"What did I do to make you leave me...?" (Oct. 17)
A question I would anticipate my parents thinking or maybe asking is, “what did I do? The answer is, lately, not much! They have been on their best behaviour for years. But that does not mean all is well.
A few years ago I realized how rage can be used as manipulation. The cycle is that someone – usually dad, but sometimes mom – we fly into a rage. Angry voices, tempers flare in, sometimes things were thrown. Sometimes, those who got in the way were “disciplined”. And then afterwords, everything went back to normal. But it was not normal. It was a new normal.
Actually, I’m moving too fast. Sometimes, there was a slight apology. “Sorry, I probably shouldn’t have raise my voice like that. I hope your feelings weren’t hurt? Here give me a hug…“ Usually, instinctively, we squirmed out of those hugs. We didn’t want it! It felt weird. We wish he would just skip that part.
Then sometimes he would be overly silly, poke me to try to make me laugh so I would stop being mad I never liked that part either. It felt like I wasn’t in control. I hated when he made me laugh, especially when I was trying to be serious, and trying to make my voice heard.
Then, things would be good. There would be no mention of the blowup. There would be no more mention of whatever I had done. Or what anybody had done. We were just avoid those subjects. And everyone would be good and happy. Except, like I said, it was a new kind of normal.
Everyone had been forcefully taught that there were certain things that were off-limits. If you go there, dad will blow up! Or mom will fall apart, or yell, or disappear or whatever. Or there will be consequences that are so far over the top it is ridiculous. And so it was a new normal, but it was a normal with strings attached.
And even now, 15 years after leaving home, the strings are still attached. That is why, when I think about saying "no" to my parents, my stress levels rise to incredible levels. That is why, when they call, my insides shiver. That is why, when I need to communicate with them, it takes a day – or even a week! -- out of my schedule. That is why, when they visit, it takes weeks to prepair, and weeks to recuperate.
And so in answer to the question, “what did I do?“ Well, let’s see…
One. As a child, you discipline me in anger. You also “kept me in line“ with an explosive temper and violent anger. I never knew how far you would go if someone defied you. But I was terrified of how far you would go. It’s still unsettles me.
Two. As a young adult, you yelled at my wife, you yelled at me, and you communicated that I was still "your child," and that the same rules apply even if we were outside the home. We needed to listen to you or else! And I needed to get my wife in line with your rule, too, because that was part of "submission," apparently.
Three. You threaten to disown on me, on numerous occasions, if I would not do as you said I should. You made my sonship conditional on my obedience to you, thereby affectively disowning me.
Four. And now, when certain triggers arise, or when I even think of you, I still have a strong emotional and even physical response. You still have power over me. And you have this power without saying anything, without raising your voice. You don’t have to. You already did – and what happened in the past you are still using today, whether you realize it or not. And likely, you know exactly what you are doing on some level.
 My questions going forward are:
1. How to detach these attachments?
2. How to defend, when (if?) they try to react through angry outbursts (how do I not "freeze"?)
3. If we are able to have a relationship with new rules, no terrified attachments. If I even know what that would look like...

A few years ago I realized how rage can be used as manipulation. The cycle is that someone – usually dad, but sometimes mom – we fly into a rage. Angry voices, tempers flare in, sometimes things were thrown. Sometimes, those who got in the way were “disciplined”. And then afterwords, everything went back to normal. But it was not normal. It was a new normal.
Actually, I’m moving too fast. Sometimes, there was a slight apology. “Sorry, I probably shouldn’t have raise my voice like that. I hope your feelings weren’t hurt? Here give me a hug…“ Usually, instinctively, we squirmed out of those hugs. We didn’t want it! It felt weird. We wish he would just skip that part.
Then sometimes he would be overly silly, poke me to try to make me laugh so I would stop being mad I never liked that part either. It felt like I wasn’t in control. I hated when he made me laugh, especially when I was trying to be serious, and trying to make my voice heard.
Then, things would be good. There would be no mention of the blowup. There would be no more mention of whatever I had done. Or what anybody had done. We were just avoid those subjects. And everyone would be good and happy. Except, like I said, it was a new kind of normal.
Everyone had been forcefully taught that there were certain things that were off-limits. If you go there, dad will blow up! Or mom will fall apart, or yell, or disappear or whatever. Or there will be consequences that are so far over the top it is ridiculous. And so it was a new normal, but it was a normal with strings attached.
And even now, 15 years after leaving home, the strings are still attached. That is why, when I think about saying "no" to my parents, my stress levels rise to incredible levels. That is why, when they call, my insides shiver. That is why, when I need to communicate with them, it takes a day – or even a week! -- out of my schedule. That is why, when they visit, it takes weeks to prepair, and weeks to recuperate.
And so in answer to the question, “what did I do?“ Well, let’s see…
One. As a child, you discipline me in anger. You also “kept me in line“ with an explosive temper and violent anger. I never knew how far you would go if someone defied you. But I was terrified of how far you would go. It’s still unsettles me.
Two. As a young adult, you yelled at my wife, you yelled at me, and you communicated that I was still "your child," and that the same rules apply even if we were outside the home. We needed to listen to you or else! And I needed to get my wife in line with your rule, too, because that was part of "submission," apparently.
Three. You threaten to disown on me, on numerous occasions, if I would not do as you said I should. You made my sonship conditional on my obedience to you, thereby affectively disowning me.
Four. And now, when certain triggers arise, or when I even think of you, I still have a strong emotional and even physical response. You still have power over me. And you have this power without saying anything, without raising your voice. You don’t have to. You already did – and what happened in the past you are still using today, whether you realize it or not. And likely, you know exactly what you are doing on some level.
 My questions going forward are:
1. How to detach these attachments?
2. How to defend, when (if?) they try to react through angry outbursts (how do I not "freeze"?)
3. If we are able to have a relationship with new rules, no terrified attachments. If I even know what that would look like...

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