Mom is sick...

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I have been asking my wife to filter my e-mails, but we can't seem to get our system perfect. Today, I saw an e-mail from my dad. The title said something about mom being sick, and that we aught to do something to help. 

That she is "sick" is no surprise to me whatsoever. Back in November, one of the first conversations I had with a counsellor was, "If I pull away from my parents, I think my mom will get very sick." 

"Will she really get sick, though?" The counsellor probed.

I realized that she was right. She would not really get sick. But she would pretend. It would be a powerful strategy to reel me back in.

That night, I had a dream about killing a witch, who was feigning illness to control me.

I feel like I am not worried about my mom: she is just fine, but has been telling everyone she has been sick literally my entire life. It is a control tactic. 

But the e-mail still affected me. I felt like dad was "calling me to heel." I have mentioned elsewhere that I was raised in a way like a dog. There was love, there was anger. There was obedience. On walks, dad would let the dog run for a bit. Then he would whistle, and the dog would come "to heel" and walk obediently by his side. Or. Else. 

Or else all hell would break loose. Or else dad would begin yelling and cursing after the dog, chase it down beat it. He even shot it with a pellet gun once when it wouldn't come. 

All was well if it came and slipped into "heel." A bit of freedom is allowed: but when dad whistles, we are all supposed to come running.

This e-mail was the first time in my no-contact that I had seen dad addressing myself. Sure, he was addressing all of the kids, but myself as well. 

The message was clear: come to heel. This has been a fun little outing, but now mom is sick. So call her. Encourage her. Do your job of propping up her emotional needs. It is time for you to become the obedient son again.

If you do, all will be forgiven. 

If not... things will not go well.

I had a bit of a dizzy spell as I saw those few words. My wife quickly hid them. 

"There isn't really any message in the e-mail anyways," she said, "it's just stuff about your mom being sick, but she seems fine..." 

But there always is a message hidden between the lines. And my gut can read them, even if my wife cannot...

I think I will get her to hide them for the rest of the month. I will check in May 1st to see what I have missed. 

It is too taxing to read these when they come in...

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