Disturbing dreams (death eater, frozen horses)
Note: I have been processing a lot with my parents. As I do, I have had quite a few symbolic dreams. I have been trying to interpret my dreams, to better understand what my inner self may be wrestling with emotionally and spiritually.
I was in a war, but the enemy had the same uniform as I did. He kept laughing, and saying, “Go ahead,
shoot me! It won’t hurt!” I could see clearly that he had a bullet proof vest on. I was supposed to shoot him, he was the enemy. I didn’t really want to, but I shot my machine gun at his throat.
“I didn’t mean to shoot me there!” he said. I had hit him four times in the throat. He was taken away to
surgery.
I was driving towards my parent’s house, but they lived at a different place. I remember passing the stop signs in town. Someone was asking me if I had paid for this car-ride. I said that for a long time now, I
had changed. I was not a mooch like my parents. I had my own house, my own car. I didn’t take advantage of people. We pulled up, and I realized that I would have to wait at my parent’s house for a good twenty minutes. I was a captive. I felt myself going into passive mode. “I hope he doesn’t yell at me!” I felt trapped.
Inside, the house was strangely clean and nice. The floors were hardwood floors, and it was bright. There were a lot of kids everywhere. The kids were especially bright, happy, beautiful, clean. As though lights were shining on them, or like they were characters in a movie.
I knew this was really the house of a family friend, but my parents were there for some reason. A happy, healthy ten year old girl bounced up to me and said, “We have fleas. But we are working on getting rid of them.” “Why was I invited here if they knew they had fleas?” I wondered. I was polite to the girl.
There was a very nice looking puppy, standing in front of a paint easel. I patted him on the head and said, “nice doggy.” But he wasn’t a dog, he was a young boy: red-headed, about seven or ten. “I'm not a dog!” He said. I apologized and apologized, but he didn’t seem all that offended.
**
I had been a contestant on Hell’s Kitchen. I kept trying to watch my episode. “Did I do good?” I asked my wife. She slowly shook her head. I wanted to see the episode, but I couldn’t watch it.
Then we were watching something else.
***
“Shoot him, shoot him!”
A fat man was gently telling me over and over to shoot another man. He was laying at my feet, I was also lying down. There was a handgun in my hand. Maybe I was watching this.
The other man was kind. He did not want to die. He had black hair. He was about my age: defenceless. I tried closing my eyes to shoot him, but I really did not want to. But somebody needed to die. Then I turned my gun, and shot the fat man. I was not "supposed" to do that, but it felt like the right thing to do.
The fat man fell through the floor, and landed on the grass below. Black tendrils came out, and pulled him down. We both watched him, and felt fear.
The movie played, and there were so many people walking around this beautiful, artificial place above the grassy field. There was a grid, with some grass and structures, and many holes. We could fall through any time. if we did, “it” would get us. There was no
escape. It was very hungry, and very large. It required sacrifices.
We were much further away now, on the far side of the compound. The compound had walls. They were white, and impenetrable. Maybe there was nothing beyond them. It was at this moment that I woke up.
****
Much before this, there was a dream about horses. We could buy horses in the mail, frozen, for meat. But we had the idea of thawing them out. Once they were thawed, they became beautiful horses. One especially was mottled white and brown, and was strong and gentle and fast. We were living
in a wooden house, my wife and I, with an old barn. I was excited to have the horses. Did we want to escape on them? I cannot remember.
I woke up from that dream thinking, “But the horses had no feet…the feet were cut off for
packing/transport.”
***
There was a red emergency phone. A lifeguard came to it, and called for help. What did he need? He said something like, “We need one of those tubes to put down somebody’s throat. Can you come soon?” He wasn’t quite sure how to hang up the phone. He wasn’t very rushed. He seemed lazy and incompetent. But now help would be on the way.
Who was it with the blocked airways? Was that the problem? A blocked airway? Who was the lifeguard?
***
As I was waking, I thought, “Maybe someone could go down and fight the black tendril monster.” It was a
crazy thought. The monster was so large, it was everywhere! “Maybe we should feed it all of our dead.” But I knew that had been tried, and it only grew larger.
My wife and I were torn. Should we stop watching the movie? But we wanted to know how it would end.
****
I think that at the my parents friend's house, I talked with my dad. I told him that I did not want to spend time with him.
It was a normal conversation, but we were also trying to keep the peace. And I was already in his space. I do not know if I really talked to him.
***
I do remember riding the horses. They were in a yard behind our home. They were all mine: nobody had thought of thawing out horses. It was a secret strength, that only we had. Me and my wife, or my family.
“Us,” we had the horses. The horses made me very happy, and made me feel strong.
***
We were in the gym at our Bible college, and the lights were off. Was it an all-nighter? Were we watching movies somewhere?
There were other peers around. I was feeling somewhat insecure. Was I accepted? Did they approve? I
wanted to watch the movie we were all watching.
I think the movie was of me on Hell’s Kitchen.
I think maybe my dad was David Ramsay. Is that possible?
***
I think I remember being on the show. I remember something about the fruits and vegetables. Was I making a salad?
David wasn’t mad at me. Maybe that part came later. I just remember a huge tray of fruit and vegetables. I wasn’t very serious about it. I was faking it. How long could I make it without them knowing I didn’t belong here? Before the big blowup.
Apparently not very far: I asked my wife, “How did I do?”
“Not well.” She slowly shook her head.
Why can’t I remember that part? I must have been cut on the first episode. It must have been messy. So
messy my wife didn’t want to talk about it. What had I done? What had he said? What was so bad about it?
***
I was pretty sure that when people fell through the grass and were eaten by the creature, they did not die
right away. I could imagine what it felt like to be slowly digested by the creature. I could see it was a dragon, or lizard, with a long throat, and fire in its belly. I could see a man in a fetal position, trying to get out, struggling. The beast liked the feeling of struggle. It relished it, like a human might turn over food in his mouth, to appreciate the texture. The struggle was futile, and so sad. There was no escape: only a slow death.
“Should we stop watching the movie?”
“But I want to know how it ends.”
***
I keep thinking of our horses. Now, I can only think of them as frozen, skinless, with feet cut off. Just cadavers of meat.
Could we make them run again? Could we make them alive?
It was important for them to come to life, to be alive for us.
That cabin and barn were fragile. I could just see the rough beams things were made of. Was it a safe place? A place to escape from? I don’t know. But we needed those horses. We loved them so much.
***
****
Interpretation
1. Clearly, my mind is stressed about the potential meeting with my dad. This is seen symbolically as a performance (with others watching) on Hell’s Kitchen. I think my mind chose Dave Ramsay because he yells so much. I could not see the event. Likely because it has not happened yet. But there was fear that it would not go well. This fear was manifest in my wife’s shame at watching the episode, and saying it did not end well. The primary fear here is rejection: I failed in front of others, and was shamed.
2. I feel fear of my world being destroyed. The “monster beneath” is a theme I recognize from elsewhere in literature. It is a fear of catastrophe, absolute destruction. This is still what dads wrath feels like to me: like absolute destruction. I can’t help but think that this was what it was like growing up in my home. What was the monster? My dad? My mom? The evil was deeper than either or both of them. But it requires sacrifices, and was always hungry. We had to walk sooo carefully, or we would fall, and the evil would grasp us.
3. I thought of the friends of my parents. Their family always seemed so healthy and happy. But they were also clearly in alliance with my parents. There is a double meaning here. Everything is so beautiful and idyllic. And yet the girl has fleas. And the boy is really a dog (or the dog is treated like a boy?) all was not how it seemed: this was not a healthy place. They may look it, but these are not children who are safe. But in this place, I felt the burden of “their house, their rules.” I was trapped here by social conventions. I couldn’t leave, shout, or raise my voice. Strangely, I think it was in this place that I confronted my dad simply and without emotion, telling him to go away. And that he accepted it.
4. I do not know who the soldier was that I had to shoot. Was he my dad? He may have been. Or a part of him: I think the whole idea of my dad would have been too overwhelming, so this was only a part of him. He thought he was protected, but I shot him in his neck, where he was weak. I did not want to, but I had to. It was what I needed to do: but afterwards I felt sooo bad. Am I still so concerned by how my separation will make my father feel?
5. I cannot make sense of the lazy lifeguard. I can’t remember who he was trying to save. Sometimes in dreams I am so afraid that I cannot speak. Is that what the tube was for? To enable me to speak? I do not know.
6. I do not know who was the other man that I was supposed to kill: the man with black hair. The one that I ended up rescuing by shooting the fat man. But when I did not kill him, he disappeared. I feel..I think it may have been me. I think we may have been connected at the feet. And the fat man (who felt like duty/obligation) has to die. When he did, the other, good man disappeared. I think he may have become me. Our feet connected, we may have risen up and became one.
7. The horses and cabin were very faint. But they were the only good part of the dream series. I think they represent the progress that my wife and I are making. The health and counselling we are doing is all on our own, and it is without any help or blessing from any of the people in my dream: least of all my parents. Also, the horses came from a crazy idea. It was part thrift (I remember my wife saying how cheap they were!) and part ingenuity: nobody had thought of thawing out horses and riding them! All alone in the woods, without anybody else, we were developing something, becoming strong. But would it work? There seems to be some doubt.
Go ahead! Shoot me!
I was in a war, but the enemy had the same uniform as I did. He kept laughing, and saying, “Go ahead,
shoot me! It won’t hurt!” I could see clearly that he had a bullet proof vest on. I was supposed to shoot him, he was the enemy. I didn’t really want to, but I shot my machine gun at his throat.
“I didn’t mean to shoot me there!” he said. I had hit him four times in the throat. He was taken away to
surgery.
"We have fleas..."
I was driving towards my parent’s house, but they lived at a different place. I remember passing the stop signs in town. Someone was asking me if I had paid for this car-ride. I said that for a long time now, I
had changed. I was not a mooch like my parents. I had my own house, my own car. I didn’t take advantage of people. We pulled up, and I realized that I would have to wait at my parent’s house for a good twenty minutes. I was a captive. I felt myself going into passive mode. “I hope he doesn’t yell at me!” I felt trapped.
Inside, the house was strangely clean and nice. The floors were hardwood floors, and it was bright. There were a lot of kids everywhere. The kids were especially bright, happy, beautiful, clean. As though lights were shining on them, or like they were characters in a movie.
I knew this was really the house of a family friend, but my parents were there for some reason. A happy, healthy ten year old girl bounced up to me and said, “We have fleas. But we are working on getting rid of them.” “Why was I invited here if they knew they had fleas?” I wondered. I was polite to the girl.
There was a very nice looking puppy, standing in front of a paint easel. I patted him on the head and said, “nice doggy.” But he wasn’t a dog, he was a young boy: red-headed, about seven or ten. “I'm not a dog!” He said. I apologized and apologized, but he didn’t seem all that offended.
**
I had been a contestant on Hell’s Kitchen. I kept trying to watch my episode. “Did I do good?” I asked my wife. She slowly shook her head. I wanted to see the episode, but I couldn’t watch it.
Then we were watching something else.
***
“Shoot him, shoot him!”
A fat man was gently telling me over and over to shoot another man. He was laying at my feet, I was also lying down. There was a handgun in my hand. Maybe I was watching this.
The other man was kind. He did not want to die. He had black hair. He was about my age: defenceless. I tried closing my eyes to shoot him, but I really did not want to. But somebody needed to die. Then I turned my gun, and shot the fat man. I was not "supposed" to do that, but it felt like the right thing to do.
The fat man fell through the floor, and landed on the grass below. Black tendrils came out, and pulled him down. We both watched him, and felt fear.
The movie played, and there were so many people walking around this beautiful, artificial place above the grassy field. There was a grid, with some grass and structures, and many holes. We could fall through any time. if we did, “it” would get us. There was no
escape. It was very hungry, and very large. It required sacrifices.
We were much further away now, on the far side of the compound. The compound had walls. They were white, and impenetrable. Maybe there was nothing beyond them. It was at this moment that I woke up.
****
Much before this, there was a dream about horses. We could buy horses in the mail, frozen, for meat. But we had the idea of thawing them out. Once they were thawed, they became beautiful horses. One especially was mottled white and brown, and was strong and gentle and fast. We were living
in a wooden house, my wife and I, with an old barn. I was excited to have the horses. Did we want to escape on them? I cannot remember.
I woke up from that dream thinking, “But the horses had no feet…the feet were cut off for
packing/transport.”
***
There was a red emergency phone. A lifeguard came to it, and called for help. What did he need? He said something like, “We need one of those tubes to put down somebody’s throat. Can you come soon?” He wasn’t quite sure how to hang up the phone. He wasn’t very rushed. He seemed lazy and incompetent. But now help would be on the way.
Who was it with the blocked airways? Was that the problem? A blocked airway? Who was the lifeguard?
***
As I was waking, I thought, “Maybe someone could go down and fight the black tendril monster.” It was a
crazy thought. The monster was so large, it was everywhere! “Maybe we should feed it all of our dead.” But I knew that had been tried, and it only grew larger.
My wife and I were torn. Should we stop watching the movie? But we wanted to know how it would end.
****
I think that at the my parents friend's house, I talked with my dad. I told him that I did not want to spend time with him.
It was a normal conversation, but we were also trying to keep the peace. And I was already in his space. I do not know if I really talked to him.
***
I do remember riding the horses. They were in a yard behind our home. They were all mine: nobody had thought of thawing out horses. It was a secret strength, that only we had. Me and my wife, or my family.
“Us,” we had the horses. The horses made me very happy, and made me feel strong.
***
We were in the gym at our Bible college, and the lights were off. Was it an all-nighter? Were we watching movies somewhere?
There were other peers around. I was feeling somewhat insecure. Was I accepted? Did they approve? I
wanted to watch the movie we were all watching.
I think the movie was of me on Hell’s Kitchen.
I think maybe my dad was David Ramsay. Is that possible?
***
I think I remember being on the show. I remember something about the fruits and vegetables. Was I making a salad?
David wasn’t mad at me. Maybe that part came later. I just remember a huge tray of fruit and vegetables. I wasn’t very serious about it. I was faking it. How long could I make it without them knowing I didn’t belong here? Before the big blowup.
Apparently not very far: I asked my wife, “How did I do?”
“Not well.” She slowly shook her head.
Why can’t I remember that part? I must have been cut on the first episode. It must have been messy. So
messy my wife didn’t want to talk about it. What had I done? What had he said? What was so bad about it?
***
I was pretty sure that when people fell through the grass and were eaten by the creature, they did not die
right away. I could imagine what it felt like to be slowly digested by the creature. I could see it was a dragon, or lizard, with a long throat, and fire in its belly. I could see a man in a fetal position, trying to get out, struggling. The beast liked the feeling of struggle. It relished it, like a human might turn over food in his mouth, to appreciate the texture. The struggle was futile, and so sad. There was no escape: only a slow death.
“Should we stop watching the movie?”
“But I want to know how it ends.”
***
I keep thinking of our horses. Now, I can only think of them as frozen, skinless, with feet cut off. Just cadavers of meat.
Could we make them run again? Could we make them alive?
It was important for them to come to life, to be alive for us.
That cabin and barn were fragile. I could just see the rough beams things were made of. Was it a safe place? A place to escape from? I don’t know. But we needed those horses. We loved them so much.
***
****
Interpretation
1. Clearly, my mind is stressed about the potential meeting with my dad. This is seen symbolically as a performance (with others watching) on Hell’s Kitchen. I think my mind chose Dave Ramsay because he yells so much. I could not see the event. Likely because it has not happened yet. But there was fear that it would not go well. This fear was manifest in my wife’s shame at watching the episode, and saying it did not end well. The primary fear here is rejection: I failed in front of others, and was shamed.
2. I feel fear of my world being destroyed. The “monster beneath” is a theme I recognize from elsewhere in literature. It is a fear of catastrophe, absolute destruction. This is still what dads wrath feels like to me: like absolute destruction. I can’t help but think that this was what it was like growing up in my home. What was the monster? My dad? My mom? The evil was deeper than either or both of them. But it requires sacrifices, and was always hungry. We had to walk sooo carefully, or we would fall, and the evil would grasp us.
3. I thought of the friends of my parents. Their family always seemed so healthy and happy. But they were also clearly in alliance with my parents. There is a double meaning here. Everything is so beautiful and idyllic. And yet the girl has fleas. And the boy is really a dog (or the dog is treated like a boy?) all was not how it seemed: this was not a healthy place. They may look it, but these are not children who are safe. But in this place, I felt the burden of “their house, their rules.” I was trapped here by social conventions. I couldn’t leave, shout, or raise my voice. Strangely, I think it was in this place that I confronted my dad simply and without emotion, telling him to go away. And that he accepted it.
4. I do not know who the soldier was that I had to shoot. Was he my dad? He may have been. Or a part of him: I think the whole idea of my dad would have been too overwhelming, so this was only a part of him. He thought he was protected, but I shot him in his neck, where he was weak. I did not want to, but I had to. It was what I needed to do: but afterwards I felt sooo bad. Am I still so concerned by how my separation will make my father feel?
5. I cannot make sense of the lazy lifeguard. I can’t remember who he was trying to save. Sometimes in dreams I am so afraid that I cannot speak. Is that what the tube was for? To enable me to speak? I do not know.
6. I do not know who was the other man that I was supposed to kill: the man with black hair. The one that I ended up rescuing by shooting the fat man. But when I did not kill him, he disappeared. I feel..I think it may have been me. I think we may have been connected at the feet. And the fat man (who felt like duty/obligation) has to die. When he did, the other, good man disappeared. I think he may have become me. Our feet connected, we may have risen up and became one.
7. The horses and cabin were very faint. But they were the only good part of the dream series. I think they represent the progress that my wife and I are making. The health and counselling we are doing is all on our own, and it is without any help or blessing from any of the people in my dream: least of all my parents. Also, the horses came from a crazy idea. It was part thrift (I remember my wife saying how cheap they were!) and part ingenuity: nobody had thought of thawing out horses and riding them! All alone in the woods, without anybody else, we were developing something, becoming strong. But would it work? There seems to be some doubt.
...but I can remember the feel of wind on my face, the incredible feeling of riding that speckled white and black horse. Riding in strength and beauty, finding a way to freedom, and to escape. Then coming back to our little cabin, the one we had made with our own hands, my wife and I. It was very faint but it was...hope...
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