Dreams: The needy alligator, and planet "dad"
I had started my new job as an underground as a miner. A friend was supervising me, but I was secretly afraid to go underground. I went up the elevator, and got a lunch. (We were suddenly in a hotel) at the cafeteria. My son was there too. But I stole one cucumber from the deli. The waitress saw me and made me feel bad in front of the customers, so I paid for the slice of cucumber. Then I bought three sandwiches.
By this time my shift was almost over, and I was now worried I would lose my job. (I had talked to my friend the previous day about work...the dangers of mining, and the uncertainty of keeping ones job these days).
Back at our house, we had a lot of company coming over, sleeping every where. One father with his boy needed space. I took a mattress from an outdoor space (a camper...my parents camper…maybe…?) and put the mattress in a low-ceiling loft area. “Look, it’s perfect for you!” I said to the child. But it was dark, and he did not want to go without his father because he was scared. Then, I think I was his father, and he slept up there happily with me.
We had done a fundraiser event, but while everyone was drinking and having a good time, the bartender pocketed the money. It was a big stack. She looked this way and that, then wrapped it in paper and put it in her pocket.
I knew she had done it, and was considering how to confront her.
I found out later she was spending money here and there, buying things for people. “She is so generous!” One teammate said. But I knew she was just feeling guilty: trying to appease her guilt, while still keeping most of the money.
While considering this, I was out in town with my kids.
There was a small alligator on the sidewalk that looked sick. (It was very fat and plump, like all of the features of an alligator got “squished” down into a three-foot animal, walking on hind legs like a cartoon character) I picked it up to help it, and threw it into the ditch, where there was water. Instantly, it became healthy, and swam straight to one of my kids. I caught it just as it jumped out of the water at him. Just in time.
I kept pushing it back, laughing (it was such a silly, awkward creature on land), but it kept wanting to come home with me. Then it was cold out, and the alligator showed me that it was cold. (It suddenly had human skin, and was flushed bright red... from the cold, also from me slapping him back?)
As this went on, my mother called. I had been drafting a note on my phone for the bartender/thief. But could hear someone taking.
I decided to answer it.
“Hello, Mom.”
“Hi! How are you?” She was trying to be friendly, and reconcile.
“Good, good” I responded. But my voice was hesitant, not showing emotion. What to talk about? “But how did you get this number?”
There was just silence on the other end for a very long time, then I hung up the phone.
The alligator really wanted to come home with us, but I would not let it. I carried my son home, and left the alligator in the elements.
When I got home my wife had compassion on the alligator, and said, “he is probably just hungry” and offered him some spaghetti. I can remember the spaghetti dripping ominously from the jaws of a full-grown, healthy alligator. I don’t think it was the spaghetti that he really wanted….
****
There were a series of planets. We were talking about which ones would be the best to live on. “Everyone wants to live on mars,” said my wife...”we should live on the biggest one!!” Said one of my kids. “Bigger is not always better,” said my wife patiently. You also don’t want too small. So some of the planets people like are really no good: but some other planets are very good! People don’t consider them! Like your dads planet...” she was talking to the kids.
We went to the planet she was talking about. “Dad’s planet.” There was a very large dome, with domes inside, connected by tunnels. My second-oldest (the science kid) wanted to know how the trucks could drive back and forth. “Wouldn’t they just produce lots of smoke?” They must have been electric because there was no smoke: it was all very clean and functioning very well. Like science fiction. I was walking in the big dome, looking at the smaller ones. Everything was sealed from the toxic atmosphere of space outside.
I opened one door, and a vigorous game of floor hockey was being played. (But with very short, child-sized sticks). It was a professional game, with jerseys, a crowd, an announcer, and ice. I jumped onto a team, and began playing very well. One of the players was disqualified for bad sportsmanship, which gave me an advantage. (His goal was made invalid because he was trash-talking the opponent. So he was taken off the team) I took his place, and took the ball right to the net, and kept shooting until I scored (the goalie blocked it twice, but did not catch it)
Then “we are the champions” started playing, and I was awarded the mvp trophy, by the actual star. Who said that my contribution at the end counted for everything.
I woke up with my conscious mind wondering why “everyone” is trying to get me to reconcile with my parents. Or is that just my imagination? Why does everyone want us back together? Aren’t we (my family) just happier without them?
I also thought of “fighting to the end.” I thought of a 100 year old man, fighting in icu, right to the end. What a hero! But at the same time...what is the point? If he knows where he is going? Maybe he should just let go. My conscious mind thought that there must be a “suicide” circuit somewhere in the brain. That seems horrible to say. But when someone is dying (or, in the old days...being eaten alive by a predator) there comes a time when the brain says, “it’s time to die. This isn’t worth it.” You see this in animals. Some prey animals (squirrels, rabbits) will literally die “of fear” if you capture and pick them up. But in humans, does this switch get triggered by manufactured fear? Could we get so stressed about things, it feels like we are being consumed metaphorically by a predator? And so it is time to give up? The switch is tripped, and we’re in suicide mode?
These thoughts were for my wife, not for myself, as she battles anxiety and dark thoughts.
***
interpretations
The first bit seems to be concerned with my talk with my friend, about getting a job at the mine. The pay is great, but it can be very dangerous working underground. I could suddenly die, and my kids would not have a father. So that holds me back. Also, people get fired all the time at the mine. Even people with job security. So I think I was just processing that. Nothing too deep.
Also, the bit at the end was more of something my conscious mind has been thinking about for a few days. As I study more about the brain. Is there such a thing as a “suicide switch“ in the brain? It seems like it would make sense, based on what I said here. Something potentially to look into. But that part of the dream was not part of my subconscious giving me images. My conscious mind I just got distracted by a lyric from the song and thought about something I have been thinking about during the day.
And so for the actual meat of the dream…
It seems that there are three images for my mother. There is the bartender who is giving everyone drinks, helping everyone have a good time… But secretly pocketing all the money. That was supposed to be the point of the whole event – to make money. And now it is all gone. And then she calls, to try to reconcile. And then, she is the alligator that wants to come home. She seems so lonely and forlorne. Sick even. But all she wants to do is eat my kids. I think these images are fairly self-explanatory.
I am not totally sure about the child that needed to sleep in a small cramped space. But that child lives with me in the mine, and when I was buying a sandwich. That part of the dream doesn’t seem to be as major. However, it might speak to the fact that my children would really not be comfortable in my parents camper – as my parents have continually asked for – without their actual dad being present. I think I may have taken a mattress from my parents camper, and used that to make a safe place in my own home with his child to sleep. I think the child was my own child. This underscores the fact that, despite my parents continually asking to have my children sleep over (which is a very strange request, considering that they barely know my children) any child would feel very uncomfortable and afraid in that situation. And so there is a reason I am not doing it.
In the final series, my wife points out to the kids that living on dad’s planet is a great place to be. It might not be the one place that everyone is recommending – but it is the perfect place for us! I think all of the domes represented protection. There were lots of little domes to keep people safe. Then, there was an extra dome outside of everything, as a double protection. One would not want to be sucked out into space! I would think there would not be much room on another planet, but these domes were quite large. We had enough room. This was contrasted with the tight spaces in the mine, and in that small room where I was trying to make the boy go to sleep. It was lots of room on “dads planet.“ and on this planet, I became the most valuable player in a hockey game, and was given a prize.
I think this also makes a pretty straightforward sense. I think my subconscious is very happy about me protecting my family, and keeping them far, far, far away from that little alligator that wants to eat them. Or wants to put them in confined spaces in their camper and who knows what might happen there. Keep them far away, and sealed up. Doubly sealed up against the dangers and emptiness of space. If I will do this, I will become the most valuable player, and even though the game has been going on a long time, my contributions at the end will win the game. I think what this means is that the story of my genetics has been going on for a long time. One player (maybe my dad?) Was disqualified for abusive behavior. He is out of the game. But I playing in his place, and playing well, I can win the game. What does it mean to win the game? My subconscious was not real clear about that. But I had to feel like everyone is safe, and having a lot of fun on dad’s planet. In all these protected doubles. There is life and protection and safety. It felt very sterile, but in a healthy sort of way. Like he would want things to be stare out if an epidemic was going on. Sterile in a way that produced and protected life. It felt very clean and wholesome and good inside of those bubbles.
And so I just… I don’t care… I don’t care about anyone who says I need to reconcile right now. Reconcile in the future? Maybe… I will ask my future self. I will ask my future parents. But right now? I’m just going to keep my kids safe. That is it. That is the priority. The one priority. And it is good and an important priority!
***
When I woke up, I did a quick EMDR session with myself and told my inner child that I will protect my children. I will not let that woman close to my children. I felt like the child was happy with that, though it said nothing. Then after a while, it said quietly, “and…will you protect this child?”
I thought about it, then said yes. I will not listen to the voice of duty, it says I need to let my mom close to you. I will protect you, even if it cost me a lot. (My status, perhaps religious privileges loss, perhaps friends I don’t get it). I will protect you…
He was happy with that. Although he’s not quite sure he can trust me. But he is beginning to trust more.
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