F---- You!

My wife and I have often mentioned to one another lately how we have both been swearing more. As I mentioned in a previous post, I have decided not to exaggerate in this regard, and especially to watch my mouth at work. However, as we both said to one another, there are some sentiments that cannot be expressed articulately without swearwords. 

All words are invented, I suppose, because there is a reality that needs to be expressed. And this seems to be the case with swearwords.

Take fuck you, for example.

With this communicates is a complete cutting off of a relationship. It is like, “This completely ends! I don’t care what you do with yourself. But you’re not doing anything to me anymore. I am throwing you out, take the dog and your car and your stupid video games. You are out of my life and out of my heart forever.“ You can hear a door slam and an engine rev, and know that that is just the end. Absolutely the end. It is a short phrase that says so much!

Being a Bible scholar has taught me to look at the origins of words. So let’s look at the etymology of fuck you.

It is an abbreviation – as far as I can see — of the longer phrase, “go fuck yourself.“

If I am making anyone uncomfortable, I do apologize. However, I suspect that being a little bit uncomfortable is what keeps you coming back to this blog.

The idea of “go fuck yourself,“ is also significant in the broader sense. We get the idea from this phrase that two people used to be friends — lovers even. (Although this phrase can be used for non-lovers) In the past, there may have been an exchange of some kind between the two. Or perhaps some exchange was requested or desired on the part of one or both parties. This exchange could have been sexual, or familial, or amicable, or financial, or what have you. But now, that ends.

In the expression, “go fuck yourself,“ the one party very emphatically says, “you will get nothing from me! And I want nothing from you!“ And in the same breath, they very emphatically say, “whatever you thought you were going to get for me, you are going to have to get from yourself or from somewhere else. I don’t care where you get it! But you will never get it from me!“

I say all this because I have been finding the expression fuck you to be very helpful at work. While working with Joe, for example, it seems that there is always a game of some sort. He is always trying to put me down, or control me, or lift himself up. There is an almost constant attempt to shame me. Working with him is a constant mind game. And often, after engaging with him and keeping my boundaries up, and saying just the right thing – I have been doing quite well at keeping him at bay — I turn to go back to work...and silently mutter under my breath, “fuck you.”“Fuck you, you don’t get to tell me how to live outside of work. You don’t get to blame your shit on me. You don’t get to make me feel like dirt. You don’t… You don’t… You don’t…“ It is extremely helpful for me to say this. Usually, when I see it – and it just bubbles up naturally from inside of me – then that issue is resolved. I have a hard time even remembering what those things were that bugged me. Because I just don’t even care anymore. I don’t give a fuck. That’s his shit, not mine.

“I don’t give a fuck.” Interesting. I guess that is another variation: meaning, “there is nothing he has that interests me in the slightest.”

My wife and I were jokingly saying how in the Christian circle, there just aren’t words to say this. “Oh gosh and golly, I really am done talking with that person!“ that doesn’t really seem to convey the same meaning. “And,“ my wife reminded me, “you are not allowed to say gosh anyways! Because that is an abbreviation of God!“

**

As I thought about this throughout the day, I also had a fairly long, stop and start conversation on messenger with Chantelle Neufeld, a hypnotherapist that has done my hypnotherapy sessions recorded on this blog. She is the only one on my blog that does not have a code name, because if her work intrigues you, I would love for you to book a session with her.

As we talked, several things became very clear to me.

First of all, I asked her about my recent posts about my dad‘s sexuality. I found this very difficult to write, and wondered if they were too dirty or troubling even for this anonymous blog. She did not especially think so. I then said that I continue to have thoughts of trying to find proof that he did wrong, in regards to paedophilia in the past. She wondered why I was so fixated on trying to prove a crime, which may or may not have occurred, and which would not be punishable anyways because of the statute of limitations.

I responded honestly that it is very difficult to explain to people why I am distancing myself from my parents. It is hard enough to explain to myself! And so if I could just have a conviction, that part would be very easy!

She reminded me that getting information from victims might be much harder than I may have thought. If something did happen, especially in young childhood, where I to ask a victim, their mental protectors would likely come to the fore, and they would become angry, defensive, and maybe even lash out against me. All sorts of strange things may happen. I kind of smacked my fore head at this point: of course! How could I expect this to be a simple conversation? After all that I have been through… Of course I should understand that such a traumatic event with leave lasting and very confusing scars on people.

“But as far as I am concerned,“ said Chantale, “I think you are right in your assumptions.”

“Really?“ I asked, “do you think that the dots connect for you?“

“Oh, very much so! Whether or not he did criminal activity, he definitely violated boundaries and inappropriate things.“

I realized that this is what I needed most of all. I just need other people to understand why I cannot let my father near my daughter. If other healthy and rational people understand this, then that is helpful because it means I am not crazy.

As I process this more, I thought that it was fairly unlikely that my dad had actually done criminal actions. He may have. I am not exonerating him. But it seems that with his conflicted relationship to his sexuality, and his very strong reliance on his religious beliefs, he would have tried to control his urges. Control, or redirect them.

I think that with my dad we have done would have been emotional incest. He would have wanted to set a little girl on his knee, and do to her what my mother did to me. To confide in her, lean on her emotionally, treat her like the wife that he wished he had. Compliant, obedient, hanging on his every word. Looking up adoringly at him. These things would have stroked his narcissism, and finally satisfied his obsession for control.

I think I saw some of this behaviour with him when he was involved with the youth group. However, really he would have liked to have younger girls than that. Teenage girls are not exactly the best targets when you want someone to adore and obey you unquestioningly.

A few days ago, after working on resources about my father, I came down the stairs into the kitchen and saw my daughter. “You must protect that one!“ The thoughts came from deep within, my subconscious wanted to tell me that.

She is at exactly the target age. Perhaps that is what kick started this whole journey. During their last visit, I felt so intensely uncomfortable with my dad around my daughter. It was that extreme discomfort that propelled me to finally cancel the next visit (although it caused great conflict within me) and let me spiralling in the direction of getting counselling and help and eventually getting onto this journey. I need to protect my daughter!

I understand the pain of emotional incest. I will not allow that to carry onto the next generation! My daughter will have the gift of being a child while she has a child. She will not carry the burdens of being an adult, and being the strong person for her grandfather.

It is a heavy thought, and not one which I will not elaborate on in this blog. But I wonder how much my father carried on this emotional incest with my niece, those summers where spent off in his camper, during my brothers messy divorce. I wonder what scars she still carries to this day? But that is not my problem to fix. All I can do is protect those within my own boundaries.

And as I say all of this, I realize that this portion of the journey is coming to an end. I got what I needed from that excursion. I know that my dad is sexually and emotionally unbalanced, and very dangerous to my daughter. To my sons as well, but especially to my daughter. And especially during this time. I would think for the next 2 to 3 years is absolutely crucial. He can have absolutely no contact with her. None whatsoever!

This is final, irrevocable, and absolute. There could be no questioning it. And even with everything else aside, this legitimizes the no contact rule.

And as I say this, I feel that my gut is finally able to relax on this issue. This is what it has been trying to tell me all along. I must protect my daughter, and I cannot allow this to continue.

(This is the needy alligator, the dad at the pool, as in recent dreams)

Now that I have that resolution, I feel that I can stop investigating my fathers potential pedophilia, and his sexuality. I got what I needed from that. And so that thread of the tapestry can end here. I’m not saying I might not go back and review it, but I feel like I understand enough, I don’t have more questions, that part of it makes sense, and it has motivated me to the appropriate actions.

I also feel as though I know what I need to know about my mother’s emotional incest. I have examined its affects on me. I have deeply thought through the issue, what motivates it, what it looks like in various situations, and the like. I feel as though I can leave emotional incest aside for now. Again, I may add to it in the future, but I feel that that part of the journey is somewhat concluded.

I am not exactly sure what my subconscious will bring up next, but I know the journey is not completed, so I look forward to the next component.

However, it is encouraging to see some progress as far as topics being resolved.

At the same time, I am at the cusp of releasing a podcast where I tell my children stories. Something that has held me back from doing this in the past is thinking of my parents sitting there listening to the stories. Something about that really disgusted me. I am trying to keep my parents out of my life. But if I release this podcast, they can sit there and listen to ours and hours of me telling stories to my children. Yuck!

But here’s the thing: fuck them!

I am a content provider. I provide content. That is what I do. I tell stories, I write blog posts, soon I will write books. I preach sermons, I take photos and put them on social media. I see life in an interesting way and share my insights. That is just what I do!

So there is nothing I can do to stop my parents from absorbing my content, and having an inappropriate relationship with it. The only way I could stop that would be to stop providing content, which is what I have basically done for the last year and a half. I have self censor myself to keep my parents from having fuel. This is true: this is what I have done!

But now? “Go fuck yourself.“ Like, if my parents want to listen to stories that I tell my children, and fantasize and pretend they have some relationship with my kids, go ahead. Like really, I don’t give a fuck. You don’t have a relationship with my kids. If you want to imagine something, that is completely you’re delusional right. You can listen to them and masturbate for all I care.

There is a burning line in the sand. No, it is more like a trench. Like a chasm. Like a deep ravine with the fires of hell burning at the bottom. I am on this side, and I am going to live my damn life. You are on that side, and what you do has nothing to do with me.

There are weird people, and sickos and creeps everywhere. If women only wore clothing that would not arouse men, they would wear nothing but a hijab. If content providers released only content that would not fuel their parents, then they would not release anything that was any good. 

...but I tend to think that as I cut off ties, and as I forbid them to have any relationship with myself, and as I continue to grow apart from them, they will have less and less interest in my content. 

Why would they want to listen to content, about kids taught to have no contact with them, and raised to be what they dislike in people (strong, independent thinkers, responsible, carefree, with beliefs other than theirs)

...but as I say all of this, I realize with sadness that I think I will want to keep the princess stories that I tell my daughter off of my podcast. For the time being, at least. 

As much as I don’t care what they do, I do need to absolutely protect that girl. And so if there’s anything I can do to keep her a little bit safer, I will do it. And I don’t need to allow my father to have some sort of cyber relationship with his granddaughter at this time, even if it is one-sided. 

That is not where I wanted to end this post. I wanted to in this post on a sort of triumphant note. But instead, here is a bit of reality. As much as there is a firm boundary, as much as I don’t give a fuck... what they do over there can still have an influence over here. And so this might be one way that I need to modify my behaviour because of them. It is unfortunate, but a reality. My evil parents may deprive the world of some damn good stories in the short term. But we may reevaluate this in the future, depending how I feel at that time.

Swearwords were invented, in part,

Discussion with wife although I want to be pure in my speech, there are some things I just cannot say without swears. 

Sentiment of f you is on of them. 

Moving towards this: expression of good boundaries.

Also…

wrapping up some parts of the journey

1. Dad as pedophile

• Got what I needed: affirmation that he is dangerous enough to protect my children
• Believe that he is NOT a current threat (at least, no evidence to prove)
• A search would most likely NOT uncover anything legal: may turn on me
• Likely, would just uncover emotional incest
• Talk more about that: hasn’t touched me as much, but I KNOW he would do this
• Tend to think he did it with Hope…
• Strong reason to protect my daughter

…that being said, will publish my stories. And if he is intrigued by them… f him. I will not clip my wings to prevent him from that. I don’t care what he does with them.

2. Emotional incest with mom

• Understand the issues
• Cut all of the ties that I can see
• Not saying we may not circle back, but
• …this issue seems to be closed

…in this way, making progress. The fabric is turned over and hemmed. I may come back and revisit it, but for now, moving on to different topics. 

Would like to learn more about psychology broadly, so as to understand them and myself. DSM-5