I’m not forgetful...just anxious
Recently, I have been meeting new people at work. And I caught myself introducing myself as, “yeah, sometimes I am forgetful…“ Amazing some of the things you tell people in the first couple conversations you have. It’s like we have an internal dialogue about who we are, and when we get to know one another, it just spills out. Except at this time, I thought to myself right away, “no, that is incorrect! I am not forgetful!“ I have become very careful these days about how I name myself. And this name does not feel correct anymore.
On the day where Joe was very uptight, and constantly going on diatribes, and pointing out the flaws in everyone else, and just generally being a narcissist on a rampage, that day I had a hard time remembering things. I caught myself making foolish mistakes. A few times he came barrelling past me, and I awkwardly backed up, almost tripping.
And that day I realized something really significant. All my life I have said I am forgetful. And it is true that I get lost in my mind sometimes, thinking about big things, and forgetting the small details right in front of me. That is true.
However, what is also true is that my trauma has conditioned me to be very, very aware of the emotions of those around me. This is because of a trauma bond to my abuser father and others. I am always vigilant and aware. I cannot turn it off: if someone is suddenly angry in the room, I can detect it, just like a Geiger counter would detect radiation. So that is always running in the background, taking up resources. Then, when I know someone is agitated, and when that person is in authority over me, my anxiety peaks. I start obsessing about what I am doing. Thinking about the consequences if I were to make a mistake. (Imagining that person yelling at me, launching into a diatribe, demeaning me, calling me stupid, etc. etc.) these dark thoughts take up more and more of the centre of my mind. Which causes me to not pay sufficient attention to what is right in front of me. Ironically… Tragically… Being obsessed with not making mistakes causes me to make more mistakes. And I become fatally attracted to making a big mess, and getting on the bad side of the narcissist boss/dad.
I had a really, really bad experience as a security guard in my early 20s. I think it’s fair to say that the upper management was completely run by narcissists. I am thinking it through, and that is probably fair. Narcissism permeated the culture of the company. Everyone was trying to pump themselves up, and beat everyone else down. Everyone was hyper vigilant of the mistakes of others, and had 1 million excuses for any of their own mistakes. Correction: not everyone. Some employees floated blissfully above that. But the management were that way, and enough of the employees were that it was a difficult workplace. I entered that as a raging codependent, desperately needing to be excepted and liked. Things went well for a while, then I started making mistakes. Who knows what the first one was, but when I was yelled at and insulted, and publicly shamed, then the noise in my head increased. I started beating myself up. I began obsessing about not making any mistakes ever. And as a result, made so many mistakes! And attracted more and more of the ire of my bosses. It got to were after a 12 hour shift, it would take me three or four hours to calm down. Then I would barely have time to sleep, then start the same hell all over again. It was such a terrible job! Although the money was good, I quit after only a few months. I quit to work on a garbage truck for less money. I was so embarrassed my first couple days of work, running up the main street of my hometown behind the garbage truck. But at least I was free from that stress. It was ruining my marriage, and would have started affecting my health.
This time, at this job, I am a much different person. It is true that Joe bothers me. Perhaps my experience makes Joe’s behaviour stand out a bit more to me. On the other hand, numerous other people have mentioned of their own accord that Joe really bothers them. “Sometimes, he just really gets under my skin!“ “One day, I just told him straight up – I can’t handle your negativity!“ “Let’s just stand out here in the cold for a bit. It is better than going in there and facing Joe’s BS“ So I am not the crazy one. And I don’t think I am overly sensitive. In fact, I think that my history, and my recent work on myself has made me far more resilient and able to deal with this narcissist in the workplace.
And I don’t find that I am very forgetful. While at work, I have been focussing 100%. I have been talking through the tasks in my mind (or out loud) and making sure I am not forgetting anything. I do still forget things, but probably not more than anyone else in their first month of work.
And so what this tells me is that I am not really forgetful. I was just anxious. Anxious to help people like me, and to appease the narcissists that I always seem to to be attracting to myself. But now that that is no longer the case, there is far more brain space freed up for other things.
I look forward to having progressively more brain-space freed up, as I continue to work on healing and health from my dysfunction childhood, and the aftermath that it has left.
On the day where Joe was very uptight, and constantly going on diatribes, and pointing out the flaws in everyone else, and just generally being a narcissist on a rampage, that day I had a hard time remembering things. I caught myself making foolish mistakes. A few times he came barrelling past me, and I awkwardly backed up, almost tripping.
And that day I realized something really significant. All my life I have said I am forgetful. And it is true that I get lost in my mind sometimes, thinking about big things, and forgetting the small details right in front of me. That is true.
However, what is also true is that my trauma has conditioned me to be very, very aware of the emotions of those around me. This is because of a trauma bond to my abuser father and others. I am always vigilant and aware. I cannot turn it off: if someone is suddenly angry in the room, I can detect it, just like a Geiger counter would detect radiation. So that is always running in the background, taking up resources. Then, when I know someone is agitated, and when that person is in authority over me, my anxiety peaks. I start obsessing about what I am doing. Thinking about the consequences if I were to make a mistake. (Imagining that person yelling at me, launching into a diatribe, demeaning me, calling me stupid, etc. etc.) these dark thoughts take up more and more of the centre of my mind. Which causes me to not pay sufficient attention to what is right in front of me. Ironically… Tragically… Being obsessed with not making mistakes causes me to make more mistakes. And I become fatally attracted to making a big mess, and getting on the bad side of the narcissist boss/dad.
I had a really, really bad experience as a security guard in my early 20s. I think it’s fair to say that the upper management was completely run by narcissists. I am thinking it through, and that is probably fair. Narcissism permeated the culture of the company. Everyone was trying to pump themselves up, and beat everyone else down. Everyone was hyper vigilant of the mistakes of others, and had 1 million excuses for any of their own mistakes. Correction: not everyone. Some employees floated blissfully above that. But the management were that way, and enough of the employees were that it was a difficult workplace. I entered that as a raging codependent, desperately needing to be excepted and liked. Things went well for a while, then I started making mistakes. Who knows what the first one was, but when I was yelled at and insulted, and publicly shamed, then the noise in my head increased. I started beating myself up. I began obsessing about not making any mistakes ever. And as a result, made so many mistakes! And attracted more and more of the ire of my bosses. It got to were after a 12 hour shift, it would take me three or four hours to calm down. Then I would barely have time to sleep, then start the same hell all over again. It was such a terrible job! Although the money was good, I quit after only a few months. I quit to work on a garbage truck for less money. I was so embarrassed my first couple days of work, running up the main street of my hometown behind the garbage truck. But at least I was free from that stress. It was ruining my marriage, and would have started affecting my health.
This time, at this job, I am a much different person. It is true that Joe bothers me. Perhaps my experience makes Joe’s behaviour stand out a bit more to me. On the other hand, numerous other people have mentioned of their own accord that Joe really bothers them. “Sometimes, he just really gets under my skin!“ “One day, I just told him straight up – I can’t handle your negativity!“ “Let’s just stand out here in the cold for a bit. It is better than going in there and facing Joe’s BS“ So I am not the crazy one. And I don’t think I am overly sensitive. In fact, I think that my history, and my recent work on myself has made me far more resilient and able to deal with this narcissist in the workplace.
And I don’t find that I am very forgetful. While at work, I have been focussing 100%. I have been talking through the tasks in my mind (or out loud) and making sure I am not forgetting anything. I do still forget things, but probably not more than anyone else in their first month of work.
And so what this tells me is that I am not really forgetful. I was just anxious. Anxious to help people like me, and to appease the narcissists that I always seem to to be attracting to myself. But now that that is no longer the case, there is far more brain space freed up for other things.
I look forward to having progressively more brain-space freed up, as I continue to work on healing and health from my dysfunction childhood, and the aftermath that it has left.
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