A Guilty Narcissist?

There is something strange about my mom. Despite being a certifiable narcissist, my mom lives with guilt. 

My mother lives under an almost constant cloud of shame, fear of what other people think of her, guilt over things five long ago...things done to her, things that have nothing to do with her (poor boundaries). This is part of her personal hell. 

My dad, on the other hand, takes responsibility for nothing, and blames all of his shit on others. This is one reason they work so dysfunctional my well together. Mom always says sorry, and dad always says it’s her fault, then "forgives" her, training her to be ever more cautious around his fragile ego and issues.

But mom is not pure victim. She uses him too. One way that she has control is that when the cloud of darkness around her becomes too debilitating, it starts affecting how she can serve dad emotionally. And so he moves to help her. 

“I’m not really such a bad person, am I?” She may ask. 

“No. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.” He gives her what he has: complete moral absolution. She is perfect, and without sin. Although she does not completely believe it, this gives her strength to go on. She needs this from him. It is part of her emotional cycles. 

It is in this way that she us both perpetually guilty, and yet impervious to true, healing remorse. Anytime she sees one thing she has done wrong, she spirals into an overwhelming cloud of self-hatred, thinking of everything she has ever done wrong in her entire life. Then, she gets out of that by complete absolution. She has done "nothing" wrong.

She is both a “terrible monster” and she “has done absolutely nothing wrong,” as she stated in her letter. Which does she believe? She believes both. 

That is part of her insanity.