What first set me off..

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What first set me off..

One of the problems with this journey is that I did not know I was really on a journey until halfway through. For this reason, some of the early milestones were very poorly documented. As I have time, I would like to write some posts about some of the first things that happened to spark me in this direction. 

The Visit

This past summer, my parents tried to set up a visit with us. They started communicating with us in February, but we kept pushing them off. It made mom extremely angry, to the point of sending one of her famous letters. Part of why we were pushing them off was because we knew a move was coming. We did not want them scheduling flights, then we’d have to shift our schedule around theirs. (Because if course this would be how it would work. If we planned a visit — even without monies paid — and then cancelled it, for any reason, there would be hell to pay!)

When it got closer, other things came into play:
  1. I felt incredibly uneasy, thinking of my dad with my daughter. 
Memories from or last visit (one year prior) surfaced. I have spoken of those things elsewhere. We kept trying to find a place to visit (we did not want them at our house again). But where could we meet? Anything with walking was out, due to moms (imagined?) health conditions. But anything with water was most definitely out due to dads...creepiness. For a while we were planning to meet in a cave/tourist attraction. I actually thought of buying a night-vision camera, to try to catch dad in the act if he tried to stroke my daughter if the lights went out. 
  1. Grandma wants to give gifts 
The very last decent communication with mom on this was something to the effect of her saying, “I can’t wait to see my granddaughter open their presents!!” Something about this set me off very powerfully. A few things were off about it right off the bat. She was only focused on my daughter, not on her four other grandchildren. She was focused on her happiness at the moment, not my daughters happiness. That was a start. But there was something else: something very hard to express: but after all the work I have done on emotional incest, it makes more sense. 
If I can let my subconscious tell the tale from here...I could see the scenario playing out like this. My sweet daughter would innocently receive a gift. But it is not given innocently. A ravenous cockroach is giving it to her. As she opens it, and makes squeals of delight, the cockroach lifts the joy from her like sticky syrup and crams it ravenously onto its mouth. Suddenly, the cockroach pulls my daughter close (“give grandma a hug, dear...”) and the face of the cockroach turns into “girlie.” The childish face giggles and smiles, exactly copying every facial feature of my daughter. She ties webbing to her, and let’s her go, with a satisfied burp. My daughter, fixated on the gift, does not notice the strings, until much later...

But no. That is not how it ends. My daughter (sweet, undefined, unused to incestuous hugs) would misinterpret the gesture. She would snuggle into the embrace. “I love you too, Grandma!” The creatures wings buzz, it’s legs writhe in unanticipated joy. “This one is very succulent. We cannot let her go..” and double, triple cords are tied. 

Now, Grandma will always want to come here for her emotional needs. Her son made a terrible lover: he has been pushing her away since the day he was born. But his daughter? His daughter will do just fine. Better than fine. Perhaps at long last grandma has found the soul-mate she was looking for...

  1. “No more pussy-footing around...”

The other thing that set me off was my dads reaction to me niece coming out as gay. I talked about this in a previous post..


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