Silence is golden

Today Chantal read some posts, including, “possible responses,“ and contacted me saying she felt uneasy writing my parents and possibly unleashing these negative responses that I anticipate. She also suggested only writing a book once my parents have passed. This is a switch for her, since she has been encouraging me to write you out my story, and perhaps publish it as a memoir. That she would make such a drastic shift reminds me just how crazy my parents are.  

My wife and I discussed this, and we played with the idea of just saying and doing nothing. After all, I already told them back in January that I wanted space for now. So until I revoke that, that still stands. I have already been no contact for seven months. I can just continue.

And there is nothing stopping them from doing some of the positive responses that I mentioned. Perhaps, if they make significant progress, continue to respect my boundaries, and find some healing for this dysfunction, perhaps there could be reconciliation. I don’t need to rule that out.

But neither do I need to give them a spark for their fire. If I give them some letter telling them what they have done wrong, or else telling them that I am done, that may just be the spark that they need.

I realize, (see the post, “in walking rage“) That my dad, like king Saul, is basically a coward. He is weak, and has a hard time making the greatest decisions in life. However, when he becomes angry, everything snaps into focus. He becomes a force of nature. He becomes a dangerous person. But he doesn’t really like this. It is very tiring to him. It is hard for him to psych himself up into this mode artificially. I can see him now in my mind, “oh, I don’t feel like it…“ He does not like being in that mood. And so I can see him procrastinating perpetually on my relationship. Perhaps we never will go to war.

On the other hand, if I sent him a note – any note – that might be the spark he needs. His inner warrior will arise, and I will become enemy number one.

An additional benefit is that every month that he procrastinates is another month when my kids have had no contact. Grandparent rights” aren’t really about the grandparents. Legally, they would need to build a case that they are an integral part of my children’s lives. It is children that have rights, not grandparents. But if they let this go for another one or two years, then that is just more time that they have not been in contact. My kids just don’t even know them.

It is a bit sneaky, but considering what my parents are capable of, I am not above subterfuge.

"Be ye shrewd as serpents, and innocent as doves."

Also, considering where we are emotionally right now, it’s just not the best time. Even financially: who wants to contemplate going to court, maybe even having child and family services called on them? Who would willingly walk into that? Best to let sleeping dragons lie.

Perhaps if it is closure that I need, we could have a little ceremony in the backyard. The fire ban is lifted. Could I burn something? Could I say some words? Shed some tears? Already, I feel a lot of closure. I feel a lot of issues are healed and in the past. It’s just a technical details that need to be worked out. But if it’s closure I need, perhaps I could get that in my own way without involving my parents.

***

After sleeping on it for a few days, this plan of not contacting them has given us a lot of peace. It has become our new plan.