Feeling Lost... (Oct. 6)

I feel as though there is a little man inside of me who woke up and came to the office one day to find that the company had been repossessed, he was moving departments, he would have no friends, no acquaintances, no one to rely on, but he would be expected to perform in the new place. That little man is frantically running around his office, trying to grab things, trying to figure out what life will be.

I feel angry inside. Not all of me, just part of me. Most of me is quite calm. Things have worked out well. Everyone is happy with us. Things are moving in the direction we have wanted for a long time. We feel God‘s hand, peace and blessing on us. So why do I feel so angry?

Angry at home? There is nobody to be angry at. We are the architects of this new chapter. Some have tried to hurt us, but they were unsuccessful. Angry at myself? I don’t think so. I am proud of the courage we have had.

Angry at circumstances? I don’t think so. Again, all is working according to plan. We have time to pack, then we will have time to debrief and get some counselling, then we will have time to set up, then we will have time to live a new sort of life. We could not have hoped for better.

So what am I mad at? Who am I mad at? Nobody. I am just mad.

Not all of me – just that fussy little office worker who likes to come to the morning every day, and know what to expect. He likes being able to reach over to the side, and grab his stapler, and always know where it was. He liked being able to call up Marge on his phone, to have her extension on speed dial, and ask her for that document by noon. He likes predictability. Well, his life is rocked. The little organizer in me is rocked. It’s not that he has been transferred to a new department and has to learn. He just knows that he will be transferred, and it will be uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable like being woken before dawn to dress in the dark and go out in the cold and wet to fish for smelts in the rivers. Uncomfortable like cutting firewood on a Saturday morning when you just wanted to stay in bed and or watch cartoons. Uncomfortable like learning to grow, learning to change. Just uncomfortable!

So what do I do with his anger? Where can I go?

Boring predictable people can get ugly when put in uncomfortable situations. I need to be careful with his anger. To vent it where it belongs. Go on runs, journal, write poetry. I need to be sure to keep my internal lights positive, and to have time to maintain my patience with my kids, especially my three-year-old. Above all, I need to turn this anger into a motivation.

“OK, so I have been transferred. OK, so this will not be comfortable. OK, well then I will be the best damn paper pusher that I can be in the next place. And I will make that place my home. And in the meantime, I will keep what few things I have under my power organized and in control. I will let the old things fall away. They are dead to me. I will not control them now. My circle will grow small for a while: I will only control myself and a few things. That is OK. Then, the circle will grow larger again. I will control other people and other things. I will always be in control, even if I must move from place to place, even if the places in each situations will change, even if the future is not known. And I will need to trust my future self to be adaptable. I will be in control.

And for now, I need to give that strange, frightened, bald little man a pat on the head to say, “it is OK child. You are doing good. You are loved. God sees you. Your father – your heavenly father – approves of you. And he has an exciting journey for you. Just wait and see! Just wait and see!”