Why Narcissistic Grandparents are Bad for their Grandchildren
1. “Grandma needs a hug right now…”
They are taught that grandma’s needs come first. They are taught that they must fill those needs whether they feel like it or not. They are taught that it is wrong not to fill grandma’s needs. It is their duty (even a Christian duty) to make her feel better. Making her feel better is more important than how they feel.
For example, a child could be tired and cranky. But if grandma is leaving, or if she is sad, she expects them to serve her by giving her a hug.
2. Extension
Narcissists see children and grandchildren as extensions of themselves. This creates inequality because they cannot all be part of herself. And so there is a feeling of jealousy (see below). Also, there is pressure to live up to her expectations. There is a dominant meta narrative about what their life should be like, that has nothing to do with their wants/needs, and everything to do with her lost childhood, her wishes and fancies, and her aching needs.
3. Favouritism
A “golden child” is inevitably chosen. This child can do no wrong. This child is chosen particularly to be the extension of the narcissist. Other childnred are compared to this child. This places undue pressure on the golden child: they may feel subtly that they are not being treated fairly, and ask why not? Or, they may come toe believe that they deserve this treatment
4. Competition
Children who are not the golden child are often compared to the golden child. Or, their gifts are not as big as those of the golden child. This creates an attitude of competition, jealousy, and envy.
5. Pressure through gifts
When children do as they aught (see #1) they are rewarded with lavish gifts. When they are too busy for grandma (too busy being kids, that is), they may be punished by no rewards, or by bad gifts, or even gifts being taken back. When this works and they clue in, it begins to put pressure. They are taught to use their emotions to gain rewards. It is a sort of emotional contract: like emotional prostittution. Love is not given, it is demanded. And there are rewards if it is reciprocated, consequences if it is not. The child learns a warped view of love.
6. Pressure through threats
Given enough time, the narcissist may become more explicit. They may object to the grandchild not living up to what the grandparent wants, or not giving the grandparent the “love” they require. Threats may be made: gifts and funds may not be given. “strings” from earlier gifts may be yanked. Suddenly, the child feels that nothing they have received from this person was truly a gift, but a pre emptive manipulation tactic.
It can be very damaging to the child to feel that a person in authority over them — whom they have been taught to love, trust, and respect — wishes to control them, and demands that they serve them emotionally. This can be difficult or impossible to put into words: but it can warp their view of love, of authority, of humanity, of the world, and even of God.
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