Dare..

-
Dare to be small.
The world has need of mortal heroes. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The trigger...

-
Image
A few days ago, for my son‘s 12th birthday, we drove around and visited some friends, including my brother and his family. During the course of the visit, we talked briefly about the laws regulating behaviour during the pandemic. It seems as though if people were reasonable, we would need laws. “But,“ I said, “we need a laws for…“ I was looking for a good word, but couldn’t think of one, so I finished my sentence, “If everyone was reasonable, we would not be the laws. But we need them for stupid people.“ This sentence got a lot of laughter, and my brother said, “you can tell that we have the same dad!“ As we talked, I noticed that telltale signs of my father in our heritage were everywhere. The way he had fixed his room, the big hunk of wood on his deck, the creative but unsightly way that he does repairs. The signs were everywhere: but my brother is a decent human being. And in that moment of conversation, it seemed as though it was implied that my father was also a dece...
Read more

Competitiveness - Jan 12

-
If there is anythign that has hindered me in life, it is competitiveness. I have this deep drive to be better than others. To check how many likes I get. To see how well I did compared to others. I quit music (recording, writing) because I realized that I would never be better than most recording artists. (Why couldn’t I just be good enough for myself/my family/my friends?) That’s just the one example that comes to mind. I remember the first time I played my dad’s guitar. I only knew a few very basic chords. For some reason, dad never taught me, even though he played. I knew basic chord theory from music class, so I taught myself chords. Not really chords, but a few notes together. It sounded like pure heaven. I played them over and over, switching to different notes. I laid back on my bed, with the guitar on my belly, and played and played. Sometime around then I found an old tape player. I soldered some wires together so it could record the guitar. I recorded myself, maybe si...
Read more

Hemmed in

-
Image
Today is now the second day since I fully decided to go no contact. I am working out drafts of my separation (“divorce” or “emancipation”) letter. I am very convinced that I will do this, and do it soon.  ** My energy and clarity has fully returned. ** The magnitude of the above statement is hard to convey in words.  I have been so sleepy and lethargic it was alarming. For the past few weeks, and especially last week, I had almost constant headaches, and slept from 2-6 hours a day on days off, in addition to a full 7-8 hours of sleep at night. My wife tells me I was not myself: I had low energy for the kids, and difficulty focusing on my wife’s needs. All I could focus on was going round in circles with my parents.  Now, I feel incredibly clear, and my energy has returned.  I feel hemmed in, and this makes the decision easy, in a way.  I cannot go back to them. That is very clear. I cannot crawl inside my mothers womb again, to beco...
Read more

in sterquiliniis invenitur

-
Image
Before science was alchemy: a combination of religious, philosophical, and pseudo-scientific ideas. Although “archaic” by our standards, these thinkers were the brilliant minds of their time, and their work made way for true science. According to Jordan Peterson, one of their key dictums was in sterquiliniis invenitur. Peterson liked to interpret that phrase as, “what you most need will be located in the place that you least want to look.” But for my purposes, I like the literal: “in filth it shall be found.” Yes, in filth it shall be found. I am on a journey, and I cannot totally control my trajectory. I just know what the next step is, and which rock to look under next. Some places scare me: some intrigue me. Some disgust me. My recent post on “Girlie” disturbed me greatly. It got me thinking in a very uncomfortable direction. Very, very uncomfortable. Will I publish these words? I do not know. But I need to take this journey. Pubishing is a separate issue. I need to ...
Read more

A new counsellor

-
Image
Today I met with a new counsellor. Her services are free, due to our local crisis and addictions services. She sounds to be in her fifties or sixties. I was skeptical at first. She introduced herself as being feminist in training, as not placing much stock in the DSM-5 definitions, such as narcissism and psychopathy, and that she saw most things through the filter of abuses of power.  I let her know that in another context, we could probably have a long discussion about these issues. I was troubled that she did not believe that narcissism was a useful category: but understood what she meant, in saying that a person was more than a label. I determined to give her a solid try, and was glad that we were able to get most of our cards on the table within the first ten minutes of our call. I identified my core issues as: - Raised by narcissists: very religious, very needy, very self-centred - Dad: violent temper, survived by reading his mind. Psychopath, didn’t care ab...
Read more

Thoughts, April 1

-
Thoughts, April 1 Post-scrip I feel very strongly that anything I write after March 28 is a post-script to my journey. This was it. This is what my “gut” was trying to get me to recognize. These are evil, dangerous people. That’s it. Don’t let them near the children. Don’t let them near the child in you (because he deserves to be protected too!) And don’t let them have any power over you. Cut off all of the ties.  I feel like in large part...this has been done. The journey is not over. I now feel a desire to go back, to organize, to fill in gaps, especially at the beginning. Perhaps, prepare this blog to be a book.  After D-day, there was much to be done. Some say the worst losses, and the heaviest fighting were at the end. But the battle was already  won.  I feel like emotionally, the battle is won. I do not have the heat from the breath if the beast within, panting in my ear and growling at eg to run faster! Learn more! Dig deeper!! The fur...
Read more