Blogging, and Dream

Yesterday I realized I had forgotten my meds twice in a row. I took a med around lunchtime, after blogging all morning.

I kind of crashed in the afternoon, with my head starting to get that familiar throbbing. Perhaps six hours of blogging was too much. I probably edited and wrote around 40 blog posts.

But at the same time, I felt giddy and light inside. I have edited and posted my blog, all the way past the place where I have made my decision. So now, I am fully living in the present: in this reality where my parents are not allowed, where I am cutting them off and really living a new life without them.

I felt exhausted, but elated. Like I had run a marathon, but won.

I thought how God often seems to tell people to take what is at hand, and fight the enemy with that. Well, I can write. That is what I have at hand. And I used it to write a bridge of light, right out of my abusive nightmare, and on to the sun-filled slopes on the other side.

I know there are still steps to take in the future. But I am feeling elated, and free.

***

I woke up, wide awake at two in the morning. There were a lot of thoughts running through my mind. I would not say that they were rushing through my mind, but my mind definitely felt awake. I dozed off and on, dreamt, and woke up feeling less than rested at 4:45 for work.

I need to remember not to take the meds at noon, as insomnia is one of their side effects.

As I thought of my dad, I could see myself replaying the familiar image of him showing up on my front doorstep. My door now has a window in it. Rather than opening the door and engaging with him, as I have done in my previous imaginings of this encounter, I have been seeing myself simply calling the police, and standing back from the locked door, waiting for them to come.

Perhaps he is there frantically motioning with his hands, but I am smiling calmly, and refusing to make eye contact until the police arrive. And that is that.

***

As I reflected on this dream in the morning, I noticed that it was very significant that in my dream, my father was outside my house, and outside me door. This is a big shift from previous iterations of that same dream!

***

I had a dream that I was visiting my older brother again, when suddenly my father showed up. It was a sort of trap, because -- as often happens in these dreams – I felt compelled by social rules to keep the peace and pretend all is well. Using this to his advantage, my father sidled casually up to me and made a move to put his arm around me as though all was fine.

“Fuck off!” I told him flatly, as I scooted out from under his arm, and walked briskly around the back of the house.

I think I woke up at that point, but I also may have collected my family, and left.

Of course, saying that and doing that would have been a bit shocking. But at the same time, not so much. I would have made my self very clear and well-known. And now everyone would know I believe in enforcing my boundaries.

They say that you know you are fluent in another language when you start speaking that language in your dreams. I have experienced this.

It is incredibly validating to know that I am now speaking the language of no contact in my dreams. Freedom is here. 

Freedom, is here!