April 16 thoughts

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April 16 thoughts

A few days ago, I made the mistake (oh horror) of asking when I would be working next week, and whether or not we had any major projects that week. He reacted by shutting me down, and seemed personally offended for the rest of the day. Later, I heard Royce complain that he had received the same treatment, even though Royce has been working at this plant longer than Joe, and arguably knows more about our major customer. 

As I continued to work with my narcissistic boss, I thought about the fact that he does not really want coworkers: he wants minions. He would like us to be:
  • Incapable of original thought
  • Bumbling: often making stupid mistakes
  • Able to be abused/yelled at without injury 
  • Unshakably loyal
  • Able to carry out wishes of master
  • Making master seem smart, in control by comparison (even though he really is not)
This is what a narcissist wants. It is what my dad always wanted. But it is not what Jesus wants.

"I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you." (John 15:15)

***

Saw Joe carefully sweeping the floor of a truck with a hand broom, and painstakingly wiping the mirrors. 

“I guess he’s driving.” I thought, accurately.

There is no way that he would take care like that for anyone else. Unlike Jesus, who stopped to wash feet -- even the feet of Judas -- a narcissist lives to be served, and serves only himself (John 13:1-17). 

***

Book concept: God is not like your narcissistic boss

Could be many short charters 

Follow insights: give example, scriptural truth. Boss is like this, God is like that. 

Less controversial/personal than a book about my parents 

***

Thoughts on blogging. 

For about two weeks, I have been very active on Facebook and my podcast. It was hard at first to start a podcast again. I kept thinking of my mom as the primary audience. It was hard to avoid saying things she wouldn’t like he saying. I kept feeling as though I was either rebelling against her or pleasing her with my words: as though hers was the only opinion that I could sense in my mind.

The more I broadcasted, the less I thought about her. I knew she would be overwhelmed with content, since I was publishing one per day for several days in a row, as well as finally publishing my children’s story podcast.

I greatly enjoyed podcasting

I was also very active on Facebook. This is because the pandemic is really picking up steam, end it seems there was far more misinformation that good information. Although it was very costly to me emotionally, I felt that it was necessary for me to add my voice.

Now, I am tired of both of these.

I have realized they were both necessary in their own way, but I do not need to feel pressured to keep them going.

I think it was probably necessary to overdo it on both fronts for a short time, just to get used to being vocal again.

However, on Facebook, I have "snoozed" or unfollowed everyone I consider to be sharing misinformation. I have said my piece. Now, let others deal with that. I do not want my mind triggered in that direction anymore.

It is harder to know when I want to do with the podcast. However, I will not feel pressure to record once a day. That being said, when I do feel inspired to do five in one day, why not roll them out one per day for a while? It seems that my podcast could be something of a pressure relief valve for me. When I really have something to say a lot about, it helps me get my thoughts in order. Maybe it will never be big for that reason. But it is helpful to me, and that is the most important thing.

***

I recently told my wife that I really feel like I am making a lot of progress on this blog. "The next thing I want to deal with," I said, "Are some memories from Africa."

She tried her best to caution me that it might not be the time to jump from one thing to another.

It may be too late. I have started my mind down the track of thinking about a few traumatic events from Africa, and I may start journalling about them soon. It is hard to stop one's mind once it begins on a track...

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