Make it stop!

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Today, again I woke up tired, felt irritable, had a short bit of energy, then took a long nap.

When will it stop? How much must I endure?

I keep running through scenarios of detached contact, or reasons why I cannot completely go no contact. These thoughts feel like prison bars in my mind. 

I stepped outside to watch our toddler yesterday. The skies were grey, and so was my soul. Would I feel like this the rest of my life? How much more trauma would I have to relive in my mind?

Glumly, I thought, “This is why abuse victims commit suicide.” I just want it to stop. 

“But it will stop. I will make a break, I will !”

With these words, cool calming fire ignited in my neck and flowed out to my shoulders and down my spine. I stood taller, and soon came into the house, full of happiness, clarity and some energy. 

I will not end. But my relationship with my parents most definitely will. 

I don’t have all the theology worked out yet. Most wont understand. It will hurt them. It won’t be perfect. 

But it will happen. 

It will happen soon. 

And then, I will be free. 

***

Edit: I find that when I hold this truth in my mind: “I will make a break,” my mind becomes clear, and I am filled with light.  "if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light." (Mat 6:22) I must continue to repeat this to myself...

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