A Run: Forgiving my Father (again...) Nov. 8
Today in counselling, I opened up about my parents issues, especially my fathers rage. I talked some about my childhood and being raised with anger as a tool for discipline. But far more difficult we’re the times as an adult when he would not let me have my own suave and my own ideas, but yelled at me, yelled at my wife, accused us, called us ungodly and even threatened to disown me on more than one occasion, simply for holding a different adult position than himself, or for putting up some boundaries.
The session was one hour long, and the words fell thick and wet for an hour and five minutes. Then the counsellor looked at the clock, apologized, and told us we would pick it up tomorrow.
I left wrecked emotionally. I leaned on my wife and sobbed quietly in the hall.
“Can you pick up the kids? I’d like to go for a run.”
“Go! I love you!”
I got my shoes and ear buds, and was soon on the trail. I was intending to listen to a podcast, but that app was frozen, so I listened to Lauren Daigle instead.
I began running faster and faster...far faster than my normal pace. I wanted to get as far away from people as I could.
*song “still rolling stones**
I would settle down to a regular tempo, then sprint for a while in anger. I began yelling as I ran. I ran until I had a cramp in my side. I burped up vomit and swallowed it down.
** song losing my religion**
“Trying to keep my conscience clear..it all seems so insincere...Id leave it all to meet you here...losing my religion...”
One of the lyrics sparked my anger. “This is because of you! This is your baggage I am dealing with!“ i yelled. Why hadn’t they dealt with it themselves, all those years ago? When my mom had visited the counselor before any of us had been born, but never went back. All those chances to get mentoring. All those chances to get well. All those morning devotions, all those moments with an open bible on their laps. Now I have to deal with it!!
 as I ran, I decided I would not make them pay. In my hand I held a ball of fire. I slammed it into my chest. I said, “I will not make you pay. I will pay the emotional pain and consequences of your actions.”
I ran a few paces, then staggered, then collapse in a heap. I sobbed so hard that there was a puddle of saliva and tears and snot on the leaves under me. I sobbed and sobbed.
My mind went through my grandfather, all my dad’s issues… My grandfather, the war, the alcohol, abuse, my grandmother, my mom, my aunt, everything they had done to that little boy. All of it. Just all of it. And I wept for the childhood I should have had.
*song “look up child”**
The father said to me, “is it is enough.“ I could feel the lightness, and felt ready to go. And then a new wave of sadness hit me. I began to ball again. “These are my parents! I am losing my parents! My children are losing their grandparents! I might never see them again!“ I sobbed all over again. It was a different sobbing. Less deep. Less like a child. But still weighty.
*song, “rescue”**
The song begins, “you are not hidden, you are not forgotten…“
The father reminded me that my new name is Ishmael Barjona. My father is Jonah, the bitter angry prophet. (“Bar” means “son of”) Waiting on the fringes of society for a fire that will never fall on the hated city. My name is Ishmael. “God sees him“
Because one day God saw a rejected son dying in the desert, and sent him a spring of water to save him. And God sees me too.
The chorus of the song says, “I will send out an army to find you. I will send an army!“
I began praying, “I need an army! If I no longer have a family and parents. Send an army!“
The father told me a joke. He said, “you want an army? How about I send you my son?“
It was funny. I know it doesn’t sound like it, but I began to laugh. An army? I was getting God on my side!! How’s that for an army! But at the same time, I was thinking of the Church family that would be around me. And mentors and friends.
** song “turn your eyes upon jesus**
The intro to the song began to play, and I got up feeling lighter. I began to stagger home, then walk, then run.
“Turn your eyes upon Jesus...look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace...”
I began to pick up speed, and did some fist pumps. I was feeling strong and light.
** song “this girl ain’t goin anywhere**
I finished my run with the song above. No, I’m not going anywhere. I am just getting started! God is good. And I feel a lot lighter.

The session was one hour long, and the words fell thick and wet for an hour and five minutes. Then the counsellor looked at the clock, apologized, and told us we would pick it up tomorrow.
I left wrecked emotionally. I leaned on my wife and sobbed quietly in the hall.
“Can you pick up the kids? I’d like to go for a run.”
“Go! I love you!”
I got my shoes and ear buds, and was soon on the trail. I was intending to listen to a podcast, but that app was frozen, so I listened to Lauren Daigle instead.
I began running faster and faster...far faster than my normal pace. I wanted to get as far away from people as I could.
*song “still rolling stones**
I would settle down to a regular tempo, then sprint for a while in anger. I began yelling as I ran. I ran until I had a cramp in my side. I burped up vomit and swallowed it down.
** song losing my religion**
“Trying to keep my conscience clear..it all seems so insincere...Id leave it all to meet you here...losing my religion...”
One of the lyrics sparked my anger. “This is because of you! This is your baggage I am dealing with!“ i yelled. Why hadn’t they dealt with it themselves, all those years ago? When my mom had visited the counselor before any of us had been born, but never went back. All those chances to get mentoring. All those chances to get well. All those morning devotions, all those moments with an open bible on their laps. Now I have to deal with it!!
 as I ran, I decided I would not make them pay. In my hand I held a ball of fire. I slammed it into my chest. I said, “I will not make you pay. I will pay the emotional pain and consequences of your actions.”
I ran a few paces, then staggered, then collapse in a heap. I sobbed so hard that there was a puddle of saliva and tears and snot on the leaves under me. I sobbed and sobbed.
My mind went through my grandfather, all my dad’s issues… My grandfather, the war, the alcohol, abuse, my grandmother, my mom, my aunt, everything they had done to that little boy. All of it. Just all of it. And I wept for the childhood I should have had.
*song “look up child”**
The father said to me, “is it is enough.“ I could feel the lightness, and felt ready to go. And then a new wave of sadness hit me. I began to ball again. “These are my parents! I am losing my parents! My children are losing their grandparents! I might never see them again!“ I sobbed all over again. It was a different sobbing. Less deep. Less like a child. But still weighty.
*song, “rescue”**
The song begins, “you are not hidden, you are not forgotten…“
The father reminded me that my new name is Ishmael Barjona. My father is Jonah, the bitter angry prophet. (“Bar” means “son of”) Waiting on the fringes of society for a fire that will never fall on the hated city. My name is Ishmael. “God sees him“
Because one day God saw a rejected son dying in the desert, and sent him a spring of water to save him. And God sees me too.
The chorus of the song says, “I will send out an army to find you. I will send an army!“
I began praying, “I need an army! If I no longer have a family and parents. Send an army!“
The father told me a joke. He said, “you want an army? How about I send you my son?“
It was funny. I know it doesn’t sound like it, but I began to laugh. An army? I was getting God on my side!! How’s that for an army! But at the same time, I was thinking of the Church family that would be around me. And mentors and friends.
** song “turn your eyes upon jesus**
The intro to the song began to play, and I got up feeling lighter. I began to stagger home, then walk, then run.
“Turn your eyes upon Jesus...look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace...”
I began to pick up speed, and did some fist pumps. I was feeling strong and light.
** song “this girl ain’t goin anywhere**
I finished my run with the song above. No, I’m not going anywhere. I am just getting started! God is good. And I feel a lot lighter.

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