Workplace Narcissism: The Victim's Code

I am having more troubles with a coworker at work. Yesterday, for the second time, he significantly messed up the product, and I (as the deliveryman) was left looking quite foolish. We had to dump the product, costing the company money. Ultimately, that will be our bonuses at the end of the year. 

It was an extremely emotional event. I actually sobbed as I dumped the product out. I called up the boss, and told him in a very minimalistic way what had happened. I took responsibility for what I had done, and tall only the bare minimum of what Kim had done. Why did I do that?

As I thought more about that event, and the last time that we had a problem, the mistakes he has made started to pile up in my mind. And I realize that he is putting me in danger, and his lack of quality control makes me look bad. Perhaps putting my job in danger (although so far, they are not blaming me as I am just training). And yet I have a very hard time mentioning anything to coworkers or the boss about his performance. Why is that?

Kim and I both have something in common. We were both raised in abusive homes. I can just tell that about him. Also, one day I came into work to hear somebody absolutely losing it at Mike on the phone. He urgently pointed me to do a certain task, but kept focussing on the phone. I thought maybe we were in terrible trouble, and the boss had called to remind us out. But it was just his dad. Calling about something fairly minor. I think it was where he parked the trailer or something like that. He managed to call by very calmly excepting the blame, then bring up something positive, then moving on. The phone call ended very cordially. Exactly the pattern I am used to. So we understand where each other is from.

I think that children from abuse of families can pick one another out. Even if we don’t know why. We just understand one another. We get one another, and work easily together. Certain things don’t need to be communicated because we came from the same place.

One of these unspoken rules, I realize, is the code.

The code goes something like this…

We both know that we are in a bad place. They could explode at any minute. If you happen to be the one standing there in a messy room, with dad is in a bad mood, all of the blame falls on you. And he might yell, or throw things, or take away privileges, or spank you, or just yell at you and make you feel stupid for 10 minutes straight. That could happen at any moment.

I know that, and you know that. We also know that it wouldn’t take much for me to turn dad against one of the siblings. This would both beat them down (which could be useful, for example as revenge) and also raise one's status. There’s nothing quite as powerful as feeling like you are on daddy side. Or having him discipline one of the siblings, then turn to you and say, “thanks for letting me know.“ And for a while, you are buddies with dad.

I do not think we really had a problem with tattletales in our family. If we did, and I know sometimes this happens, it would be layers upon layers of dysfunction. An out of control dad, with a sibling that knows how to control him. “You better give me that, or else I will tell dad what you did last night…“ Maybe some readers know what I’m talking about.

But for the more decent people who were raised in this sort of environment, there was a code. I won’t tell on you, you won't tell on me. We’re together in this. 

And so if something goes wrong, even if you know who it was, everyone stares at their feet and takes the abuse together. "I am Spartacus!" Even if there was an instigator and someone followed, it’s something that happened, everyone takes it together. That way, dad never really knows who he is disciplining, and the discipline will always be lighter for everyone. It works better if everyone is following the code. 

But if that one person stops, it all falls apart.

...and now...I feel like, I cannot be that person...even if it may cost me my job to be silent. 

What should I do?