Demanding "Fuel" (Dec. 10)
In his book, "Fuel," H.G. Tudor asks, "What is it that a narcissist really wants? They want fuel..." Fuel is defined as emotional energy, be that negative or positive, that makes them feel affirmed or in control, and helps distract them from the gnawing self-hatred that they keep locked away inside.
“If this fuel is not provided voluntarily then we will demand it and force it from those around us.”
— Fuel : What Makes the Narcissist Function? by H G Tudor
http://a.co/7rroWR0
- One time, my mother reproved me (with much “hurt” in her voice) for not saying “I love you,” before going to school. I objected that it was morning, it was cold and dark, I was tired, and it wasn’t personal (something like that). (I was probably thinking more about school than about my mom, dropping me off.) “Yes, but I said It love you,’ and you just slammed the door in my face!” I had not “slammed it in her face.” She said “I love you” as I was exiting the car. I grunted or nodded (or did nothing) in response, and left. If the correction had been, “you should respond when people talk to you,” the correction would have been valid. But you should not ask a pre-teen to tell you they love you. If it comes naturally, great! If not, that’s their choice. It is an invasion of boundaries to demand someone feel something, and say they feel something. So why did I not feel like saying “I love you,” in reply? Perhaps, on some level, I knew that “I love you,” really meant, “I want you to tell me that you love me,” and I was having none of it. Maybe I did slam the door “in her face” — and maybe that was the healthiest thing to do, under the circumstances. But her words still sunk deep (laced with shame) and have followed me to this day. I was not wrong to refuse your request. I did not feel love for you then, and I don’t especially feel it now. I will not allow you to make me feel guilt over not feeling love, or declaring my love for you.
- This reminds me of another memory. It has been trying to come to the surface, but I have been pushing it down, saying, “no, that was not unhealthy. I deserved to get disciplined there.” It was, I think, the last time I was spanked. I do not remember the crime, or the punishment. Apparently, I was having a conflict with mom, as a young teen. I can’t imagine over what: I wasn’t the rebellious sort. I have tried very hard to remember. I think I may have been (more or less) telling her to leave me alone, and stop messing with my stuff, or my life or something of that nature. The situation escalated, and I ended up yelling “I hate you.” I don’t really remember the event. I know I was later spanked for it, although I think my dad only did a very small one. What I mostly remember (I remember this very clearly) was driving in the truck afterwards with mom. She was commenting on how she felt bad about the discipline, I had said I was sorry (I think I had...I was probably forced to) ... and she said, “well, you’re too old to be spanked, but that was really over the top. Telling your mother that you hate her. That was really, really bad...” Now, I agree that it would be very troubling to have a teen say that. But...I think this is really true...I did hate her right then. That was the honest truth I had screamed. But I was shamed for speaking the truth. The reason for my hatred (my mother’s meddling and overprotection) were never addressed. Rather, I was taught that speaking this particular truth was the “unforgivable sin.” A sin so bad it could bring the dark spectre of corporal punishment all the way into adolescence. How much do I struggle with that now? Usually, when we are done talking, she says, “I love you,” and I obediently say, “I love you too.” Do I love her? Havei ever loved her? I think I may have loved her on some level. Maybe I still do. But it’s so hard to see past the neediness and the control, I don’t know what I feel. What would happen if I did not respond with “I love you” after a phone call? Recreate what happened in the van sooo long ago. She would notice. She would be “hurt.” She would be mad, demand I apologize. Rather, she would seek to find a way to shame me into apologizing and telling her I loved her. What if I ever did the unthinkable. “I love you.” “Yeah, I get that. I am your son. But we’ve just grown apart over the years. Honestly, I can’t say the feelings mutual. “ wow, they would flip. But would it sever the ties? If I really meant it? And said it stone cold serious? Would that be a huge step forward for me? One thing is for sure: I’m never saying “I love you” out of compulsion again..
“If this fuel is not provided voluntarily then we will demand it and force it from those around us.”
— Fuel : What Makes the Narcissist Function? by H G Tudor
http://a.co/7rroWR0
Ways my parents demand praise:
- Ask for my opinion (on a Bible study, book, etc). If the feedback is NOT glowing, will react with “hurt.” Often, will never continue working on that thing. (Eg. my brother stopped music, dad stopped bible studies)- One time, my mother reproved me (with much “hurt” in her voice) for not saying “I love you,” before going to school. I objected that it was morning, it was cold and dark, I was tired, and it wasn’t personal (something like that). (I was probably thinking more about school than about my mom, dropping me off.) “Yes, but I said It love you,’ and you just slammed the door in my face!” I had not “slammed it in her face.” She said “I love you” as I was exiting the car. I grunted or nodded (or did nothing) in response, and left. If the correction had been, “you should respond when people talk to you,” the correction would have been valid. But you should not ask a pre-teen to tell you they love you. If it comes naturally, great! If not, that’s their choice. It is an invasion of boundaries to demand someone feel something, and say they feel something. So why did I not feel like saying “I love you,” in reply? Perhaps, on some level, I knew that “I love you,” really meant, “I want you to tell me that you love me,” and I was having none of it. Maybe I did slam the door “in her face” — and maybe that was the healthiest thing to do, under the circumstances. But her words still sunk deep (laced with shame) and have followed me to this day. I was not wrong to refuse your request. I did not feel love for you then, and I don’t especially feel it now. I will not allow you to make me feel guilt over not feeling love, or declaring my love for you.
- This reminds me of another memory. It has been trying to come to the surface, but I have been pushing it down, saying, “no, that was not unhealthy. I deserved to get disciplined there.” It was, I think, the last time I was spanked. I do not remember the crime, or the punishment. Apparently, I was having a conflict with mom, as a young teen. I can’t imagine over what: I wasn’t the rebellious sort. I have tried very hard to remember. I think I may have been (more or less) telling her to leave me alone, and stop messing with my stuff, or my life or something of that nature. The situation escalated, and I ended up yelling “I hate you.” I don’t really remember the event. I know I was later spanked for it, although I think my dad only did a very small one. What I mostly remember (I remember this very clearly) was driving in the truck afterwards with mom. She was commenting on how she felt bad about the discipline, I had said I was sorry (I think I had...I was probably forced to) ... and she said, “well, you’re too old to be spanked, but that was really over the top. Telling your mother that you hate her. That was really, really bad...” Now, I agree that it would be very troubling to have a teen say that. But...I think this is really true...I did hate her right then. That was the honest truth I had screamed. But I was shamed for speaking the truth. The reason for my hatred (my mother’s meddling and overprotection) were never addressed. Rather, I was taught that speaking this particular truth was the “unforgivable sin.” A sin so bad it could bring the dark spectre of corporal punishment all the way into adolescence. How much do I struggle with that now? Usually, when we are done talking, she says, “I love you,” and I obediently say, “I love you too.” Do I love her? Havei ever loved her? I think I may have loved her on some level. Maybe I still do. But it’s so hard to see past the neediness and the control, I don’t know what I feel. What would happen if I did not respond with “I love you” after a phone call? Recreate what happened in the van sooo long ago. She would notice. She would be “hurt.” She would be mad, demand I apologize. Rather, she would seek to find a way to shame me into apologizing and telling her I loved her. What if I ever did the unthinkable. “I love you.” “Yeah, I get that. I am your son. But we’ve just grown apart over the years. Honestly, I can’t say the feelings mutual. “ wow, they would flip. But would it sever the ties? If I really meant it? And said it stone cold serious? Would that be a huge step forward for me? One thing is for sure: I’m never saying “I love you” out of compulsion again..
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