Flying Monkey #1

June 2

This past week we had a run-in with a “flying monkey.” Flying monkeys are characters from the “Wizard of Oz.” They do the bidding of the wicked witch of the west, by terrorizing Dorothy, and trying to fly them away to the witch.

In counselling circles, “flying monkeys” are friends and family members that terrorize, torment, bother, and try to bring the victim back into the orbit of the abuser.

Yesterday, my dear courageous wife made a post for “World Narcissistic Awareness Day” on Facebook. She wrote:

Today is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day. I’ve been learning a lot about narcissism fora could years now, but even more lately. It’s known so little, yet is so damaging in its abuse. It’s time for everyone (especially churches) to be aware of this type of abuse! The effects of it are devastating on families.

Several of the posts were generally positive.

Then, an elderly lady from our church (who edits all of my birth mother’s self-published books, and is very tied in to my parents) commented, 

Flying Monkey: “So how are we to deal with/respond to such a person?”

My wife, knowing the question was a trap, replied: “It will depend on the situation, since nothing is ever black/white. Some narcissists cannot be reasoned with because any response (positive or negative) will be fuel for them. Stopping any contact is sometimes the only way to respond.”

Flying Monkey: “But not possible with close family member (not speaking for myself)

…at this point, my wife came out of her bedroom and showed me the text. She was laughing incredulously. Could the flying monkey have made it any more clear that she was turning this into a conversation about our decision to go no contact with my parents? Since we had not talked bout this to anyone, it was clear that the only way she would know is if she were gossiping about us to my parents. My wife simply wrote:

My wife: “we are allowed to chose whom we allow into our lives.”

I thought her response was very clear and good. All of her responses were liked or loved several times by readers, while the flying monkey received no comments.

The next day, as I thought about this, I felt inspired to write: “There are no shortcuts in life. Forgiveness is given, trust is earned. Being forced into an unwanted relationship with an untrustworthy person is subjugation, not love. Victims need to know that they are allowed to live free from an abusive person. Adults get to choose whom they allow into their lives, and how they chose to protect themselves. There are not exceptions, and those who say otherwise are a part of the problem.”

I meant it originally just as a vent, but my wife thought it was so good I should post it, so I did.

It felt so incredibly freeing to just speak my damn mind, and stop tip-toeing around things. Yes, people may read that and figure out what is going on. So what? Why not? Why shouldn’t they infer that I am cutting off ties to a family member? And if they know my family, they may put two and two together and realize I mean my parents. So what? Let them. It is the truth, after all!

We have been so trained and conditioned, us children, to keep the secrets of the family. It feels so freeing to just speak what is true.

As I was discussing this with Chantelle later, she commented that it was almost certain that the “flying monkey” would relate this back to my parents. I said that I knew she would, with 100% certainty. I thought of that as I write it.

Chantelle commented that this “strategy” was actually quite brilliant. We had been thinking there were only two ways: either write a letter, or not write a letter. Both ways seemed problematic. But here is a third option: give a message to a gossiping, meddling, contancarous flying monkey of an acquaintance…and let her carry it back to my parents. Let her carry it back. Let her tell my parents that we think that they are narcissists, that they are abusive, that we feel that we have tried everything and are now going no contact, that “being forced into an unwanted relationship with an untrustworthy person is subjugation, not love.” Let her tell them all of that.

…and we have given them no ammunition for the courts. The courts cannot look at this and say, “You have said that your parents can have no contact for life. That is unreasonable.” We never said that. They also cannot call us out on what we said. We did not mention them. And actually, they’re blocked on facebook. So how would they even know? Were they to call us out on it, they would have to admit that they are getting information through a third party.

So they can get this, and just stew on it. Let them.

They can know that they are not welcome here, even though I never exposed myself by writing a letter.

It is brilliant, really.

…and I feel like my gut is saying, “See? I told you. Just listen to me and do what feels right...and things will work out.”

Indeed. With God and my gut as my guide, I feel that things will be OK.