Sharing my testimony, in group therapy (Nov. 7)
[Note: In November, my family went to a retreat centre where counselling and group therapy were offered, with a special emphasis on ministry families. The following is a synopsis of the time that I gave my testimony in group therapy]
I shared my testimony, which focused mostly on our time in Africa as missionaries, and the tragedy of loosing a dream, since we had to return home after only seven months overseas.
I had mentioned that in going, I had written in my journal “God, I want to be a martyr for you…but I don’t want my family to suffer.”
Afterwards, the comments were:
“I see that you have a lot of strings in a lot of directions, especially as a dad. I see that you are trying very hard to care for everyone, and I feel for that.”
“I validate the struggle to want to give big for God, but not wanting to make your family suffer.”
“I felt that when you talked about wanting to die as a martyr, that may have spoken of worth. That you didn’t value yourself much. And then God called you back, and told you that family was more important.”
“I would say…from a line from a musical, ‘Dying is easy, son. Living — that’s the hard part.’ “
“I feel for you, in that you had the death of a dream.” When she said that, my head dropped very suddenly and unintentionally, and I wept.
“I see that you have this tension, because you know a lot of truth, and want to share it…and yet you are also a very sensitive person, your body is communicating to you, and you are…it seems you are trying to hold these two together.”
“…(a second person said)…and I cannot think of a better description of a pastor.” I said thank you, and felt like this was the kindest thing that anyone had said to me yet.
….in walking back from this session, I thought about how God actually had answered my prayer. I had not died. But, I had experienced a death. My missionary identity had died. And oh, what a hole he left behind! I was allowed to sacrifice for God, and feel the deep grief of loss. Not the loss I expected, but I was counted worthy to suffer. That is meaningful to me.
Sharing my Testimony
I shared my testimony, which focused mostly on our time in Africa as missionaries, and the tragedy of loosing a dream, since we had to return home after only seven months overseas.
I had mentioned that in going, I had written in my journal “God, I want to be a martyr for you…but I don’t want my family to suffer.”
Afterwards, the comments were:
“I see that you have a lot of strings in a lot of directions, especially as a dad. I see that you are trying very hard to care for everyone, and I feel for that.”
“I validate the struggle to want to give big for God, but not wanting to make your family suffer.”
“I felt that when you talked about wanting to die as a martyr, that may have spoken of worth. That you didn’t value yourself much. And then God called you back, and told you that family was more important.”
“I would say…from a line from a musical, ‘Dying is easy, son. Living — that’s the hard part.’ “
“I feel for you, in that you had the death of a dream.” When she said that, my head dropped very suddenly and unintentionally, and I wept.
“I see that you have this tension, because you know a lot of truth, and want to share it…and yet you are also a very sensitive person, your body is communicating to you, and you are…it seems you are trying to hold these two together.”
“…(a second person said)…and I cannot think of a better description of a pastor.” I said thank you, and felt like this was the kindest thing that anyone had said to me yet.
….in walking back from this session, I thought about how God actually had answered my prayer. I had not died. But, I had experienced a death. My missionary identity had died. And oh, what a hole he left behind! I was allowed to sacrifice for God, and feel the deep grief of loss. Not the loss I expected, but I was counted worthy to suffer. That is meaningful to me.
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