the Stockholm syndrome from hostages to other groups, including victims of domestic violence , cult members, prisoners of war, procured prostitutes, and abused children. The American Psychiatric Association does not include Stockholm syndro

1. “Grandma needs a hug right now…” They are taught that grandma’s needs come first. They are taught that they must fill those needs whether they feel like it or not. They are taught that it is wrong not to fill grandma’s needs. It is their duty (even a Christian duty) to make her feel better. Making her feel better is more important than how they feel. 
For example, a child could be tired and cranky. But if grandma is leaving, or if she is sad, she expects them to serve her by giving her a hug. 2. Extension Narcissists see children and grandchildren as extensions of themselves. This creates inequality because they cannot all be part of herself. And so there is a feeling of jealousy (see below). Also, there is pressure to live up to her expectations. There is a dominant meta narrative about what their life should be like, that has nothing to do with their wants/needs, and everything to do with her lost childhood, her wishes and fancies, and her aching needs. 3. Favouritism