Should I Cancel the Visit? (Journal Entry, July 25)

Context: my parents had been trying to nail down a date for our summer plans for almost six months. My wife and I kept putting them off. I couldn't put my finger on why. This journal is my attempt to understand what was going on inside of me.

Why do I feel it is unresolved?
- We don't have a location
- I don't know if my wife wants to go (she says she does not...OK, I know she does not want to go)
- I don't know if I want to go...

Why don't I just resolve it?
- As soon as I set a place, my mom will
  - Overplan like crazy
  - Add additional days/time
  - Micro-manage everything
  - Just generally go crazy
  - ...and take control
- I am still somewhat traumatized from the last visit
  - Did I see something?
  - Am I being over-suspicious?
  - It makes me sick
  - What if I am not wrong?
  - They were so strong, and so quick!
  - I felt like I couldn't stay ahead of them, keep them away from my children...
  - I do not feel safe around them

Why don't you just cancel the visit?
- They are still my parents
- I still like them
- I stil want them in my life/kids lives to some extent
- I feel like cancelling the visit would be like cutting off all contact
  - I don't have any concrete reason to do so
  - It would be very harsh
  - It seems unreasonable
  - They would get mad, which would still be very hard for me

Would you want to cancel?
- I would like to cancel, if i could
  - My wife would love me for it
  - I would feel strong
  - I would feel like I am standing up for my family

So why don't you cancel?
- Again, I don't feel like I can

Why don't you think you "can" cancel?
1. I don't have any clear reason...

(The real reason is...you are toxic, unhealthy people, who have caused us huge amounts of stress. I want above all to end generational sins at my generation. This means cutting off as much contact as possible. I do not want you to communicate intimately with my kids. Ever. Every word you speak drips with who you are. And I have chosen a different path. I do not hate you. I have forgiven you! But I know your power, and desire above all to keep it far from my family.

You are not safe around my family. You yelled at my wife when she was young and pregnant. You railed at her! I have forgiven, but cannot forget how she trembled after, and then had braxton hicks. We thought we were going to lose the baby! But it is for sure that Grandma lost her first, and her only ever family reunion. After you promised not to cause conflict, or talk about our disagreements! That is how much you care about "family values." You only care about "family rights" when you are the beneficiary! Who had more of a right than grandma? But you did not care. I do not think you ever even thought of her.

...and then, you made my wife apologize for this, because she spoke back at you, and because she pushed her way past you, into our room. You said she "abused" you! You said that I would not have a father anymore if my wife did not apologize to you. You made this demand years later, when I was in a moment of vulnerability. She did apologize for her part. But then you just accepted that and went on -- as though you were completely innocent. As though you were the victim in this! And that's probably exactly how you felt. That was your last chance at a relationship with my wife, by the way. She never trusted you after that. She was smarter than I.

I have made boundaries before, and you have gotten so mad! I did not let you hold my newborn -- you were trembling with rage! You had manipulated us and used your rage to get this meeting, when we did not have the time. Why would I let you hold a newborn baby? I would not subject a newborn to the energy of an angry, unhealthy person. And so you were silent for half a year (missing my birthday, and Christmas) then exploded on me when I called to say hi. You threatened (again) to disown me if I did not apologize for my "sinful" behaviour.

But you had gone too far. I was starting to clue in. I twisted things and apologized for something. You decided it was enough, and we have had an uneasy peace for several years now. But I have started to do work.

Through counselling, I have forgiven you -- for all that you have done, form childhood on.

Then, I realized that you had already disowned me.

"If you don't watch it, you're not going to have a father anymore."

You made your fatherhood of me conditional on my obedience to your toxicity. A parent's love is not conditional. You were not giving me a father's love. Maybe you never did.

I grieved the loss of you. I really did! And I forgave you. And God told me, "I have divorced you from your father. And I give you your pastor/mentor as your father."

And that was that.

You are not my father. You said it yourself! You are not safe around my family. You have proven that! You have hurt my wife deeply and have never acknowledged it, nor do you seem to care. I suspect you have already written her off as a "crazy bitch," and tolerate her only as a surrogate mother to your precious grand-children (bearers of the pure blood of the family *ugh*).

You are, in fact, a stranger to myself, an enemy of my wife, and a danger to my children. ...why exactly would I allow you access to my children?

On top of all of this, you behaved suspiciously and confusingly towards my daughter.

You swam with her -- not strange -- but at least once I am quite sure that I saw you push her by her bottom. Just playing? You didn't look like you were having fun. You were very serious. Your eyebrows were furrowed. You were intent, but not focusing on anything in particular. I am her dad. I never, ever push her by her bottom. Did I see what I thought I saw?

Mom wanted a photo of us swimming -- not weird -- but there were two. One with faces clearer. One was slightly more revealing of my young daughter. I chose the faces photo. She was disappointed, wanted the other one. Why? Am I imagining things?

All over the camper were the words "Beauty and the Beast." I remember this was always mom's favourite story. But why? Isn't "the beats" supposed to grow up into prince charming? Isn't that the point of the story? "Every beauty needs her beast/every beast needs his beauty." That was written on a pillow. Something doesn't seem right about that. Just how much of a beast is he? What does her beauty do for her? Am I making this up?

When I see him, I would never, ever, ever say these things. Even think them! But when I am away...I think about the signs, and I just don't know...

Mom is weak. She always was. He took her from a broken place. She would not say anything if she saw something. She would block it out...or, get very mad and have unresolved issues causing her physical symptoms, and hatred towards the victim. ...

We couldn't keep the kids out of the camper. We told them not to. Normally, our kids obey. Normally, they are hesitant around strangers. But with you both...all their guards went down. In a matter of hours. Minutes? How do you have this power over kids?

I can't protect my kids around them. I'm keeping my eyes on one kid, and they are leading another into the camper behind me.

But then we got icecream -- not weird. But I left to take a child to the bathroom, and came back to see my father cuddling with my daughter. Is that weird? I cuddle with my daughter. She is a very snuggly girl. But with a man she only met that day? That is kind of weird...

And his hand...went all the way down and cradled her thigh. He was licking his icecream and staring off into space. Intently. Like he was...what? Enjoying his icecream? I don't know.

He must have noticed me notice, because he moved his hand away. First awkwardly to the bench, then he stretched nonchalantly and changed position. He knew I saw.

I couldn't talk to him on the way home. I was so mad! But what could I say! What can I ever say...