A "Cheat-Sheet" of Responses to my Parents (Nov. 17)
Key Principles:
1. These people are my (biological) parents, not my friends2. I am not responsible for their emotions: I never was
3. They have lost all normal rights and privileges through their sins
4. They have shown themselves to be dangerous on every level
5. They have shown themselves to be a very significant threat to myself, my health, and my family
6. I do not need to give them access to:
1. My children
2. My private thoughts
3. My house
4. My possessions
7. If I chose to give them access, it is a pure gift to someone who does not deserve it
Note carefully: Protect your joys and successes, especially those you made without, or in spite of them. They will try to destroy them
Note: What is going on inside of me feels like a huge conflict and crisis: but what I want them to feel is only a slow, cool, calm moving away. I’m not angry and wrathful and vengeful. I am just not really interested in spending time with them. I have other things to do with my time. I am too busy with them. Too busy being healthy, good, and free without them.
What they May Try:
1. Family Crisis:
“We need you for this! You need to fix this! You need us for more information on this!” “You know, x is really not doing well…is no longer a Christian, is divorced, etc…”- “Ok, thank you for telling me.” (then go to the person to communicate in person... likely do nothing, since I am neither the cause, nor the solution of the crisis)
2. Feigned Friendship:
very publicly, “Hello! So good to see you! How are you!?”- (Very cooly and politely) “It was nice to see you. How long are you in town? Ok, we need to go now.”
=
3. Indignation:
“You have taken something from us. Give it back!”- (After a pause) “I’m not really sure what you mean.” // “I don’t see it that way.” // “OK, well, I have to go now. Bye.”
- “Your lost your rights the day you yelled at my pregnant wife, almost causing us to loose our son.”
4. Threatened Abandonment:
“You will not have a father anymore!”- “... and you will not have a son.” // “OK, well I have to go now. Goodbye.”
- “I already lost my father.” (What Do you mean?) “This is not the third time you have threatened to disown me. Unconditional love cannot be used as a bargaining chip. If you ever truly loved me, it is clear you don’t now, and it’s time for me to go. Goodbye.”
5. Guilt:
“Your mother/father is very hurt because of what you’ve done…” or “You don’t care how you make me feel…”- (long pause) “OK, well…(change the subject)” // “Oh really? Why is she feeling that way?” (Because you made her feel like that) “No, I’m over here just living my life. And I don’t believe that I did anything wrong. She feels that way because she chose to. How she feels is not my responsibility. It never was.”
- “No, I don’t care how I made x feel. I didn’t do anything wrong, and I am not responsible for x’s emotions. I never was.”
6. Shame:
“I don’t know what people in our church will think when they hear….”- Implied: You aren’t giving us the relationship that you should be giving us
- People may see this
- People will judge you
- We will make sure we mention this to people, to shame/control you
- Response:
- Take it to Jesus: remind myself that I am doing the right thing
- Remind myself of why I am doing this
- “You go ahead and tell people whatever you think is best. Have a good day.”
7. Faux Reconciliation:
“I am calling to ask if you would like help to reconcile with your parents…”- “Why are you calling? Have they asked you to do so?”
- “I am not aware that a reconciliation is necessary. We have forgiven them for everything they have done against us, and I am not aware of anything we have done against them.” (So why aren’t you spending more time with them?) “That is our personal decision, on how to keep our family safe, based on actions they have done in the past.” (Actions like what?) “I appreciate your wanting to help, but that is really not your business. I this matter to stay between my parents and myself, thank you. Goodbye.” (If they persist, see other answers)
8. Entitlement:
“You owe us this…” (access to kids, access to house, access to money)- (long pause) “No, I don’t see it that way.” (How do you see it then?)
- “Parents have rights. Grandparents have privileges, based on trust. Based on your actions, I just don’t trust you anymore. And so you have lost your privileges.” (What actions?) “I’m not interested in bringing up the past.” (What do you mean? How can you deny me my grandkids and not even tell me why?) “I don’t think I need to explain it to you. My first responsibility is to keep my kids safe, and surround them with safe people. You don’t fit into that. Goodbye.”
9. Spiritual Abuse:
“The Bible says…”- … (long silence)… “Well, I guess I see that passage differently.” (Oh yeah? How?) “I’m not really interested in getting into a debate with you right now.” (or) “Thank you for sharing your point of view. I will consider it. But I will not discuss it further with you right now.”
- “Based on the fruits I have seen in your life, In not really interested in hearing you exegete Scriptures right now” (What do you mean?)
10. Faux Repentance:
(Weeping) “I am so sorry, I just want you back…”- (long pause) “You are making me uncomfortable right now.”
- (I just want you back. I would do anything. How could I have a relationship with you again?) (long pause) “Well, if you’re serious, you could take a lot of counselling to deal with your shit. I’m not promising anything. But that would be something.”
11. Outright Threat:
“You’d better _____ or else! // You haven’t heard the last of this… // You’ll be sorry!”- “I am strong enough to protect my family from you. If you step foot on my property, I am calling the police. You stay the hell away from me and my kids!”
12. Accusation:
“You claim to teach people, but you don’t even respect your own parents!”- “I have my own relationship with God, and I don’t need you to tell me what it means to disobey Him.” // “That’s not how I see it.” // “Someday, you will see how hard I have worked to honour you.”
13. False Prophecy:
“If you reject me, your own children will reject you!”- “I am not perfect, but I am parenting my children very differently than how I was raised. There is little chance of this happening to me. But if they chose to, I will respect their decisions, as mature and independent adults. You cannot control my future children’s actions by trying to make me do something now.”
14. Taking Credit:
“I’m glad you’re standing up to me. This is what I’ve wanted you to do all along.”- “I don’t believe that is true. I have become strong apart from you, not because of you. Goodbye.”
Some Questions:
1. “Why did you block me on facebook, delete comments on blog…?”
- (Simple) “I just want a bit of space right now.”- (Curt) “Because I felt like it.”
- (Poetic/Prosaic) “Remember when I left home, you said you wanted to give me wings and roots? Well, maybe right now I just want to see how far I can fly without being held down by my past.” (Yes, but without roots, you may get lost…) “Right now, that’s my risk to take. I hope you can be happy for me, on the journey. Goodbye.”
What is True:
1. My dad has an unsafe level of explosive rage2. My mom is envious, and sabotaging of her children, and everyone else
3. My dad publicly yelled at my wife, when she was pregnant, causing her to shake, and have Braxton hicks, which we seriously feared could turn into premature labour
4. My dad broke his word, and ruined the only family reunion Grandma would ever have: they did not even pay their portion of the event, forcing others to clean up after them -- literally and metaphorically
5. They have sent many very hurtful e-mails
6. They have made many very hurtful phone calls
7. Twice, my dad threatened to disown me if I would not submit to his will (over relatively trivial matters…it was about control)
8. My forced my wife to repent of “abuse,” in the very event when he yelled at her, almost causing early labour. He threatened to disown me if she did not.
9. They were intimately involved in the destruction of my older brother's marriage
10. They were involved in the church split at my childhood church, and many other church-related conflicts
11. My dad disciplined from rage, causing deep hurts in myself and my brothers
12. My dad has exploded in rage on many people, including teens on our youth retreats, pastors during their sermons, many of his bosses, and random people around town
13. They mistreated my adoptive sister sufficiently for myself to be very troubled at her treatment, and for her to eventually run away
14. My dad was fired or quit from nearly every job he ever had, due to his explosive temper and other issues
15. One of his former employers pursued him with lawsuits for years afterwards (I am not sure of the details)
16. My mom has had extreme difficulty in maintaining relationships with women, likely due to her past issues, and her envy
17. My mom has been the enemy of my growth from the start: she caused my most severe problems, and opposed any growth which was not directly from herself
18. They chronically mishandled their finances, and spoke often of it to their children, causing myself to feel shame and a pressure to fix the situation, for example by not asking for toys or by helping them learn how to budget
19. My mom caused my sex drive to be awakened prematurely — entering me into a world of hurt — by confiding in myself, and asking (sometimes demanding) emotional comfort, hugs and loving words, and the like in inappropriate ways (this is called "emotional incest")
20. They control through shame. Making me feel gross, sinful, and inadequate, and then using that shame as a means of control. The message is, “You are not competent enough to make decisions on your own. You need us. And you might lose us! So you’d better hurry up and chase after us, before we walk away from you forever.”
Comments
Post a Comment