Apology and explanation (analyzing an old letter from my dad)

While organizing my blog, I can’t across this letter from 2010. My dad wrote it after losing his shit on my wife, and destroying the first and only family vacation. His verbal assault of my pregnant wife could have sent her into early labour. Then they stormed out, and left in the early morning, leaving this email as an explanation:

Dear Ishmael and Isobella,

I'm dying inside.  I've lost a daughter in law, now I'm facing the loss of my grandchildren.  

Isobella, I'm sorry for cutting you off, I should have let you finish what you were saying.  

You can't expect me to bear this burdon alone without some angry blow ups.  I am after all, only a human being.  

We will be leaving tomorrow.  I want to spend the most time possible with our grandchildren before they are taken away.

Dad.

Interpretation:

1. I’m sorry...

2. BUT you made me mad

3. You can’t expect me to always keep my cool, based on what I’m going through

4. especially when you do that thing you know annoys me/sets me off...

...

So what you’re saying is:

4. I’m the one who set you off by annoying you, since,

3. I should know very well that you can’t control your temper

2. So I made you mad

1. You regret what I made you do to me

...

So let’s respond to this:

4. It is unreasonable to ask me to tiptoe around you, since

3. You are an adult, and should be able to control your emotions, and 

2. YOU are full responsible for your actions and decisions 

1. Until I get a true apology (acknowledging responsibility, and a desire to change)  I will need to find space from you, since you have told me yourself that you have an uncontrollable temper, which will explode on me unless I stop being who I am. 

I am not prepared to do that. Goodbye. ✋

An additional note is the gaslighting element. His toxic, hateful (venomous...can’t find enough negative adjectives to describe it) attitude towards his daughter-in-law was exactly the problem. I had talked to him numerous times about it. On the night in question, he began spewing hate on her in front of everyone gathered at the family gathering. That was precisely what my wife stood up to say, “no” to. You can’t speak such evil of people! It is not right!

But here...he is “losing his daughter in law.” Oh please. He never liked her. Even on her wedding day, he mentioned in his speech that his son chose her (in teenage passion) against his wishes. 

Their actions to her (even in the good times) were so hurtful she told them to stay away for months. I almost think she involved the police: or maybe just her father. It was a very firm “no” to them. And dad was livid at her. She was the first to set up boundaries to them. She would not be the last. 

But at any rate: “losing his daughter in law”? Oh please. He was dancing on the grave of their marriage long before it was even over. He hated that woman. 

Yet he was playing the victim card. 

And the mention of “his” grandkids. Oh, how well we have grown to hear that title. The reunion was only three days more. Once in a lifetime opportunity! But no. He had to go be with “his” grandkids. 

The ones he would fight his “precious” daughter in law viciously courts, then win custody, then spend weeks and months unsupervised with them in his camper? 

Yes, those grandkids. 

Somehow, narcissists always seem to get what they want, while also being the victim, and also turning every kind of their sins into the sin of somebody else.