May 10 thoughts

-

I keep having happy thoughts. I keep smiling randomly to myself. I am singing, and find myself smiling without a reason.

Then I remember the reason. 

I am free! I have made my decision. I will live my life without my parents. I am no contact, and about to make it official. Really it is official: I get to decide who I live my life with. I chose to live it with the healthy people in my family and church family. I chose not to live it with my narcissistic and psychopathic birth family. 

They are out. 

And that makes me so, so happy!

***

Sucker fishing: saw eggs and sperm. Korban just said, “That’s cool.” Oh, that was so gross when we were growing up.

Anything having to do with reproduction was so far beyond taboo for my parents. I'm glad I'm not passing on that sense of revulsion for the ways of nature.

***

Decided to stop reading Psychopath Free. Find these thoughts repetitive. Much more enjoyable to think forwards. What is my next project?

***

Began thinking about my future, career. Very much enjoying working a driving job. Learn a basic skill, have time at work to think. Make a tradesman’s wage, without needing any special qualifications, or years of schooling. Very solid job security, due to work ethic.

This will leave time to perhaps finish doctorate in apologetics. Will be my terminal degree. Not technically necessary, but will be nice as I go on to write theology and fiction books.

Isobella seems unconvinced. We can talk more about it. But it seems that this low-stress career agrees with me better than our other plan, of taking teaching school and becoming a school teacher. 

Although this is also a good plan, and a reasonable one. Should I become a school teacher, there would be time and money to pursue a doctorate later, should I so choose.

At any rate, it is nice to be thinking about my future again. I am not feeling stressed. I do not feel the old pressure to “become something,” to be “amazing,” or to be “better than others.” 

What I like so much about the current setup is that this pandemic has shown us that we make enough money at it just working a few days a week. And apart from some petty squabbles (which are affecting me less and less), there really is very little stress. I sleep well at night. It leaves a lot of time for the family, and for projects that I enjoy doing.

But teaching seems to be much more than full time, and fairly stressful. But, I would have the benefit of having an impact on many young lives. And maybe the work would be a kind of reward in itself. 

We shall see. 

***

There is something about the beautiful nature, and beautiful souls of our northern town that makes me very content with the ordinary. There is no need to pursue a career here. Blue collar workers make far more than white collar workers here, and so society is not really stratified. I can just live my life, pay my bills, love my friends and church well, and raise healthy godly children in this place. I like this idea very much. 

***

As I thought more about getting a doctorate, I thought of the deep irony of getting a doctorate simply to have ones qualifications on a book. This is the definition of an appeal to authority. If the book is good, it must stand or fall on its own merits. Is it worth another $30,000 and two years of work to be called “Doctor Ishmael”? I am not sure... how many books could I write with that energy...?

I am still young. There are years and years yet to finish this degree. Really, there is no rush...

***

I had an appointment with a psychiatrist today. (Further to an appointment with a doctor in November) She affirmed my journey, said it seems I am going through a major life transition. There is not really a diagnosis for this: just kept on doing what I am doing. She did not see the need for meds, but agreed that the dose I was on was reasonable. She said she would refer me for local counselling. 

She said that although she understood the concepts I was referring to, she did not agree that "Stockholm Syndrome" applied in my case. At least, not as an official diagnosis.

***

Considering sending my “no contact notice” via some sort of legal channel. Sending an official document of some sort. “Serving notice,” as it were. If possible, from an attractive and highly competent female lawyer from a big city. 

The purpose would be legal, but also intimidation, to dissuade them from further actions. 

The game would be over before it’s begun. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Psalm for Victims of Abuse

-
Image
👇 my commentary below 👇 O Lord, You have searched me and known me . You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O Lord, You know it all. You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such  knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it. Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,” Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You. For You ...
Read more

in sterquiliniis invenitur

-
Image
Before science was alchemy: a combination of religious, philosophical, and pseudo-scientific ideas. Although “archaic” by our standards, these thinkers were the brilliant minds of their time, and their work made way for true science. According to Jordan Peterson, one of their key dictums was in sterquiliniis invenitur. Peterson liked to interpret that phrase as, “what you most need will be located in the place that you least want to look.” But for my purposes, I like the literal: “in filth it shall be found.” Yes, in filth it shall be found. I am on a journey, and I cannot totally control my trajectory. I just know what the next step is, and which rock to look under next. Some places scare me: some intrigue me. Some disgust me. My recent post on “Girlie” disturbed me greatly. It got me thinking in a very uncomfortable direction. Very, very uncomfortable. Will I publish these words? I do not know. But I need to take this journey. Pubishing is a separate issue. I need to ...
Read more

Babbling like a fool...?

-
As I continue to work in this blog, I was rereading my moms email . Two very prominent features in it were her insistence that she worried about me as a mother, and that she “babbles like a fool” — first to my uncle, then to me.  The worry is hard to figure out. Why is she putting so much emphasis on that? It doesn’t seem connected to the surrounding material? But I think that is her way of proving that she was a good mother: so good, in fact, that it aught to counteract any wrongs that she has done.  The babbling like a fool, however, was more confusing. She seemed to be saying, She babbled like a fool to my uncle (who answered monosyllabically) This proved that she was doing all that she could to mend their relationship This proved that he was not interested in maintaining the relationship  This interaction was the “final straw” in their relationship, proving to mom that there was no longer anything there Then, she tells me that she is babbling like a foo...
Read more

The End

-
Image
I think that it is time for me to draw this blog to a close. I wanted to send out a note to thank everyone who has been reading along. During these very intense six months, this blog has helped me to: 1) Define and clearly understand certain terms such as narcissism, psychopathy, evil and "no contact" 2) To comprehend and find some level of healing for my difficult childhood 3) To decide, and become very comfortable with my decision of cutting off all contact with my own parents I am feeling a shift in myself since: 1) I no longer have the desire to talk or think at length about my parents. I have to stifle the urge to yawn when they are brought up. I feel like a veil pulls over my mind's eye when I think about them. It's not fun to think about such wicked people, and there does not seem to be new or relevant things to think about.  2) I do not feel a desire to go deeper into the key issues of this blog, such as the nuances of narcissism, psych...
Read more

Do I Give the Kids the Candy? (Oct. 20)

-
On Halloween, my parents gave our kids a box filled with very expensive cards, and bags of sugar-free candies. We had had issues with giving in the past: the give too much, they give "junk," they give gifts unequally. They give clothes that don't fit our kids. They ask for suggestions, then ignore our suggestions. They give very environmentally damaging gifts, when we are more eco-conscious. These are some of the issues we have dealt with. Also, when gifts are given, there is an expectation that we will take pictures of the kids opening them, and thank them. Gifts are a big deal, and a source of tension.  So when I got a box of gifts, for halloween (who gives gifts for halloween?) while there was tension between us, I spent time journalling. What was I to make of this gift? Should I give it to the children or not? ** Am I giving the kids the cards? The Candy? No to the cards. Why? Because they are trying to be goofy and inviting, trying to lur...
Read more

How my mom made me mad... (Dec 10)

-
How my mom made me mad In a previous post, I mentioned that I had gotten very mad at my mom as a teen. Mad enough to yell “I hate you” at her. And for this, I was spanked. With a belt. As a 16+ year old. And I apologized for it. Try as I can, I cannot remember the specific thing that made me mad. However, I was able to remember the  feeling. As I focus on that feeling, a cluster of other memories comes to the surface.. ** I was sitting on the computer (now in the main area of our house) playing video games. I did that for hours at a time. They weren’t even fun or “good” games. My brothers were into World of Warcraft and Final Fantasy. But I didn’t play those games. I played simple games like solitaire, and basic, cheesy games with poor graphics. Much better games were available. Why was I playing so much? It is hard to say.  I was trying to find work, but not having much success. Why wasn’t I having success?  I had a job as a dishwasher one da...
Read more