A new counsellor
I was skeptical at first. She introduced herself as being feminist in training, as not placing much stock in the DSM-5 definitions, such as narcissism and psychopathy, and that she saw most things through the filter of abuses of power.
I let her know that in another context, we could probably have a long discussion about these issues. I was troubled that she did not believe that narcissism was a useful category: but understood what she meant, in saying that a person was more than a label. I determined to give her a solid try, and was glad that we were able to get most of our cards on the table within the first ten minutes of our call.
I identified my core issues as:
- Raised by narcissists: very religious, very needy, very self-centred
- Dad: violent temper, survived by reading his mind. Psychopath, didn’t care about my emotions.
- Mom: very needy and clingy, hypochondria, emotional incest.
- As teen, adult: very controlling, continued to spank. Resorted to rage to control as an adult. Survived by reading his emotions, apologizing even when it wasn’t my fault, trying to keep peace between parents and wife
Ongoing issues:
- Need to separate, for children and self, but
- How to do so?
- Legal ramifications, or other ramifications
- Ongoing triggers
- Remember happy times (am I imagining everything? being unreasonable?)
- They had a happy face and a bad face: when people remember the good times, triggers me
- Religious questions (more for myself to figure out)
- Have I seen God completely wrong?
- Do I even want to be in ministry?
- Am I allowed to call people evil, and separate from them?
She recommended the books:
- Allice Miller: “For your own good” (book on controlled children)
- “Keeping the faith: guidance for Christian women facing abuse” Marie Fortune
She affirmed my decision to go no contact.
"Stop pulling on the rope: see what happens," she said. I cannot be responsible to keep pulling people along that don't want to change.
"For me, therapy is about self-empowerment," she said. She told me that she saw my case in very much the same light as a battered/abused wife. The essential question here is "how do we end the abuse?"
She said that many, many abused women struggle with exactly the same emotions that I am describing. She recommended writing a sheet of why I was chasing to leave, so that I can refer to it when I have a trigger, or am wrestling with thoughts of reconsidering no contact.
My therapy session started a bit tensely, but I was very encouraged by the end. I think that this counsellor will be able to help me in some significant areas.
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