You don’t respect me!

"Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor." (Romans 13:7)

Respect and honour are two very different things, dad. I respect you positionally  but you have done many dishonourable things, for which I will not honour you.

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Honour is something which is taught by Christians. However, what does respect mean? Does a father get to choose what respect means? "If you're not talking to me, that means you don't respect me?" If so, isn't that just the same as obedience? We obey our children while with them, but then we "leave" to become independent, then marry our spouses.

A few months ago, I took the step of mentioning my parents negatively in a sermon. It was not a very negative example, but for the first time, I spoke about them in a slightly unflattering light.

My wife said that God gave her a very unexpected experience. As I was talking (and she knew how hard this was for me, but it seemed necessary, and what God had put on my heart to share) she said that she suddenly had this flash of seeing my parents...whole. Healthy. It's like light was on them, around them. They were laughing, joyful. So good and peaceful.

My wife has not had any meaningful contact with my parents for nearly a decade: and my parents only refer to her as, "your wife," or (more often) "our grandkids' mother." Their relationship is non-existent. And what I was sharing in the sermon was not especially flattering: but she got this sudden, powerful image. 

It was powerful on two levels. First, as we talked about it, I realized that I had tried so hard to protect my wife from the negative aspects of my parents: but it hadn't really worked. When I shared their humanity and weakness, however, God was able to show her a picture of their good side. Or maybe the good that they could be, or could have been, or will be in heaven.

Since then, there was another time when my wife had this exact experience happen again. 

Thinking of this image has been really helpful for myself. I have thought, "What does respect mean? Honour what they want right now?" But they are not in a healthy place right now. They do have good in them (which makes this journey so complicated). And I do believe i will meet them in Heaven. When I do...will they wish that I had honoured their wishes here on earth (when their wishes were contaminated, selfish, dark and self-serving) or their wishes in Heaven?

It was a different way of thinking of the problem, but a very powerful one. It has become my solution to the problem.

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), 3 so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." - Eph. 6:1-4

My parents have used this very verse to try to control me. And yet I see that the most Godly thing is to use this verse to treat them as their perfected, heavenly versions  would like them to be treated.

"Thank you so much for limiting the amount of sin that we could inflict."

"It makes us so sad to think of how corrupted and confused we were then -- thank you for not listening to us..."

"The most important thing is how you raised yourself, and raised your grandchildren. Thank you, thank you, thank you for keeping them away from us, when we were in that state, and raising them the best way that you knew how. You were not perfect, but you knew better than us in those moments..."

One day, they will see how hard I have worked -- and continue to work -- to honour them.