Hotel California: A place of emotional incest

The Hotel California Feb 21

As I was thinking more about emotional incest (see post, “The Hurt in her Eyes”), I thought of the song, “Hotel California.” 

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair

Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air

Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light

My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim

I had to stop for the night.

There she stood in the doorway;

I heard the mission bell

And I was thinking to myself

'This could be heaven or this could be Hell'

Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way

There were voices down the corridor,

I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel California

Such a lovely place (such a lovely place)

Such a lovely face.

Plenty of room at the Hotel California

Any time of year (any time of year) you can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes bends

She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, that she calls friends

How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat

Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

So I called up the Captain,

'Please bring me my wine'

He said, 'we haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty-nine'

And still those voices are calling from far away,

Wake you up in the middle of the night

Just to hear them say"

Welcome to the Hotel California

Such a lovely place (such a lovely place)

Such a lovely face.

They livin' it up at the Hotel California

What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise), bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,

The pink champagne on ice

And she said, 'we are all just prisoners here, of our own device'

And in the master's chambers,

They gathered for the feast

They stab it with their steely knives,

But they just can't kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was

Running for the door

I had to find the passage back to the place I was before

'Relax' said the night man,

'We are programmed to receive.

You can check out any time you like,

But you can never leave!'

Several lyrics stood out especially:

Her mind is tiffany twisted, and she’s got the mercedes bends,

She’s got lots of pretty, pretty boys, that she calls friends

You can check out anytime you want, but you can never leave…

The picture painted is of a rich woman, surrounded by luxury, who invites younger men into her life. There is a whole community of people living there…free room and board, and great service. The only catch is that it all revolves around a sexual relationship with their hostess. The singer at first finds this intoxicating, but eventually toxic. Suddenly he is scrambling for the door, and trying to escape it, but he finds that while he can physically leave, he is an emotional prisoner of this woman, and this situation.

I thought how this looks a lot like the situation of emotion incest. This is, perhaps, the next iteration of it. Young men who were raised to carry their mother’s hearts grow up looking for another authority figure with which to have a romantic relationship. But these relationships end up getting very strange, toxic, and even dangerous.

I remember another scenario from Zane Grey (an old western writer…and my mothers favourite author at the time). A young cowboy was captured by outlaws, who were actually ruled by a dominant woman. The only way the cowboy got free was by romancing the outlaw queen. Although there were no graphic sex scenes, it was a very strange relationship, and a strange book to be reading as a teen. There is something about that type of relationship that stands out as “off,” “gross,” “scary,” and “dirty.”

In a Canadian series that my wife and I are watching right now, called, “Kim’s Convenience,” a very attractive young man (who has a troubled relationship with his parents, especially his father) is working at a car rental agency. For years, his female boss has been flirting with him, and showing her interest. But finally, at the session finale of season two, he decides he likes her back and kisses her. She suddenly has a change of heart, and becomes afraid and leaves.

A small price for her: but through the event, he loses his job and finds himself unemployed and unemployable. 

The series is a comedy, and they couldn’t leave the poor guy out on his luck for long, so he is rehired again soon — at a much lower position. However, what this underscores is the profoundly unhealthy reality of romance, combined with authority in the workplace. 

In Kate and Leopold, Leopold is a gentleman who was transported to the present. He comments that he would never date someone in the workplace, since, “Dating an employee creates a situation where she feels that she has to use love to win promotions…creating a situation of prostitution.”

All of this revolves back to the central theme. Love is one thing. Power is another. Love should never be extended in a situation of great power inequalities. Why? Because it creates a situation where the person under authority — who may really need the job — May feel a cooling in the relationship, but feel that they have to keep at it, in order to secure their job. It really is like a form of prostitution. 

Or, in a family, like a form of incest. 

“You’d better watch it,” my father snarled at me one day, as an adult, “or else you won’t have a father anymore.” My great crime? I had not let him hold my...no, wait...”his newborn granddaughter.” Why had I made this decision? It’s complicated. But the summary is that they had spent five days causing a scene, yelling at me, and demanding a visit. Effectively ruining our vacation. So finally we gave them their damn visit. But when we showed up, my dad was livid. Not yelling, but just simmering with pent up rage. I wasn’t going to let my newborn go anywhere near that ball of hatred and fury. 

And so I didn’t. 

And so dad didn’t get the love he was looking for. Demanding. And for that reason, he was ready to disown me. 

Is there ever a time to disown somebody? Perhaps. I cannot think of a scenario, but perhaps there is. Maybe if a child is on drugs, stealing from the family, involved in gangs, using the family name to siphon finds...maybe. But even then. Maybe a legal disowning. But the good father still would be waiting for his prodigal, would he not? 

Love should be freely given. Never forced, never demanded. Aside from gender roles which may come into play through culture and religion, authority should not be combined with love. Romantic love, and caring emotionally for someone, should not happen across major authority structures. 

If it does, it simply becomes toxic, abusive, hurtful, and very confusing.

Like the author of “Hotel California,” a person may feel that they are both in Heaven and Hell, that they are both enjoying and terrified by their experience. But when they grow tired of it, they may check out any time they want, but never leave. 

It is a profoundly dark place to grow up in. 

So what does it mean when a father threatens to disown...because he didn’t get what he thinks he needs/wants/deserves?

Isn’t this transparently an emotionally incestuous relationship? Where he thinks that I live to serve him? And if I don’t serve him...I’m discarded? ...just like that?

Like a servant that’s not worth his wages? Like a shoe that’s all worn out?

Except I don’t know if they would ever dispassionately disown me. I feel like if I ever left...if I left, of my own accord, and began thriving without them, (the ultimate insult) they would come after me. They would try anyways. Try to destroy my reputation, my happiness, my successes, my finances, my ministry opportunities. 

Because if I won’t serve them, why the hell should I deserve to be happy and successful antweee, with anyone, except for them?