April 13 thoughts

The last few days, Joe has seemed a little stressed. At least, that is what I assume, because I have been getting the bad version of Joe.

Today, there was no work. Which is not fun, because it means I need to find ways to stay busy. I volunteered to clean my truck, which got Joe into a tirade about how it is so filthy. True enough, I have not cleaned the inside of the cab since starting. But neither have I been told to, neither have I seen anyone else clean it.

And so fair enough, I will clean the cab.

Then there was constant nagging. I should use different gloves. Why was I taking so long? I asked him where the cleaning supplies, and he threw up his hands in exasperation, “don’t ask me! You have to look for it!“ He later saw me working and complained that I had filled out a whole bucket of soapy water to use. It went on and on.

“Why are you so filthy?“ He had come over to berate me again, for no particular reason. 

With a little bit of anger in my voice I said, “because I spent the last two days cleaning the outside of the tanker!” Joe leaned back and look at the tanker. True enough, the first half of it was sparkly clean. That was no mean feat, and he knew it.

“Good job he said!“ Then walked away.

***

Towards the end of the day, we got a new truck into the garage. I took it for a test drive. Once it was parked, he asked me how it was.

I opened my mouth to respond, But before I could say a word he said, “yeah, I like this truck! It’s my favorite. It’s old, but it drives nice, it reminds me of this time…”

His eyes were wide, animated. He was reliving a very pleasant time in his past, very nostalgic.

It is always very disconcerting how a narcissist can change. In the past, I probably would have been swept up into that moment. To just be happy that he was happy, absorb his happy emotions.

But this time I let a small part of me be annoyed, maybe even a bit resentful that he had asked me a question — decent, normal, human interaction type question – and instead of waiting for the reply, he had replied for me. It’s always all about him. It just is!

Even on the good days, or the good moments of the good days, it is always about Joe. Which is just something for me always to keep in mind.

***

Update, I spent a few hours after work updating my resume, and sent it into two different employers. This has always been the plan. There are people in town they can pay better than the current company. However, I have been putting this off because I am loyal by nature, and I hate the thought of leaving Royce and others in a tough spot when business picks up. 

However, my wife reminds me that they have shown no loyalty whatsoever to me. The schedule changes depending on what they need. They have no problem leaving me very short in hours. Every winter they are slow, so even if they have good hours over the summer, over the winter it will be slow again. And despite my performance, I am still at the bottom of the totem pole.

I think that this is the main thing that bothers me about working with Joe. There is simply no way to get ahead. He accuses me of doing things wrong when I have done nothing wrong. I need to constantly be on the alert, and keep her awake so I can remember small details that happened a week ago, to defend myself. And heaven help me if I actually do something wrong! Leave a Ziploc bag out, or leave my gloves on the coffee table. It is the end of the world!

Meanwhile, Kim seems to slide by without major consequences for costing the company thousands, and endangering my life. Actually that is not the truth, he is on probation right now. Finally.

But I feel as though there is no way to move up. There is no way to get a raise here – everyone has the same job title. So the only way to improve is when Bobby thinks you are ready. When will that be? And how do I make it happen? Apparently, going the extra mile and working extra hard, making almost no mistakes, and doing extra things to get the company profit are not noticed. And every moment, I feel as though I am on probation. I feel as though I have been messing up this whole time, and one small slip and I am out of here! So why would I want to stay in a company like this, if I had the chance?