...that's how gaslighting works...

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Today when I came home from work -- it was a very bad day, with far too much of my narcissistic boss in it -- I was transitioning to "normal life," and chatting with my wife.

She brought something up. I forget what it was, but let's say it was sugar spilled on the floor. As it happened, it was myself who had spilled it. But the memory was complicated, and happened a few days ago. There had been kids involved, and a flurry of activity. It was not completely clear who had done what, but sugar had been spilled, and somebody had to clean it up.

...in that instant, when she light-heartedly mentioned something in the past, my gut reaction was to say something like, "Well, I guess you can just be more careful next time you pour the sugar."

It was a strange moment. Of course, I did not say it. I knew very clearly that it was myself who had spilled the sugar. Or maybe it was one of the kids. It wasn't clear. But it certainly wasn't my wife's fault.

...but on some level, I knew that this memory was sufficiently distant, sufficiently confusing, and sufficiently ambiguous that I could blame it on her, and she would question it.

She would:
1) Question whether she really was at fault (making her feel guilty, and giving me a +1 point), and
2) Question her sanity (making her feel weak, and making me feel strong by comparison)

...I relate these thoughts (which came in a flash) not because I am proud of them. I did not act on them.

However, I saw in a moment, this is how gaslighting works. This is how an abuser starts to pick apart the dignity and the sanity of a victim. One brick at a time. Breaks them down.

Why did such a thought flit into my mind?

Because there is darkness in myself, and on some days, I just wish to lord it over my wife? Unfortunately, yes. There is some darkness in me. And what is a journal like this, if not a repository of honest reflections.

But I did not act on it. This is not how I behave towards my dear wife. As I consider this, I don't think that I have ever gaslighted her. At least, not in my memory.

"Make no friendship with an angry man," writes Solomon, "and with a furious man you shall not go: lest you learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul." Proverbs 22:24-25

Perhaps I am studying all of this too much. I cannot help working with Joe, but maybe I need to spend less of my free time analyzing and thinking about these dynamics. They may be creeping more into my mind than I am giving them credit for...

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