Cutting off ties to my mother: a session with my wife
I had been having dizzy spell for months now. Very faint, but enough to bother me. Because I tend to be a hypochondriac, my mind immediately was going to worst case scenarios (cancer, mostly). My rational brain knew this wasn’t reasonable, and so it kept trying to stuff the symptoms, and just forget about it. But stuffing it was just making it worse.
Finally, last week, I told my wife about it. It seems that they had been getting a bit worse. She suggested that it may be wax buildup, and sent me to the clinic to have it checked out.
The nurse said there was no wax, and referred me to the doctor. When she came, the doctor — a young last of East Indian descent, compassionate, intelligent, and fully engaged in her patient — began asking a lot of very piercing questions about my mental health. My wife and I had already talked about the possibility that this could be psychosomatic (aka a physical condition caused or exacerbated by mental/emotional factors), and so I was not offended by her questions.
She asked about my recent career changes, family situation, etc. I opened up as much as I could in the time that we had. By the time we were done, I was fully convinced that the dizziness was from my conflict with my parents. It was no coincidence it has started right when I began standing up to them.
That evening in the shower, I began doing an EMDR technique I had learned, of crossing my arms, closing my eyes, and patting first my left then my right shoulders in a rhythmic fashion. This can stimulate a mild EMDR state, and I use it to communicate to my subconscious.
I started to say, “It is ok. You can relax. It is ok...” But in a flash, words came strongly up from my subconscious, “How can you tell us we are ok, if we don’t have a mother anymore?” That was surprising. I was not expecting that. But I knew it was true. I felt the dizziness, and just a bit of nausea then.
Later that evening, my wife talked later, and had a nice evening. We were feeling connected emotionally. Although it was late, I asked if she would try something with me.
I sat on the bed, with my arms crossed, and tapping my shoulders. I asked if she would just rub my back and generally comfort me. I had seen this exact picture while doing EMDR. Our very last session, near the end, the counsellor has said something about comfort: that I needed to learn to comfort myself. When I tried to think of how to do that, I visualized my wife kneeling behind me on the bed, rubbing my spine and whispering gently to me. I felt very foolish asking, but she was kind enough to try.
I did not really have an agenda. I just tapped, and let my subconscious go where it needed to, as my wife rubbed my back and cuddled me. Slowly I began to cry.
“She really hurt me a lot,“ I said, referring to my mother. It is unfortunate that I did not journal this the night before. A week later, the memories are a bit jumbled.
I remember that soon after, I began to weep hard. “She hurt me so bad!“ I said that over and over. Then, I forgave her. “Father, that woman hurt me so bad! She tried to take things from me that were not hers to take! It made me feel alone, scared, so defiled. She hurt me so bad...” I was really crying now. And my wife cradled next in her arms. “I will pay” *sob* “the emotional pain and consequences of her actions...” so many tears.
I was trying to continue the talking, but it was difficult to focus. As my wife cuddled me, she changed position and wrapped her arm tightly around my waste. My subconscious freaked. I felt panicky. In my imagination, her arm was the black tentacles of the death eater from a recent dream. I gently asked her to move her arm, and tried to tell my subconscious, “This woman is safe. She will not hurt you like the other one!”
“That woman is… So, so evil…“ I said. I really realized how true it was, for the first time. Now that I had really forgiven her, I could see her so much clearer.
“She is a witch!“ I said it, and he really believed it. My inner child heard it, and the reverberations went deep.
As I communicated with my inner child, I told it to disconnect everything from my mother, and connect it to my wife. It was confused, and unsure. It did not know if he could trust my wife. I tried to tell him that we could. I felt like I could visualize little tentacles with suction cups removing from her, and moving towards my wife. But it was hesitant. Not wanting to be hurt again.
I began to talk more with my wife. We were talking in a back-and-forth, rational talking about my mother. Suddenly, I cut her off and said, “F--- her! I just don’t even want to talk to her. I don’t want to read her emails. If she sends me anything, put them in a folder. I don’t want to see them for at least a month. She needs to just be dead to me for a while!“
After all that she had put me through, I just couldn’t think about looking at her or reading anything from her for a while. Just so evil!
Gradually, our session turned away from my mother and more to connecting as a couple. It’s hard to convey what all we talked about. The cuddling and touching drew us very close. I feel like I “left“ my mother and “cleaved“ to my wife in a fresh way. In a surprisingly deep way. So deep, that as it was happening, I kept asking myself, “is this safe? Is this healthy?“ Is it normal for another human being to place such an integral role in the inner workings of one’s mind? A mother and father yes – we can’t help that. That’s how we come into the world. But you choose to make another living being that important to you? In my inner child asked me, “What if she dies?“ Cancer has been mentioned. It’s on our mind. What if she dies? How can you ever trust a human this much, when they could die? If she dies, that will really really hurt. There’s no other way to say it. But for now, we have a comforter. And this woman will not hurt us like the other one did.
Sometime later, maybe the next day, my wife said a perfectly normal, healthy thing that was a bit cutting. My inner child became uneasy with that. I told my inner child, “when this woman hurts us, it is because she wants to make us better. Always. When the other would hurt us, it was because she wanted to keep a small and weak. But this one wants our best. So you can trust this woman. She is good to us, even if sometimes it is uncomfortable.” That is very true.

** Update **
Since my session with my wife, I have not had a dizzy spell. I did, however, feel sick to the stomach writing this. It was a very difficult post to write, even if it is short enough to read.
That night, I had terrifying and highly significant dreams, which have fascinated me for almost a week now. Look for the first of these tomorrow.
** Update (March 2) **
I still have slight dizzy spells, often when feeling intense emotions. I have learned to recognize them for what they are, and not focus too much on them. I am not sure if they will abate when I become generally less stressed, or if they are part of my reality now.
Finally, last week, I told my wife about it. It seems that they had been getting a bit worse. She suggested that it may be wax buildup, and sent me to the clinic to have it checked out.
The nurse said there was no wax, and referred me to the doctor. When she came, the doctor — a young last of East Indian descent, compassionate, intelligent, and fully engaged in her patient — began asking a lot of very piercing questions about my mental health. My wife and I had already talked about the possibility that this could be psychosomatic (aka a physical condition caused or exacerbated by mental/emotional factors), and so I was not offended by her questions.
She asked about my recent career changes, family situation, etc. I opened up as much as I could in the time that we had. By the time we were done, I was fully convinced that the dizziness was from my conflict with my parents. It was no coincidence it has started right when I began standing up to them.
That evening in the shower, I began doing an EMDR technique I had learned, of crossing my arms, closing my eyes, and patting first my left then my right shoulders in a rhythmic fashion. This can stimulate a mild EMDR state, and I use it to communicate to my subconscious.
I started to say, “It is ok. You can relax. It is ok...” But in a flash, words came strongly up from my subconscious, “How can you tell us we are ok, if we don’t have a mother anymore?” That was surprising. I was not expecting that. But I knew it was true. I felt the dizziness, and just a bit of nausea then.
Later that evening, my wife talked later, and had a nice evening. We were feeling connected emotionally. Although it was late, I asked if she would try something with me.
I sat on the bed, with my arms crossed, and tapping my shoulders. I asked if she would just rub my back and generally comfort me. I had seen this exact picture while doing EMDR. Our very last session, near the end, the counsellor has said something about comfort: that I needed to learn to comfort myself. When I tried to think of how to do that, I visualized my wife kneeling behind me on the bed, rubbing my spine and whispering gently to me. I felt very foolish asking, but she was kind enough to try.
I did not really have an agenda. I just tapped, and let my subconscious go where it needed to, as my wife rubbed my back and cuddled me. Slowly I began to cry.
“She really hurt me a lot,“ I said, referring to my mother. It is unfortunate that I did not journal this the night before. A week later, the memories are a bit jumbled.
I remember that soon after, I began to weep hard. “She hurt me so bad!“ I said that over and over. Then, I forgave her. “Father, that woman hurt me so bad! She tried to take things from me that were not hers to take! It made me feel alone, scared, so defiled. She hurt me so bad...” I was really crying now. And my wife cradled next in her arms. “I will pay” *sob* “the emotional pain and consequences of her actions...” so many tears.
I was trying to continue the talking, but it was difficult to focus. As my wife cuddled me, she changed position and wrapped her arm tightly around my waste. My subconscious freaked. I felt panicky. In my imagination, her arm was the black tentacles of the death eater from a recent dream. I gently asked her to move her arm, and tried to tell my subconscious, “This woman is safe. She will not hurt you like the other one!”
“That woman is… So, so evil…“ I said. I really realized how true it was, for the first time. Now that I had really forgiven her, I could see her so much clearer.
“She is a witch!“ I said it, and he really believed it. My inner child heard it, and the reverberations went deep.
As I communicated with my inner child, I told it to disconnect everything from my mother, and connect it to my wife. It was confused, and unsure. It did not know if he could trust my wife. I tried to tell him that we could. I felt like I could visualize little tentacles with suction cups removing from her, and moving towards my wife. But it was hesitant. Not wanting to be hurt again.
I began to talk more with my wife. We were talking in a back-and-forth, rational talking about my mother. Suddenly, I cut her off and said, “F--- her! I just don’t even want to talk to her. I don’t want to read her emails. If she sends me anything, put them in a folder. I don’t want to see them for at least a month. She needs to just be dead to me for a while!“
After all that she had put me through, I just couldn’t think about looking at her or reading anything from her for a while. Just so evil!
Gradually, our session turned away from my mother and more to connecting as a couple. It’s hard to convey what all we talked about. The cuddling and touching drew us very close. I feel like I “left“ my mother and “cleaved“ to my wife in a fresh way. In a surprisingly deep way. So deep, that as it was happening, I kept asking myself, “is this safe? Is this healthy?“ Is it normal for another human being to place such an integral role in the inner workings of one’s mind? A mother and father yes – we can’t help that. That’s how we come into the world. But you choose to make another living being that important to you? In my inner child asked me, “What if she dies?“ Cancer has been mentioned. It’s on our mind. What if she dies? How can you ever trust a human this much, when they could die? If she dies, that will really really hurt. There’s no other way to say it. But for now, we have a comforter. And this woman will not hurt us like the other one did.
Sometime later, maybe the next day, my wife said a perfectly normal, healthy thing that was a bit cutting. My inner child became uneasy with that. I told my inner child, “when this woman hurts us, it is because she wants to make us better. Always. When the other would hurt us, it was because she wanted to keep a small and weak. But this one wants our best. So you can trust this woman. She is good to us, even if sometimes it is uncomfortable.” That is very true.

** Update **
Since my session with my wife, I have not had a dizzy spell. I did, however, feel sick to the stomach writing this. It was a very difficult post to write, even if it is short enough to read.
That night, I had terrifying and highly significant dreams, which have fascinated me for almost a week now. Look for the first of these tomorrow.
** Update (March 2) **
I still have slight dizzy spells, often when feeling intense emotions. I have learned to recognize them for what they are, and not focus too much on them. I am not sure if they will abate when I become generally less stressed, or if they are part of my reality now.
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