Detached Contact? Some thoughts... (Nov. 13)
Parents
Note: what has happened in me has been huge. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I need to have a huge confrontation with them. A better approach may be a quiet but firm shift. Let them initiate a conflict later if they want: then it is on them, not on me.
Scenario One: detached contact
* they are my parents, not my friends. They will not be the friends of my children.
* I will research techniques (eg. Social workers) for keeping myself safe, avoiding sharing personal details
- I will unfollow (and block?) them on Facebook
- They will never be alone with my children
- We may visit them occasionally (once every two years?) in a controlled environment, such as a restaurant (everyone is sitting and their hands are occupied in a restaurant. I can keep track of them there..) I may visit them with only one child at a time
- They may send Christmas and birthday gifts, but we will remove all personal messages. We will not send them pictures of the kids opening the gifts.
- All other gifts will be trashed, regifted, or given to them as though from us
- I will explain to my children, in age appropriate ways, that grandma and grandpa are “not safe people” (they are “bad apples” from barestain bears...I could remember good times in stories, while also speaking to older kids about the bad times, in sensitive ways. I could mention, more specifically, the reality of pedophelia, and the possibility that they have that proclivity) [note to readers: I have no actual evidence of this...just a gut feeling. Enough to be very uneasy with them around my kids. Not enough to accuse them. I feel bad putting it in this blog. But this is an anonymous blog about a real journey. And this is really part of the journey, and do I am leaving it in]
- If they ever try to contact my children directly (via social media, driving by the house) I will train children to inform me immediately: they will instantly lose all privileges, we may involve the police
- I will not send them pictures regularly (Facebook updates, little bits of news, etc) but I may give them yearly pictures of the kids for their wall. I could print them for them, and make sure that their mother was in the picture with them. (It would be nice to take mother-child shots...also, it would be a constant reminder to them that they cannot bypass my wife to get to my children. It amuses me to think they would have five pictures of my wife smiling down on them every day of their lives...)
- I may speak with them on the phone occasionally, no more than once per month. More likely once every two months.
- I will not share any personal details about myself, my wife, our plans, or our kids.
- I will likely ask them about their lives, and be generally pleasant.
- I will come prepared with a list of general information that I don’t mind “the world” knowing, and that they could find out from anyone. (My job, ages of kids, maybe major events of kids, such as “x is starting y grade, won z award, etc” again...info that is public knowledge)
- I will come prepared with an “exit phrase” — which could be as simple as “well, I’ve got to go!” I will have a maximum time for the call (which I will decide, but not tell them..somewhere around 20 minutes) I will end the call sooner if they “misbehave”
- I will generally give them the “white glove treatment.” I will treat them so cordially that they have nothing to complain about, but will keep my “gloves on” so that none of my life transfers to them. I will treat them like polite strangers. (This treatment will be like slow torture to them because 1. it is the opposite of our family culture, and 2. It will give them no power over us. HOWEVER, I am not doing it to harm them, but simply because it is the healthy thing to do, and because I need to protect my family from them) If they object to this treatment, I could politely feign surprise, fall silent, or simply end the call. If they write an angry letter demanding more... they would only make themselves seem foolish. “What more do you want?” “I want you to share your heart!” Clearly, that is not a valid request. A heart can’t be demanded. And I would already be sharing genetic information, so they couldn’t complain on that front either.)
- I could take training on how to be a social worker/counsellor/public school teacher, etc., and maintain boundaries. How does one be pleasant with people, while not sharing one’s information or being vulnerable? I will research this question and seek resources
...other options...
No contact, no announcement
- I could simply stop answering any phone calls, messages, etc.
- A downside is that they would perceive it (or pretend to perceive it) as an emergency “what is wrong?” They may even take time off work to drive out to see us, or send friends over to ask us if we are ok. A potential way to avoid this would be a letter or call, explaining that we don’t want any contact
No contact, with an announcement
- I could decide to do no contact, but with a call or letter
- The problems with this are:
- The letter/call itself would be very time consuming and demanding. It may be traumatizing to myself
- It may cause a « flash point » in our relationship
- It would make the break “my fault”
- They would have a letter (or a photographic memory of my phone call) to analyze, for any missteps, weaknesses, or mistakes
- It may bump them into “Warrior mode,” where their entire energy would become directed towards myself, as and trying to regain contact, or else destroy what they can’t have. Ways they could hurt me include:
- Biting emails (which I would keep as evidence against them)
- Drives to our home (I would tell them to leave. I may uniform up call the police)
- Attempts to spread rumours about us in our communities, and mutual friends. (fortunately, they don’t have many friends in our community: most of our close friends know their true nature)
- Attempts to contact potential churches, to say, “This man is unfit for ministry, because his family relations (aka parents) are not healthy (1 Timothy 2... I’m just making this up... but could see him doing something like this...)
- Other attempts to control through spiritual abuse, such as misquoted scriptures, which can be very difficult for me to deal with
- Starved for information and contact, they may resort to...
- Pumping friends and acquaintances for information
- Using blogs, social media to get information (commenting on blog posts about theology/spiritual matters with, “how are my grandkids? Talk to me!!” Or something like that)
- Creating a dummy account, “hacking” my Facebook by posing as a different person. (I’m not sure they would think of this, but they may…)
- Attending the church where I am preaching, because I can’t avoid them there, to try to initiate a conflict
- They may try legal means to win visitation rights (this seems unlikely to win, especially since we are united as a couple. But it could cause us a lot of stress. If he were to attempt this, I would bring up every dirty secret from my childhood, “I don’t want this man around my kids, because he beat us as children, and yelled at us.” I think that would both win the case, and shame him into silence. Actually, even knowing I am capable of this would probably keep him from trying.)
- I may feel bad, or uncertain, or not 100% committed to fully detached contact. If I feel uncertain, or if I do the slightest gesture (I recently “liked” a comment that my mom had made on a status update about mission, and it communicated hugely to her) then it would seem to invalidate all that I had done. They would see me as a little child that makes big statements, but is not able to follow through.
- ...in general, fully cutting off contact may end up with more of them in my life (and a far worse side of them) than detached contact. However, I can always know that I COULD resort to this. Especially if they break the rules of detached contact, I may resort to fully detached temporarily or permanently.
Note: they have not yet done these things, and so I do not need to feel bitter against them for them. However, they are the sorts of people that could do these things, and I need to remember that and act accordingly
Further Questions
- How to navigate social media
- How to navigate podcast, blog, future books
- How to share personal info (to the public/them)
- ...do I just share minimally? Not necessarily bad, but I enjoy sharing myself.
- ...do I end up thinking about my mom every time I do a sermon illustration?
- How to deal with family “secrets,” when their sins are the places of my greatest growth/contribution to the world. (Eg. I want to write books about spiritual growth through trauma and abuse...but that is falling them abusers. How can I navigate that?)
Note: what has happened in me has been huge. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I need to have a huge confrontation with them. A better approach may be a quiet but firm shift. Let them initiate a conflict later if they want: then it is on them, not on me.
Scenario One: detached contact
* they are my parents, not my friends. They will not be the friends of my children.
* I will research techniques (eg. Social workers) for keeping myself safe, avoiding sharing personal details
- I will unfollow (and block?) them on Facebook
- They will never be alone with my children
- We may visit them occasionally (once every two years?) in a controlled environment, such as a restaurant (everyone is sitting and their hands are occupied in a restaurant. I can keep track of them there..) I may visit them with only one child at a time
- They may send Christmas and birthday gifts, but we will remove all personal messages. We will not send them pictures of the kids opening the gifts.
- All other gifts will be trashed, regifted, or given to them as though from us
- I will explain to my children, in age appropriate ways, that grandma and grandpa are “not safe people” (they are “bad apples” from barestain bears...I could remember good times in stories, while also speaking to older kids about the bad times, in sensitive ways. I could mention, more specifically, the reality of pedophelia, and the possibility that they have that proclivity) [note to readers: I have no actual evidence of this...just a gut feeling. Enough to be very uneasy with them around my kids. Not enough to accuse them. I feel bad putting it in this blog. But this is an anonymous blog about a real journey. And this is really part of the journey, and do I am leaving it in]
- If they ever try to contact my children directly (via social media, driving by the house) I will train children to inform me immediately: they will instantly lose all privileges, we may involve the police
- I will not send them pictures regularly (Facebook updates, little bits of news, etc) but I may give them yearly pictures of the kids for their wall. I could print them for them, and make sure that their mother was in the picture with them. (It would be nice to take mother-child shots...also, it would be a constant reminder to them that they cannot bypass my wife to get to my children. It amuses me to think they would have five pictures of my wife smiling down on them every day of their lives...)
- I may speak with them on the phone occasionally, no more than once per month. More likely once every two months.
- I will not share any personal details about myself, my wife, our plans, or our kids.
- I will likely ask them about their lives, and be generally pleasant.
- I will come prepared with a list of general information that I don’t mind “the world” knowing, and that they could find out from anyone. (My job, ages of kids, maybe major events of kids, such as “x is starting y grade, won z award, etc” again...info that is public knowledge)
- I will come prepared with an “exit phrase” — which could be as simple as “well, I’ve got to go!” I will have a maximum time for the call (which I will decide, but not tell them..somewhere around 20 minutes) I will end the call sooner if they “misbehave”
- I will generally give them the “white glove treatment.” I will treat them so cordially that they have nothing to complain about, but will keep my “gloves on” so that none of my life transfers to them. I will treat them like polite strangers. (This treatment will be like slow torture to them because 1. it is the opposite of our family culture, and 2. It will give them no power over us. HOWEVER, I am not doing it to harm them, but simply because it is the healthy thing to do, and because I need to protect my family from them) If they object to this treatment, I could politely feign surprise, fall silent, or simply end the call. If they write an angry letter demanding more... they would only make themselves seem foolish. “What more do you want?” “I want you to share your heart!” Clearly, that is not a valid request. A heart can’t be demanded. And I would already be sharing genetic information, so they couldn’t complain on that front either.)
- I could take training on how to be a social worker/counsellor/public school teacher, etc., and maintain boundaries. How does one be pleasant with people, while not sharing one’s information or being vulnerable? I will research this question and seek resources
...other options...
No contact, no announcement
- I could simply stop answering any phone calls, messages, etc.
- A downside is that they would perceive it (or pretend to perceive it) as an emergency “what is wrong?” They may even take time off work to drive out to see us, or send friends over to ask us if we are ok. A potential way to avoid this would be a letter or call, explaining that we don’t want any contact
No contact, with an announcement
- I could decide to do no contact, but with a call or letter
- The problems with this are:
- The letter/call itself would be very time consuming and demanding. It may be traumatizing to myself
- It may cause a « flash point » in our relationship
- It would make the break “my fault”
- They would have a letter (or a photographic memory of my phone call) to analyze, for any missteps, weaknesses, or mistakes
- It may bump them into “Warrior mode,” where their entire energy would become directed towards myself, as and trying to regain contact, or else destroy what they can’t have. Ways they could hurt me include:
- Biting emails (which I would keep as evidence against them)
- Drives to our home (I would tell them to leave. I may uniform up call the police)
- Attempts to spread rumours about us in our communities, and mutual friends. (fortunately, they don’t have many friends in our community: most of our close friends know their true nature)
- Attempts to contact potential churches, to say, “This man is unfit for ministry, because his family relations (aka parents) are not healthy (1 Timothy 2... I’m just making this up... but could see him doing something like this...)
- Other attempts to control through spiritual abuse, such as misquoted scriptures, which can be very difficult for me to deal with
- Starved for information and contact, they may resort to...
- Pumping friends and acquaintances for information
- Using blogs, social media to get information (commenting on blog posts about theology/spiritual matters with, “how are my grandkids? Talk to me!!” Or something like that)
- Creating a dummy account, “hacking” my Facebook by posing as a different person. (I’m not sure they would think of this, but they may…)
- Attending the church where I am preaching, because I can’t avoid them there, to try to initiate a conflict
- They may try legal means to win visitation rights (this seems unlikely to win, especially since we are united as a couple. But it could cause us a lot of stress. If he were to attempt this, I would bring up every dirty secret from my childhood, “I don’t want this man around my kids, because he beat us as children, and yelled at us.” I think that would both win the case, and shame him into silence. Actually, even knowing I am capable of this would probably keep him from trying.)
- I may feel bad, or uncertain, or not 100% committed to fully detached contact. If I feel uncertain, or if I do the slightest gesture (I recently “liked” a comment that my mom had made on a status update about mission, and it communicated hugely to her) then it would seem to invalidate all that I had done. They would see me as a little child that makes big statements, but is not able to follow through.
- ...in general, fully cutting off contact may end up with more of them in my life (and a far worse side of them) than detached contact. However, I can always know that I COULD resort to this. Especially if they break the rules of detached contact, I may resort to fully detached temporarily or permanently.
Note: they have not yet done these things, and so I do not need to feel bitter against them for them. However, they are the sorts of people that could do these things, and I need to remember that and act accordingly
Further Questions
- How to navigate social media
- How to navigate podcast, blog, future books
- How to share personal info (to the public/them)
- ...do I just share minimally? Not necessarily bad, but I enjoy sharing myself.
- ...do I end up thinking about my mom every time I do a sermon illustration?
- How to deal with family “secrets,” when their sins are the places of my greatest growth/contribution to the world. (Eg. I want to write books about spiritual growth through trauma and abuse...but that is falling them abusers. How can I navigate that?)
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