Some Key Memories of my Father
The River
Event:
- Dad attempted to walk across a river with three boys, at a small slate rapids/falls often enjoyed by tubers. I could not hold his hand, since he was already holding two boys. When I told him I was slipping, he yelled (or growled?) angrily at me to not fall. I did fall and was swept downstream. Realizing there was a deep pool at the bottom of the I yelled, and an unknown bystander ran into the river and saved me.Family interpretation
- (Implied) “wow, what an adventure!”- “Wow, you sure yelled!” (Embarrassment? Naming me as a “loud-mouth”?)
Childhood interpretation
- Great story to tell friends!- Shame: I chose to fall (still unsure if this is true or not, on some level)
- Gratitude to stranger
- Confusion, as I later saw him littering
- Confusion, also, that dad wouldn’t let me go and thank him
Adult interpretation
- My dad was very foolish, and almost killed me as a child- If I did fall because I was mad about not being able to hold his hand, that would have been a typical 6-year-is thing to do. That sort of action should not lead to death
- Was he concerned for me? Or embarrassed for himself? My mind jumps to another memory...
Passing out..
Event
- I was helping dad in his workshop after hours. We were soldering something together, with me holding it together.- A lot of smoke was going into my face, due to my position. I began to feel faint.
- I told my dad I needed to sit down. My dad, clearly focused on the task, yelled (or growled) angrily at me to stop falling and just hold it
- I passed out
- I clearly remember being pulled very rapidly from the floor. His eyes were not on me, but looking across the garage at the other mechanic. He looked sheepish, more than concerned
- He’s first priority seemed to be that nobody saw me fall
Childhood memory
- This was the first time I fainted. When I fainted again later (don’t remember the interval) I was very afraid- I was diagnosed as anemic, and given an iron-rich diet. I did not pass out again.
- It became something I told close friends: “I have passed out twice! Have you passed out?”
Adult reflection:
- My dad made me breathe lead smoke until I passed out! (Note: although I love to solder, I am aware of the dangers of lead, especially on children. I bought tin solder to use with our children. Also... realize that dad set me up with a soldering kit in my room. I VERY often breathed in lead fumes. We also used lead pellets for our pellet gun, and often held them in our mouths. I am pretty sure we saw dad doing that. It would not surprise me, as he generally had a “bah humbug” sort of reaction to any health-related warning, and seemed to delight in doing unhealthy and unsafe things. So why not also for his children?)- My mind very carefully cataloged three things which it found odd: the speed with which I was pulled up (which was very fast) the direction of his eyes (which was not on myself, but locked on someone across the room) and the expression on his face, (which was not concern, but embarrassment)
Conclusion:
- What this memory taught me is that my dad’s embarrassment was more important than my safety.Further Reflection:
- In missions, perhaps the most painful aspect has been feeling the need to hide my pain and “drama,” in order to “tell a story.” How much of this was a need to keep supporters supporting…how much was behaviour learned from my dad? “So what if you fell and hit your head — just stand up quick and smile so nobody thinks I pushed you too hard and made you pass out!” What hurt most about this was the perceived lack of love, and an expectation to perform. Was this really the supporters, or was this from my dad?- After all, once we did share, supporters responded with overwhelming support, care and love
- Of course, there still is a need to “tell a story” in missions
- Perhaps this is hard for everyone, but especially hard for me, due to this pattern from my childhood
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