Competitiveness - Jan 12
If there is anythign that has hindered me in life, it is competitiveness. I have this deep drive to be better than others. To check how many likes I get. To see how well I did compared to others.
I quit music (recording, writing) because I realized that I would never be better than most recording artists. (Why couldn’t I just be good enough for myself/my family/my friends?)
That’s just the one example that comes to mind.
I remember the first time I played my dad’s guitar. I only knew a few very basic chords. For some reason, dad never taught me, even though he played. I knew basic chord theory from music class, so I taught myself chords. Not really chords, but a few notes together. It sounded like pure heaven. I played them over and over, switching to different notes. I laid back on my bed, with the guitar on my belly, and played and played.
Sometime around then I found an old tape player. I soldered some wires together so it could record the guitar. I recorded myself, maybe singing too. I was so excited to have made an actual, real-life recording. I ran up to show my parents. My dad listened expressionlessly. “I made a mistake right there...” I said in a giddy voice. *But isn’t it cool that I recorded myself?!* He said something dismissive and I left. Not quite deflated, but definitely not encouraged.
The only times when I really received praise was when I outshone others. And so this is what I tried to do.
In grade school, I attended a private Christian school. I memorized the entire book if John and won an award at a convention. Now THAT got his attention! I gave him the award, and told him thank you for making me read the Bible. He recently told me he still has it. Which is nice, I guess.
In reading more, it seems to me that narcissistic personality disorder is basically a very dangerously low sense of self worth. It is so low that it is psychically troubling for the individual. And so to distract themselves from this terrible reality (that really they are terrible people, unloved, unlovable) they try to over perform. As parents, a narcissist (or someone with narcissistic tendencies) will try to compete through their children. When the child does well, the parent sees the child as an extension of themselves, and showers them with love and affection. They outshine their siblings and are given special honours. But if they fail them by only being moderately successful (in relation to other kids), the parent loses interest, or even rejects them.
Understanding this sheds a lot of light on how I was raised, and my ongoing drive of competition. Really, this was a competition that my dad had ongoing for all of his life: and I just got caught up in it
When you think of it, there are a lot of tasks — most of life, really — which cannot really be done “amazingly well.” One simply does them, and that is that.
There is not an “amazing” way to change a diaper, change a car tire, or pay the bills. It is just life, and one just does these things.
But my family was in an incessant competition with the world. My dad devised little devices (like a wire bottle-holder and special bottle to feed us creamed corn as infants). “Wow! Look at him! So creative!” He prided himself on never needing to read the instructions on anything. “Men don’t read instructions.” So. Amazing. Not always effective, but AMAZING! He read his bible EVERY day, and kept careful track of how many times. By now, it’s quite a high number. He mentions it often. Amazing! He would find creative ways to do ordinary things around the house. Some of them really were neat: some just silly. But that’s how we were. Amazing! A family if geniuses!
His pride took a serious hit when life caught up to his choices. Married, with several young children, with missions not working as a career path (now THAT would have been amazing), he found himself locked into a career as a lowly mechanic. “If I’m a mechanic,” he vowed, and told us the story often, “I will be the best mechanic in the world!” He went out and spent a small fortune buying snap-on tools, plunging his young family into debt to make a big statement. Amazing.
When you think of it, this relentless need to be better than others s just basic immaturity. I can spot it now, and stay miles away from people like this. They can range from silly to annoying to downright hurtful. In life, you don’t compete with anyone but your past self. Be a better person than you were yesterday, and give the world your best. Then, people will like you and give you their best. That’s what it’s about.
But immature people aren’t like this.
They shake your hand too hard. They make religion into a competition. They pump you for stats in your children, then compare with their own. They notice or ask about your financial status and compare — either smugly or making snide remarks, depending whether they have less or more than you.
You know these kinds of people. I know them. They drive us all a little nuts.
I was raised by people like this: and they raised me in an unhealthy way because of it.
Because of their problem with narcissistic personality disorder, I was not given live and affection for simply being a good, healthy, developing child. I needed to be AMAZING to get love. This put all kinds of pressure on me, that I am still feeling.
Hopefully, this journey will continue to shake this off. I have nothing against anybody, and no need to be better. I just want to be the best version of what I was meant to be: because I believe that I am a GOOD person, and that if I just be myself, the world (and God) will live who I am becoming.
These words are true.
That is all.
I quit music (recording, writing) because I realized that I would never be better than most recording artists. (Why couldn’t I just be good enough for myself/my family/my friends?)
That’s just the one example that comes to mind.
I remember the first time I played my dad’s guitar. I only knew a few very basic chords. For some reason, dad never taught me, even though he played. I knew basic chord theory from music class, so I taught myself chords. Not really chords, but a few notes together. It sounded like pure heaven. I played them over and over, switching to different notes. I laid back on my bed, with the guitar on my belly, and played and played.
Sometime around then I found an old tape player. I soldered some wires together so it could record the guitar. I recorded myself, maybe singing too. I was so excited to have made an actual, real-life recording. I ran up to show my parents. My dad listened expressionlessly. “I made a mistake right there...” I said in a giddy voice. *But isn’t it cool that I recorded myself?!* He said something dismissive and I left. Not quite deflated, but definitely not encouraged.
The only times when I really received praise was when I outshone others. And so this is what I tried to do.
In grade school, I attended a private Christian school. I memorized the entire book if John and won an award at a convention. Now THAT got his attention! I gave him the award, and told him thank you for making me read the Bible. He recently told me he still has it. Which is nice, I guess.
In reading more, it seems to me that narcissistic personality disorder is basically a very dangerously low sense of self worth. It is so low that it is psychically troubling for the individual. And so to distract themselves from this terrible reality (that really they are terrible people, unloved, unlovable) they try to over perform. As parents, a narcissist (or someone with narcissistic tendencies) will try to compete through their children. When the child does well, the parent sees the child as an extension of themselves, and showers them with love and affection. They outshine their siblings and are given special honours. But if they fail them by only being moderately successful (in relation to other kids), the parent loses interest, or even rejects them.
Understanding this sheds a lot of light on how I was raised, and my ongoing drive of competition. Really, this was a competition that my dad had ongoing for all of his life: and I just got caught up in it
When you think of it, there are a lot of tasks — most of life, really — which cannot really be done “amazingly well.” One simply does them, and that is that.
There is not an “amazing” way to change a diaper, change a car tire, or pay the bills. It is just life, and one just does these things.
But my family was in an incessant competition with the world. My dad devised little devices (like a wire bottle-holder and special bottle to feed us creamed corn as infants). “Wow! Look at him! So creative!” He prided himself on never needing to read the instructions on anything. “Men don’t read instructions.” So. Amazing. Not always effective, but AMAZING! He read his bible EVERY day, and kept careful track of how many times. By now, it’s quite a high number. He mentions it often. Amazing! He would find creative ways to do ordinary things around the house. Some of them really were neat: some just silly. But that’s how we were. Amazing! A family if geniuses!
His pride took a serious hit when life caught up to his choices. Married, with several young children, with missions not working as a career path (now THAT would have been amazing), he found himself locked into a career as a lowly mechanic. “If I’m a mechanic,” he vowed, and told us the story often, “I will be the best mechanic in the world!” He went out and spent a small fortune buying snap-on tools, plunging his young family into debt to make a big statement. Amazing.
When you think of it, this relentless need to be better than others s just basic immaturity. I can spot it now, and stay miles away from people like this. They can range from silly to annoying to downright hurtful. In life, you don’t compete with anyone but your past self. Be a better person than you were yesterday, and give the world your best. Then, people will like you and give you their best. That’s what it’s about.
But immature people aren’t like this.
They shake your hand too hard. They make religion into a competition. They pump you for stats in your children, then compare with their own. They notice or ask about your financial status and compare — either smugly or making snide remarks, depending whether they have less or more than you.
You know these kinds of people. I know them. They drive us all a little nuts.
I was raised by people like this: and they raised me in an unhealthy way because of it.
Because of their problem with narcissistic personality disorder, I was not given live and affection for simply being a good, healthy, developing child. I needed to be AMAZING to get love. This put all kinds of pressure on me, that I am still feeling.
Hopefully, this journey will continue to shake this off. I have nothing against anybody, and no need to be better. I just want to be the best version of what I was meant to be: because I believe that I am a GOOD person, and that if I just be myself, the world (and God) will live who I am becoming.
These words are true.
That is all.
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