"What are you waiting for...?"

I have this overwhelming sense that I am “waiting“ for something. 

I am not quite sure what it is. But I feel in someway that I cannot move on until “it” happens. I feel that I need to have some sort of resolution with my parents. Some sort of confrontation. Yes, not a reconciliation, a confrontation. 

I feel like my body is building up for this, and my subconscious is telling me, “you need to be prepared for this! You can’t let this destroy us!”

Sometimes I feel like, “well, why don’t I just avoid this forever? Never talk to them at all?“ That seems like a very viable and good option. But then I feel like it is still out there, and I have to spend the rest of my life just waiting.  Why is that?

I realize I feel like I have done something wrong, and I am waiting for dad to come home to “spank“ me. After I would not let dad hold my girl as a baby, he was mad at me, and gave me the silent treatment for six months. When we finally talked, he let loose and let me have it. A full heaping of rage, spiritual manipulation, and threatened abandonment even threatened disowning. That was a very painful phone call. I got “spanked.“

And here, I know instinctually it is happening again. Mom is oozing out words here and there. She cannot help herself. But dad is staying silent. He can stay like that for months – that means he could stay like that for years. Bottling it all up. Keeping the rage fresh, in that caldron of bitterness he keeps somewhere in his body. And then, whenever I come to him for friendship and vulnerability, “Wham!!“ There it is! That is when the rage will fall.

So no wonder I am sitting here feeling like it is unresolved. Feeling like there is something still out there waiting for me. But now that I have named it, do I have to believe this is in the future? 

What right does he have to spank me anymore? What right do I have to let him? I owe myself more than that. But how can I convince myself that this event will not happen. That next time we meet, there will not be a spanking. There will be a meeting of equals. And if he is not prepared to meet as equals, then maybe that will be the end of our relationship. And that will be that. 

These thoughts are progress, but I still feel unresolved. How do I deal with this? How do I remove this nagging sense of dread that is still hanging over me?