My Mother's Reply (E-mail)
Ishmael, it is morally and biblically wrong and even illegal what you are doing (“In no case may the father or mother, without a grave reason, interfere with personal relations between the child and his grandparents.” - law [from our previous place of residence]. )
In Psalms and in Deuteronomy, we are commanded by God to teach our children and their children after them.
If you believe us guilty of some heinous crime and can offer proof that your children would be unsafe with us, then we have a right to know what we are being accused of.
I have tried to hang onto some semblance of hope throughout these past months. And it is certainly my love for you that has caused me to "always protect, always trust, always hope, and always persevere." (I Corinthians 13)
I have been gradually becoming aware in the past year or so that my love is not reciprocated.
And my mind often reels off to various possible scenarios to explain in some way how this could have happened. Something (or many things) I did in your childhood? But when I asked you (as I asked your brothers) if there was anything in your childhood that I had done or that we needed to talk about, you said (in what I perceived to be a peaceful and even cheerful voice) that "anything you did right, I am grateful for, and anything you did wrong, I have forgiven." Is this blanket statement no longer true?
Again, we do have a right to know of what we are being accused.
I imagine many things (since I have NO information whatsoever!). I think maybe you are following the pattern we set of not letting my mom babysit you kids when you were young - but she ordered your younger brother to stay at the table and eat his vomit when he threw up his food. Your older brother was only 5 but he ran all the way to our house to get us.
Perhaps you feel it is okay for family not to see each other because we are not communicating with dad's brother. But it is he who does not want to talk to us. We used to always go to visit them when we were in the same city, and I would try to ignore the feeling that we were unwelcome. Finally dad realized that all of the phone calls, letters, emails, etc. were one-sided. There was just nothing there. And your uncle went through a lot in prison so I can accept that he has difficulty with personal relationships. I saw them in the grocery store once and babbled on like a fool while they smiled but remained monosyllabic. That finally convinced me that they were not interested in a relationship with their sister-in-law. Of course through all this, dad and I examined ourselves for any wrong we had done or were doing. Fortunately, we have many friends and family members with whom we do enjoy good healthy relations.
It took us a long while to tell our closest friends and family that you were distancing yourself (and your family) from us. Love is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs and always protects, hopes, trusts and perseveres.
I cannot stop loving you and your family. I will not harden my heart toward you.
I wonder what we will do if we meet in a grocery store. Will you grab your children and run away from us, leaving an indelible memory for them to ponder in their life's journey? Or will you explain who the horrible monsters are that you are running from?
And how long is this to last? You say "for this time." But aberrant behaviours have a way of becoming habits.
And still you have given us absolutely no clue at all as to the reason for you denying us access to our grandchildren.
I think perhaps you have difficulty talking about difficult subjects. I remember your fingers in the ears response to me trying to explain why your adoptive sister was no longer with us. I should have just told you that she left to go back home to her aunt. I (wrongly) thought you were old enough for me to share some of the heartache and pain I had gone through. I should not have unloaded on you but it was all very fresh in my heart and mind at that moment.
You've had a lot of training and counselling so I really would have thought you could talk about relationships at this point in your life. I do not understand why avoidance is your "go-to" at this point. Again, I wonder where we went wrong, what we did to cause this in your life. Obviously you feel there is nothing at all we could possibly do to help. Although again, according to the Bible, and common, worldwide, down through history, thinking, it is still a part of our job description. The leave and cleave command does not preclude respect (which would imply contact and seeking of advice).
It's 4:30 AM. I woke with a dream. One of my sons was lying in a semi-conscious state. I said to him, "You know your dad and I love you." He said, "I wouldn't be like this if you did." Then the dream shifted and the whole house was on fire. The children didn't seem to notice and ignored my cries of "fire! fire!" As the house burned, I kept yelling "fire" and "get out of the house" "you have to leave" "the house is on fire". I finally woke up but couldn't get back to sleep.
But there, maybe I've done it again. Sharing too much. You are wishing for distance and I am still trying to draw you close. Fool that I am.
In Psalms and in Deuteronomy, we are commanded by God to teach our children and their children after them.
If you believe us guilty of some heinous crime and can offer proof that your children would be unsafe with us, then we have a right to know what we are being accused of.
I have tried to hang onto some semblance of hope throughout these past months. And it is certainly my love for you that has caused me to "always protect, always trust, always hope, and always persevere." (I Corinthians 13)
I have been gradually becoming aware in the past year or so that my love is not reciprocated.
And my mind often reels off to various possible scenarios to explain in some way how this could have happened. Something (or many things) I did in your childhood? But when I asked you (as I asked your brothers) if there was anything in your childhood that I had done or that we needed to talk about, you said (in what I perceived to be a peaceful and even cheerful voice) that "anything you did right, I am grateful for, and anything you did wrong, I have forgiven." Is this blanket statement no longer true?
Again, we do have a right to know of what we are being accused.
I imagine many things (since I have NO information whatsoever!). I think maybe you are following the pattern we set of not letting my mom babysit you kids when you were young - but she ordered your younger brother to stay at the table and eat his vomit when he threw up his food. Your older brother was only 5 but he ran all the way to our house to get us.
Perhaps you feel it is okay for family not to see each other because we are not communicating with dad's brother. But it is he who does not want to talk to us. We used to always go to visit them when we were in the same city, and I would try to ignore the feeling that we were unwelcome. Finally dad realized that all of the phone calls, letters, emails, etc. were one-sided. There was just nothing there. And your uncle went through a lot in prison so I can accept that he has difficulty with personal relationships. I saw them in the grocery store once and babbled on like a fool while they smiled but remained monosyllabic. That finally convinced me that they were not interested in a relationship with their sister-in-law. Of course through all this, dad and I examined ourselves for any wrong we had done or were doing. Fortunately, we have many friends and family members with whom we do enjoy good healthy relations.
It took us a long while to tell our closest friends and family that you were distancing yourself (and your family) from us. Love is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs and always protects, hopes, trusts and perseveres.
I cannot stop loving you and your family. I will not harden my heart toward you.
I wonder what we will do if we meet in a grocery store. Will you grab your children and run away from us, leaving an indelible memory for them to ponder in their life's journey? Or will you explain who the horrible monsters are that you are running from?
And how long is this to last? You say "for this time." But aberrant behaviours have a way of becoming habits.
And still you have given us absolutely no clue at all as to the reason for you denying us access to our grandchildren.
I think perhaps you have difficulty talking about difficult subjects. I remember your fingers in the ears response to me trying to explain why your adoptive sister was no longer with us. I should have just told you that she left to go back home to her aunt. I (wrongly) thought you were old enough for me to share some of the heartache and pain I had gone through. I should not have unloaded on you but it was all very fresh in my heart and mind at that moment.
You've had a lot of training and counselling so I really would have thought you could talk about relationships at this point in your life. I do not understand why avoidance is your "go-to" at this point. Again, I wonder where we went wrong, what we did to cause this in your life. Obviously you feel there is nothing at all we could possibly do to help. Although again, according to the Bible, and common, worldwide, down through history, thinking, it is still a part of our job description. The leave and cleave command does not preclude respect (which would imply contact and seeking of advice).
It's 4:30 AM. I woke with a dream. One of my sons was lying in a semi-conscious state. I said to him, "You know your dad and I love you." He said, "I wouldn't be like this if you did." Then the dream shifted and the whole house was on fire. The children didn't seem to notice and ignored my cries of "fire! fire!" As the house burned, I kept yelling "fire" and "get out of the house" "you have to leave" "the house is on fire". I finally woke up but couldn't get back to sleep.
But there, maybe I've done it again. Sharing too much. You are wishing for distance and I am still trying to draw you close. Fool that I am.
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