Church: a den of narcissism...?

A note to the reader: I have pre-shared this post to a few readers, and have had some mixed reviews. Some really like it, while some worry that I am losing my faith, or am speaking ill of the church. I am troubled by this, because I had thought I communicated clearly. In reality, I am not bad-mouthing the church, but bad-mouthing narcissism which takes root in the church. Cancers take root in living flesh, not corpses: and criminals target the rich, not the poor. There is a reason that narcissists target the good people and rich heritage of Christianity. And this post did not weaken my faith, but greatly strengthened it in helping me to differentiate between the pharisaical, hypocitical form of religion (poisoned by narcissism) with which I was raised from the pure religion which has called to me from the pages of Scriptures, and from the doors of some very healthy churches that I have attended. 

These words are harsh, and come from a place of pain. Again -- thinking of my parents, and also thinking of some other narcissists that have abused others in churches thought out the years. Perhaps too much pain bleeds over into cynicism. Or perhaps, for this raw, ruthlessly honest, and somewhat unpolished journey, it is just right. Whatever else it is, I it is what I wrote, it is part of this journey. I hope that it inspires you to think deeply about the issues of narcissism and religion, as you read further.

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Most of us know the story of how Jesus “cleansed the temple.” Angered by the commercialism, he took a whip and drove out those selling animals, and exchanging money in the temple. 

These practices are well documented in historians such as Josephus, who comments on the very unfair and corrupt practices of the priesthood at the time. A place which was meant to be a place of holiness and contemplation became a place where the rich got richer, and the poor were excluded. 

Jesus said, “my fathers house is to be a house of prayer for all nations, but you have made it into a dem of thieves.” His choice of words is interesting. 

The Greek word translated “den” means just that. A hideout. A getaway. Someplace for a robber to feel safe, rub shoulders with like-minded individuals, and generally rub their hands together, cackle misheciously, and plan their next caper. 

It’s not that they let the robbers in the front door. The thieves had set up shop in the temple. They felt at home there. It was their base of operations. Their den. 

Remember, this is Jesus taking, not me. This is how he saw things. 

In another place, he said, “woe to you, religious leaders, for you shut off of the kingdom of god. You will not enter yourselves, and you are preventing others from entering. You will, however, travel over land and sea to make disciples of YOUR brand of religion...”

As I have studied more about narcissism, and found communities of those recovering from narcissistic abuse online, a disturbing trend has emerged. So many victims were hurt by narcissist in the church. These were not just unhealthy people who happened to attend: but often the very leaders, and core members of churches. 

I do not think that the problem is the religion itself. Not every church is affected: most Christians are upstanding folks. Just as in the case of Jesus’ day: the temple was good, and was meant to be a meeting place between God and humanity. But…it became bad. A den of robbers. 

Is it possible that today’s churches are becoming a den for a different kind of evil? That is, the evil of narcissism? Could it be that the very trust, compassion, and ethics that make the church such a wholesome place also make it a soft target for narcissism?

If so, there would be certain key aspects of the church (and I will speak here primarily of the Evangelical church of North America, since that is the context with which I am aware) that they are drawn to. 

These seem to be:

1. Upholding the Structures

Christianity, like most religions, upholds the structures of societies. It tells citizens to obey their leaders, parents their children…and yes, wives to “submit” (not necessarily “obey”) to their husbands. 

Karl Marx — who was trying to stir the people up to revolution against an abusive ruling class — called religion, “The opiate of the masses.” I am no fan of Marx or marxism. But on this point…he may have been on to something.

There is a time for a population to stand up against their leaders, children against their parents, wives against their husbands. There are times when genuine abuse occurs. At these times, we need to understand that while the Bible lays out principles, they are not meant to apply in every case. 

“Submit, therefore to the governing authorities…” (Except when they are lining up the population and shooting them and dropping their bodies in mass graves. In this case, it is probably a time for a different solution)

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord…” (Except when he tells you to take your clothes of for him, or when he whips you, or when he hits mom. In these cases, call the police, even if he does say God told him to do so)

“Wives submit to your husbands…” (Except in cases where he is physically and verbally abusing you. In these cases, stand up for yourself, girl, and demand that he treats you right — like Christ treated the church)

2. All are welcome

Christianity is not an exclusive club. And while some may complain that it is hard to make it into leadership…narcissists have a winning smile, often a quick mind, and many have become experts at memorizing scriptures. Often, a narcissist can show up and be standing behind a pulpit in a matter of months. It is a rare church indeed that does any sort of background check, if one were even possible, due to…

3. No overarching governing structure

The Catholic church has gotten into hot water over their treatment of abuse cases. (There is a link between pedophelia and narcissism…not all narcissists are pedophiles, but it seems that almost all pedophiles are narcissists) Rather than dealing with the issues, and listening to victims, they simply moved priests from place to place — without telling the new parish what they were dealing with.

Evangelicalism may smugly say “well, that’s not how we do things…” Very true. Our churches have no governing body. And so even if something terrible happened at the church down the road, our church would have no way of knowing, especially since,

4. Gossip is a sin

A very bad person sends out a vibe. It is hard to put one’s finger on it. But one’s body knows. Down in one’s gut. Sometimes, when one has been abused, they just know. A person may be across the room, but they just know. Populations keep themselves and their children safe by whispering. 

“Something happened…it’s probably nothing…he said this…it just seemed off…I’m probably imagining this…no, I saw the same thing…I saw something too, but I thought I must be crazy…you’re not crazy, OK, maybe we need to do something about this…”

But whispering is forbidden in the church. It is gossip, and gossip is a sin. 

And so unless someone has committed a verifiable offence there is no recourse. Most narcissists are far to cunning to do something overt. And if they have committed a sin, then the Biblical mandate is…

5. One-on-one first

Jesus lays out a clear way of handling church discipline. This is, again, a very good system, meant to avoid gossip, and avoid people being excommunicated from their social and religious circles without good grounds. However, anything that is good can be used for evil.

In this case, as an abuser starts to open up about their confusing relationship with a narcissist, they may find a godly hand come up in their face:

“Am I the source of this problem?”

“No.”

“Am I the solution to this problem?”

“Well, no, but…”

“Then I think you should talk to him first. Let me know if he does not repent, and I can accompany you to talk with him the second time, as Jesus commanded…”

Just like that. All neat and clean. No gossip, no infighting. But in the meantime, a narcissistic abuser continues the abuse, and the victim is silenced. Worse than silenced, they are trapped, since…

6. No escape allowed

As everyone knows, “God hates divorce.” Also, the only Bible verse which speaks about children leaving their parents also mentions marriage. Therefore, it is reasoned, any spouse who leaves a marriage, and any unmarried child (or even sometimes married children) who leave their parents are in sin. Sometimes, an “umbrella of blessing” is taught, with God at the top, parents under, then husbands, then children. So a wife or child who leaves is no longer under God’s blessings, but under His curse. 

If she leaves, and catches a cold or cancer…well, that’s clearly God’s judgment on you. 

Dark frowns and judgment may surround such a one, who takes action to protect themselves and their children from further abuse. And once again, the abuser is protected. What a marvellous den he has found for himself. He can even use it to…

7. Reel them back in

In the wilderness, the slave-girl (who had been impregnated by her master) Hagar was fleeing abuse. But an angel told her to go back and submit. She did, and put up with it for years, until she was sent out again and almost died with her now young child. 

…and so some Christians teach that children and wives need to go back to their husbands, “even if it is a little bit difficult,” because that’s the only place where blessings can be found.

Sarah submitted to Abraham, even when he twice said she was his sister, and nearly got her married off to someone else. The situation put her in a lot of danger (adulteresses were often burned or stoned at the time) but he ended up benefitting from the arrangement both times, receiving livestock and privileged grazing grounds. In one of the most difficult Bible verses, wives are essentially commanded, “be like Sarah, in order to be her ‘children’.” (1 Peter 3). If this sort of behaviour is acceptable, what else are wives to put up with?

In one passage, Jesus is talking about church unity. he says that if someone has something against you, leave your offering on the altar, and go and be reconciled to there person, then offer your sacrifice. It is a beautiful reminder that relationships are important — more important than doing your pious duties in the church. However, this very verse was used by my narcissistic father. I made an adult decision to put up a boundary. He sulked and was very angry, but I persisted in my boundary. He gave me the silent treatment for six months. When I called to see if he was done pouting yet, he growled in anger, “you knew that I had something against you, but you did not come to me. So everything you’ve done for God in these past six months has been a lie.” It is not for nothing that a narcissist studies the bible every day. There are more than one ways that they…

8. Find their rights, forget their duties

We humans in society need to be organized. We have rights, which is things that others owe us. If someone cuts us off it traffic, or yells at our child in public, our rights have been violated. We are justified in feeling some sense of anger at that. But likewise, we have duties. This is inescapable because, as Jordan Peterson has pointed out, “your rights are my duties, and vice versa.” So we also have a duty to be patient, and not cut others off in traffic. We must control ourselves and not yell at other people’s children — no matter how much of a brat they are being.

A narcissist will often study Scriptures scrupulously. And anecdotally I would say….the narcissists that I know are the best at reading their Bibles. They read them daily. Sometimes hourly. They live to read and interpret and preach from the Bible. But strangely, the words coming out of their mouths are death and captivity. They tie up heavy burdens on people, but do not lift a finger to help. They have a lot in common with the Pharisees of old. Specifically, they emphasize their rights but not their duties, in certain key relationships, such as…

a) Parent-child

Children have a duty to obey their parents. BUT only “in the Lord,” which means nothing should be required which is unhealthy (violating the image of God within the child) or unBiblical (good luck proving that to a narcissist). They are also to respect their parents. But respect is not the same as honour. One can simultaneously respect a police man’s uniform, while informing on him for police brutality. The same holds for parents.

Children are told to “leave” their parents. And this comes before marriage. In the church, it often seems to be taught that this happens at marriage. But anecdotally, what I have seen and experienced, is that if one waits until the honeymoon to try to “leave” one’s parents, that is too late. Some healthy separation needs to take place before hand, or else the young couple will have a very difficult time unraveling it all.

The very verses that speak about children obeying and respecting their parents are also paired with verses about parents “not exasperating their children, lest they loose heart,” and “not provoking them to anger.” I was genuinely shocked when I read these verses for the first time as a teen. Growing up in the church, I had never heard a sermon on these verses. At 36, I still don’t think I’ve heard a sermon on them. 

Church is often about upholding the structures, not about questions them. 

b) Husband-wife

Wives are to submit to husbands. True. But husbands are to love their wives, as Christ loved the church. Sacrificially, fully, dying and living for her, in a way which truly values her. Husbands are to be the head of their homes. True. But only in the same way that Christ is. Jesus said, “You know that the great men of our society lord it over others..but it is not to be this way among you. But whoever wishes to be great, must become the least.” He washed their feet, explaining, “if I, your teacher and lord have washed your feet, then you must do likewise.” 

Being a Christian man is about taking on responsibility, caring for your wife and family like it is your own body, putting yourself on the line, sacrificing your years and vitality to keep them safe, fed, and to nurture them. 

But narcissists seem to see only the rights due them. “Obey me. Honour me. Serve me sexually. Clean up for me. Raise my kids. Otherwise, you are ungodly. You have no right to call me on my sins, because as a man, I am better than you.”

God hates divorce, true. Don’t we all? But that doesn’t mean that the one who initiated it has done a hateful action. God actually allowed dovorce in the old Testament. Why? “Because of hardness of heart.” Sometimes, a marriage goes in a very toxic direction. It may be a question of adultery, or of a person loosing their faith. Or…it may be far harder to understand than that. It may be the subtle evil of narcissism…that spouse that makes himself look better by tearing others down. Perhaps his toxicity has mixed with church doctrines, so that he thinks that his gender is better than the other. Perhaps he gaslights, manipulates, lies, cheats, and uses verbal and financial abuse. 

Perhaps at a certain point it is time for her to go. For the children’s sake, if not for her own.

But what will meet her? 

A caring community, that cares about the widows and orphans, that cares about women and children cast off by abusive men? (James 1:27) one would hope so. 

Or…a darkly gossiping community that upholds the structure, and assumes that if she left, the problem lies with her?

It is worth noting that separation is nowhere even mentioned as a sin in Scriptures. Neither is divorce. What is discussed is remarriage. 

So tragically, this was a commandment to men, who were likely using religion and social practices to cycle through their wives: trading out the “wife of their youth” for a younger model every decade or so. The commandments were meant to stop this practice. “Don’t you realize that you are basically committing adultery, by trading in your wives like this? And what do you expect her to do? She’s going to have to go and get married again…and that’s on you, mister!”

…but today, this hotly debated passage is interpreted as a commandment to never remarry, under any circumstances. Even if one is a victim, fleeing to safety. And especially if there is nothing concrete (such as adultery or loss of faith) to point to.

So pretty much, a narcissist can sit back and say calmly, “Well honey. Either you can put up with me, or you will never have sex, never have kids, never have a godly marriage for the rest of your life. Make your choice.” 

Oh, what a cozy den these narcissists have made for themselves 

c) Church leadership

In truly despicable cases, the leaders of a church themselves may be narcissists. Or, a narcissist may split a church, or leave a church to create a smaller and smaller kingdom, where he can reign supreme. Sometimes, only his family — or only just his wife — remain in this little “church.” 

“Better to reign in hell than serve in Heaven,” - Dante

These leaders are fond of quoting verses encouraging church attendance. They may quote verses that it takes the Spirit to interpret Scriptures, and that church authority should have a place in interpreting Scriptures. Clearly, only they have the Spirit, and only they have church authority. So if you read anything differently than them, clearly, they win. It’s the perfect scenario. God is always on their side. 

If they cannot find a verse, they can always say that, “God spoke to them.” Perhaps they put a very unusual spin on an out-of-context Bible verse (this is called a rheme in some circles), relating with misty eyes how, “God just made this so clear to me in my quiet times this morning…” or they may just outright say, “God told me….” Either way, who is anyone else to oppose or question them? It is like living in a little cult, with a little cult leader, who cannot be questioned. They can flat out make stuff up and nobody can question them anymore. Those who are wise learn to be silent and follow along. 

Of course, the Bible does lay out some duties towards leaders. They should not be questioned without cause, and (since religious leaders seem to be magnets for false accusations), Christians are told not to believe rumours unless they are related by two or three reliable witnesses. (Notice…they are to believe them if they are related by several reliable witnesses). Church leaders should be supported for their work, if possible, and should be given due respect, if they have earned it. However, there are also some responsibilities.

Fundamentally, a leader is to be tested and selected by a recognized group of existing Chrsitian learders. This system is not perfect: but a list of guidelines is provided in 1 Timothy 3. The list includes “not addicted to alcohol…not prone to outbursts of rage…not argumentative...good reputation in the community…good family life.” This would preclude a lot of the nut-jobs that walk around calling themselves a “pastor,” when they really have been rejected by nearly every pastoral and elder search committee they have ever applied to.

A person cannot simply call themselves a pastor. This is not something they can take upon themselves. A pastor is meant to be tested, and only allowed the title if he has been deemed fit for the office. 

A pastor is not above reproach, either. Rather, “Those who sin, rebuke in the presence of everybody, so that others will be afraid of sinning.” There is another verse you never hear a sermon on.

9. Love hopes all things, believes all things...

It is a tendency, and sometimes seem to see the good in everyone. It is also part of Christian teaching that everyone is a sinner. And that all sins are equal. (Protestants reject the Catholic distinction between “venial” and “mortal” sins) 

What does amounts to is a great moral leveling. Has he committed adultery? Well, I have busted… So that’s the same thing. Is he a convicted murderer? Well, that is before he met Christ. And who hasn’t hated in their hearts? 

And if it is a sin to call someone a fool, wouldn’t it also be a sin to call them a pedophile? After all, that is what they did, not who they are. It’s in the past (by definition, everything is in the past, isn’t it?) and he has asked for God to forgive him. So it’s all better now. And it would be gossip to let anyone know, wouldn’t it?

10. Victim shaming

Christianity is mostly focused on moral guilt. Of course, one’s sins are an important topic — perhaps the most important topic — to talk about. However, it is not the only topic to disucss. Evangelicalism as I have experienced it seems fairly inarticulate when it comes to discussing other matters; such as what to do with other peoples sins against yourself, and their ongoing effects. Also, it does not seem to know what to do about emotional health. Often, emotionally healthy phrases, (such as “believe in yourself,” “love yourself,” or “set boundaries for yourself against  hurtful people”) are seen as sinful, foolish, or simply unhelpful.

When discussing a marriage or parent-child problem, some pastoral counsellors (keep in mind that there is no specific training required to become a pastoral counsellor, other than — hopefully — being appointed, and somewhat vetted through a 1 Tim. 3 process) may say things which are trying to identify, and deal with the personal sins of the person in front of them, even when that may not be the most important issue on the table. The overall effects of their words may amount to victim-shaming: disastrously, making the victim feel that they had  caused the abuse…

“You know, there are two sides to every story…”

“I think you may need to forgive him. I sense a spirit of bitterness in your voice…”

“Is there something you may have done to provoke him…”

“You can only control yourself, not his actions. Is there something that you can apologize to him for? After all, nobody’s perfect.”

(In the case of rape) “Did you scream?” (In the old testament…according to one interpretation…if a woman did not scream during a sexual encounter, the woman was assumed to have welcomed the intercourse. If she did, it was rape. One can understand the rationale for this law: one can also — with gut-wrenching disgust — sense how this verse has been twisted to shame victims over the centuries) 

“The Bible tells us to submit. Just look at what Hagar and Sarah had to put up with…”

“And besides, look at the example of Christ…”

11. Meekness and suffering are godly

Christianity and Christians sometimes teach or imply that your own life is not valuable. There is a certain amount of self-denial which is, of course, Godly. “Those who cling to their lives will loose them, but those who lay down their lives will find them.” I think of this verse often, as a man who chose marriage and children over a life of singleness and possessions. This was a choice that meant a lot of sacrifices: less time for video games…my music and recording ambitions faded away…so many sleepless nights…even ministry and religious ambitions were put on hold. For family. And yet…I wouldn’t trade it for anthing. I have laid down aspects of my life, but it was worth it. This is, I think, what these passages speak of.

It is about personal growth, through altruism.

A narcissist is all about altruism…so long as they are the single and sole beneficiary. They are happy to teach their wives and children and grandchildren and congregations to “give it all for God,” and “your life really counts for nothing,” and “lay down your ambitions,” and “be like Christ, who prayed, ‘not my will but thy will be done’…and by the way, God’s #1 rule is to serve me. You got that? (Emotionally, financially, religiously, sexually...give me your time, energy, years, talent, oysters and emotional “fuel) And if you dare to not serve me, you are sinning, and God’s judgments will fall on your wretched heads. So let’s all turn to page 102 and sing, ‘Amazing Grace’…” 

When a child or spouse stands up to the abuse and dysfunction, they are called a rebel. And rebellion is a sin: worse than witchcraft, they are told (actually, its disobedience that is worse than witchcraft…rebellion is nowhere called a sin).

The only way to be a good Christian, so we are told, is to be meek and mild. To not be selfish. And when one’s youth, and years, and purity, and rights, and body, and very life are being gobbled up and smothered out by a selfish, unfeeling, entitled, wicked person?

Well, you just need to suffer and endure that. After all, isn’t that what Jesus would do?

Oh, how comfortable we have made it for the narcissists, in our midst. But actually, we can’t even call him that, since,

12. Insults are a sin

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So what’s your point…

I am sure that some readers are getting a bit hot around the gills at this point. I know a previous version of myself I would be. Perhaps I will get some responses to this post. I certainly hope so.

I am not questioning my faith, and I am not saying the Bible, or our religion is wrong. 

“What are you trying to do, then?” 

Honestly…I am just trying to speak the truth. I don’t know what to do with it yet. But this is true.

The church upholds the structure. It prevents honest discussion. It hides and covers over sins. It lacks the ability or desire to track dangerous people. And it does not tend to believe victims, but shames them, and tells them to meekly endure abuse and dysfunciotn.

Honestly, the answer of many, many a person is simply to leave church. And good on them. Some have found a courageous way to honour God on their own.

But is there not a better way?

Like Jesus, who raged and cleared the temple…is there a way to cleanse the church of the narcissists among us?

If so, it will not be easy or pretty.

Jesus died for calling out the “den of thieves.” What will the price be for destroying the comfortable, “den of narcissism”?

Perhaps writing this post was the first step in the right direction.