Do I Give the Kids the Candy? (Oct. 20)


On Halloween, my parents gave our kids a box filled with very expensive cards, and bags of sugar-free candies. We had had issues with giving in the past: the give too much, they give "junk," they give gifts unequally. They give clothes that don't fit our kids. They ask for suggestions, then ignore our suggestions. They give very environmentally damaging gifts, when we are more eco-conscious. These are some of the issues we have dealt with.

Also, when gifts are given, there is an expectation that we will take pictures of the kids opening them, and thank them. Gifts are a big deal, and a source of tension. 

So when I got a box of gifts, for halloween (who gives gifts for halloween?) while there was tension between us, I spent time journalling. What was I to make of this gift? Should I give it to the children or not?

**

Am I giving the kids the cards? The Candy?

No to the cards.

Why?

Because they are trying to be goofy and inviting, trying to lure the kids into a relationship that we don't want them to have. 

Why don't we want them to have it?

A million reasons. The curse ends with us.

What will you do with the cards?

Burn or trash them, I guess.

Why, again?

Because I don't want the kids reading them.

How does this make you feel, self?

Not good. I feel like a pretty rotten person doing this.

Are you really a bad person?

No. This is the right thing to do.

Then do it now and don't look back or waste time on it.

I'm still hesitating. 

I noticed. Why?

This is silly, but they are expensive looking cards. At least $5 each. Seems a shame to waste them.

Do you think this was an accident?

No. Very intentional. 

So it's working, then. How does that make you feel?

Angry. And controlled.

Angry enough to throw them out?

Just about.

What else is holding you back?

What will I say to them?

When?

When they ask me if the kids got them.

Is this normal behaviour, to give gifts then ask if they have been received?

It is a bit weird, isn't it?

Why do you think they ask?

To make sure that I give them, I guess.

Well, is that working?

Kind of.

How does that make you feel?

Angry, controlled, used, and angry.

Angry enough to throw them out?

I think so.

Why don't normal people ask whether you gave the gifts to your kids?

Normal people wouldn't give gifts they know I don't want.

Is it really a gift if you don't want it?

It's kind of something else, isn't it?

What is it?

It has strings attached. It is manipulation.

Do others give you "gifts" to manipulate you?

Yes. Junk mail. Spam. Sometimes I have gotten self-addressed, stamped envelopes or seeds in an envelope, to make me think, "If they have spent this money on me, I am obligated now!" 

How did that make you feel?

Used, manipulated, cheap, insulted.

What did you do?

I threw them out. I even cancelled subscriptions sometimes over that sort of thing.

So what are you going to do with these?

I'm going to throw them out.

What about the candy?

I guess I can eat it.

What will you say if they ask what you did with it?

I guess I will say that we ate them, thanks.

Is thanking them encouraging them to do it again?

Yes. Maybe I'll drop that. Just say that we ate them.

If they ask if the kids got the cards?

I'll tell them that they did not get them. 

If they ask why?

I'll refuse to answer. "Why" is in my heart, which is my business.

Are you happy with that?

Not really. I don't need them. I'd almost rather get rid of the candy and the cards altogether...

Note: I will talk to my wife about this...

[Follow up: I talked to my wife, who matter-of-factly said, "It sounds like you want to throw them out." We tried the candies, and they were truly horrific. So she said, "Well, that settles that!" And she threw them in the garbage. I felt like it all happened too fast. I was a bit bothered by that. Later, in counselling, I mentioned this to my wife. It's funny, as I look back at it now, that all of this journalling, plus talking to my wife, was "too fast" for a few candies. There sure was a lot going on, with that simple little "gift"]

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