Two Buckets (Dec. 14)

When my older brother was a toddler (maybe 1.5-2) my parents were in Bible school. My dad said that my brother wiggled and fought a lot in his high-chair. Dad saw this as a problem to be fixed.

And so he tells the story (with much laughter) of how he took two pails, set them end-to-end, and sat his child on top. So long as he sat still, he would not fall. But of course, he moved and fell (about 2.5-3 feet) onto the floor and cried. “But when I put him back, he sat perfectly still! Only his eyeballs were moving back and forth!”

This is one of my dad’s classic stories that he tells over and over. A time when he “fixed” a childhood problem through creativity and control. In his estimation.

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This seems emblematic of a lot of how my dad parented. Things needed to be his way. Even normal things like having a child who is more active, throws food, wiggles in his high-chair, etc., were unacceptable. He needed to “fix” it. 

What did it mean to be “fixed”? It meant to be 100% under his control. 

A child sitting perfectly still, scared, only moving his eyes from left to right, while his father laughed and fed him was a “success.” Anything less than that was interpreted as disobedience, or something worse. What could be worse? Rejection? A negative reflection on his parenting? Rejection of him as a father, resulting in rejection of him towards his child?

How did he “fix” my brother?

He placed him in a precarious place, where he was bound to fail. Said another way, he placed him in a position where only the desired actions (sitting perfectly still) would save him from catastrophe. Said another way, he placed him in a position where his world was suddenly unstable, and he would need his dad to help him.

The message was clear: “You’d better listen to me (meaning, submit to me absolutely) or else (Or else what?) Or else I will put you in a position where your world is unstable, you will fail, and only I will be there for you. Then you will come begging to me for help. And I might help you. Or I might just let you fall. To teach you a lesson. If you apologize, I might pick you up and put you back. But just don’t disobey in the first place, and you won’t end up in that place!”

This is interesting because I often find myself pushing myself out into places of risk, where I am unqualified and underprepared. Often, I come to necessary harm, or else I find that I am not the right person for the job, or find a job that does not fit well. 

Why is this? Why do I pass over jobs/roles that fit well, to seek out precarious and ill-fitting jobs? Is it the challenge? I do enjoy the challenge. But is it more than that? Is there some way in which my father’s influence “pushes” me to fill these roles? 

Is he still putting me on two buckets, so that I can’t do anything except stare at him for guidance and help? Or else, if I do not (or maybe even if I do) the ground will fall out from under me?

Is this why I have so much anxiety about crossing him?