Thoughts, April 1

Thoughts, April 1

Post-scrip

I feel very strongly that anything I write after March 28 is a post-script to my journey. This was it. This is what my “gut” was trying to get me to recognize. These are evil, dangerous people. That’s it. Don’t let them near the children. Don’t let them near the child in you (because he deserves to be protected too!) And don’t let them have any power over you. Cut off all of the ties. 

I feel like in large part...this has been done. The journey is not over. I now feel a desire to go back, to organize, to fill in gaps, especially at the beginning. Perhaps, prepare this blog to be a book. 

After D-day, there was much to be done. Some say the worst losses, and the heaviest fighting were at the end. But the battle was already  won. 

I feel like emotionally, the battle is won. I do not have the heat from the breath if the beast within, panting in my ear and growling at eg to run faster! Learn more! Dig deeper!!

The furry creature rests. At the bottom of my digestive system, he rests. He has spoken. I have heard. I did what needed to be done. 

There will be more tidying up to do. And then, this all will be tested. 

Eventually, I must speak to my brother about the will. Someday, I will see my parents in person again. There will be other attempts, and maybe their strongest attempts lie in the future. 

But I will be ready for them. 

This journey have made me ready: and even though I can never be perfect, I have become something very formindable, something powerful. 

I have become so  my done who can draw on internal resources to keep evil people at bay. 

I will not allow a lonely alligator to walk home with me. I will not allow “super-mom” to master me. 

I am free from their clutches, and standing on my own two feet now. 

And that feels very, very good...

Emotional fatigue

I have the super-power of being able to hyper-focus in a topic for hours, even days straight. The power comes at a price. 

Between March 22?-25?, I worked four shifts in a row. Along with the pandemic, and news changing every day, it was among run. Then, I became focused (obsessed) with the idea of diagnosing my parents, and buried myself in that for four hours one night, and four hours the next morning. 

Afterwards, as mentioned, I felt a huge sense of relief. I told my wife, “I feel like there is a huge place in my heart that my parents one had, that is now freed up for you!”

My intentions were good, but what she heard (and experienced) was, “you get the leftovers.”

The next few days were hard, as she tried to emotionally recover from me leaning on her, while also chasing after kids, AND dealing with an evolving pandemic. 

It took us a few days to communicate and get back on track. 

Were not exactly sure if we regret what I did. I made huge progress, and I needed that focus. But it was just a time to remember that after I have my time to unload, my wife also needs extra time to heal from these times.