Am I...becoming my dad?

Processing all of this all of the time is taking its toll. These are not pleasant thoughts, and my parents are (honestly) not pleasant people to think about. At least, not when I am focusing on their worst attributes and moments.

Right now we have a three year old who is quite demanding emotionally and physically. He is the most active child we have ever had. It takes focus, patience, and concentration to give him the attention, affection, and care that he so desperately needs. We don’t always get it right, and the reality is that we can’t get it right all the time. Sometimes, he just has to play on his own. Sometimes (as a last resort, never as a first option) he has to cry it out, and we just can’t meet all his needs. And that is OK.

However, sometimes, I find myself shorter of patience than I should be. Sometimes, I find myself needing space, when I should have more left to give my kids. A few times recently, when trying to get all the kids ready, one of my children did something especially unintelligent (they are children after all) and I said something like, “That wasn’t very smart.” It just came out. It’s exactly the sort of thing my dad would say.

It gets me wondering: am I becoming my dad?

The other day, my wife challenged me to think less of my parents. Maybe I am becoming obsessed.

It is a hard balance. How do I work this out...without thinking about it? But I’m thinking...how do I avoid becoming obsessed?

Is this, perhaps, how narcissism is passed down? One generation gets so fixated on their wounds, that they become emotionally depleted and have nothing left to share with their kids?

Honestly, I do not think that I am there. But it is a danger to be aware of.

I see this journey as an intense, and time limited quest to make sense of it all. I am thinking a few more months for the intensity of it…maybe a year to find a new kind of normal. 

It cannot become my new normal to ruminate about my past. I have a future to author!

The night my wife challenged me, I spent time focusing my mind on my family. Starting with my wife, then turning to my children, I prayed for them one by one as I worked. Thinking about their lives, and the various aspects of them.

This past Sunday, when I had free time, I decided, “It is the sabbath. I’m not going to think about my parents.” I focused my mind on happy thoughts, on God, and on worship. I spent a lot of time playing guitar, and started writing a new song.

The “parent free” zones in my mind and day need to gradually get larger and larger. Like light-beams piercing through a stormy sky. Until the clouds are gone, and there is only the sun shining on a new day.

“The eye is the lamp of the body. If, then, your eye be single, your whole light will be full of light.”

Your mind becomes what it focuses on.