Meet "Girlie"

Meet “Girlie”

There are a cluster of thoughts swirling in my mind regarding my mother. As usual, her issues are far more difficult to unravel than my dad’s. And so I will try just listing the thoughts, and go from there…

1. In her e-mail, mom talked about “babbling like a fool” to my uncle, and how he did not respond how she expected, and so she rejected him. She also said she was babbling like a fool to myself, implying she would reject me if I did not respond correctly.
2. In the post “the pain in her eyes,” I can visualize so clearly what it looks like when my mom draws up this other persona. Her cheeks flush, her posture changes, she takes on the goofy smile and misty eyes and just becomes this hurt, scared little six-year-old girl. It is a transformation she makes often. And she thrusts this persona in front of people, at key points such as:
1. When she wants something from dad, such as special treatment (I can imagine her now, shyly licking some precious food that her “beloved husband” got for her. For some reason, he plays right along, and maybe really likes “girlie”)
2. When she really wants something from someone. For example, in the letters she sent to my employers to supposedly “fix” my employment issues as an older teen/young adult, I am sure she used this persona: babbling on, setting her “girlie” emotions front and centre, and weaponizing her emotional needs to try to get her way for her son. (Of course, I can imagine the employers recoiling in horror…such a weird letter. Such a weird mom. Such a weird…guy…to let his mom send a letter like this. Rather than help, these letters shut doors all around me)
3. When she wanted emotional comfort from her sons, because she wasn’t getting it from her husband (this was the “pain in her eyes” post, as well as the whole category of “emotional incest”)
4. When she wants to try to “fix” a relationship, by pulling people into her narcissistic orbit (aka, serve her, on her terms, or get out), she uses this tactic as one of her methods of control
3. Sometimes, art triggers my thoughts in a helpful direction. In a Murdock Mysteries episode, the detective Murdock (set in 1800’s Canada) encounters a murder suspect who has multiple-personality disorder. Some of the personalities are very harsh, and perhaps capable of murder. However, one of the personalities is called “girlie.” This was, apparently, what her (extremely harsh, and murderous) parents called her when they were happy with her. It was bizarre, and a bit creepy, to see an adult actress go from an adult persona of steely cold rage and control to suddenly flipping to acting like an innocent little sweet flower of a girl, obsessed with her doll, and looking up at everyone with the innocent, sometimes afraid and helpless doe-eyed stare of a trembling, abused sweet innocent little girl. Something about that episode rung true, and rung familiar for my mom.
4. Recently, as my mom revealed this tactic in a recent e-mail, I had a sudden flash of thinking of her childhood. Oh, how sad that made me! Too think of the little girl, who genuinely was emotionally neglected, physically abused, and raised in such dysfunction. How incredibly sad! Recently, I worked through the tremendous sadness that was locked inside, as I thought about my own childhood. I was emotionally neglected, and felt so, so, so alone for so long. Inside, that little child was still weeping: I felt such strength enter me when I finally listened to that child, and set him free. Do I have similar pain for my mother? Is there such a thing as a generational grief, for the pain of one’s parent?
5. There is a certain emotional force that comes from “girlie,” when she is evoked. It is somewhat similar to the feeling that I get when my own daughter comes to me in tears: cheeks flushed red with emotions, stumbling over her words as she struggles for words deep enough to tell me of her emotional distress. For my own daughter, I find this body language pulls me naturally to respond to her. It is not a forced thing: I really want to get down on her level, touch her shoulder or head, look in her eyes, and try to hear her heart, and solve her problems. HOWEVER, it does not feel the same with mom/“girlie.” This persona has always felt weird and “dirty.” I think that’s the best way to say it: “weird and dirty.”

Some further reflections…

1. I think, in response to #4, that no…there cannot be deep grief for my mother’s painful upbringing. Yes, it was sad. Yes, there can be grief: on the level that I would have grief for anyone’s bad lot in life. However, it seems that it would be inappropriate to have deep, heart-wrenching grief for my mom’s past. That is not my burden to carry. However,
2. Has this grief been placed on me? Has this burden been made to be my burden to carry. In that case, I would say, “yes.” Definitely, emphatically, yes. Through my training (“grooming”?) as a codependent son, and as an empathic person, and in a relationship of “emotional incest,” yes…my mom definitely placed on me the burden of carrying her grief for her tragic childhood. This may be a bond to cut in some deep subconscious way, or it may just be something to be aware of. As I mentioned, all us boys have always found thins “girlie” persona “gross.” I think we have always pushed her away when she does this. So it may just be to be more aware of it, and push it away more consciously. But it does have a certain power over me, so it is worth thinking more about…
3. This thought bothers me…my journey keeps leading me back to the question, “is my dad a pedophile?” My conscious mind recoils at the very question, and brings up a thousand reasons why this cannot possibly be the case. Of course, I have absolutely no evidence, which is another thing. …and yet… Here again…I mentioned above, “maybe dad likes girlie.” Yes, I think he does. I think that when mom drops into “girlie” mode, that is what dad rewards. That is correct. Almost all of the tender moments between them that I can remember are between the “girlie” persona, and my dad responding to that. That is when he spends half of the week’s grocery bill to buy mom shrimp and expensive chocolates: for girlie. That is when he opens his heart up, and cuddles, kisses, and cares for her: for girlie. That is when his hard face softens, and he actually (sometimes) listens to his wife: for girlie. Not for her other personas. Not for the true woman (if one still exists) that is in there somewhere. Dad loves girlie. When mom drops into that mode:
1. It re-enforces his patriarchal (chauvinistic) stereotype, of women being weak, and needy towards men
2. It pulls on him in some deep way, perhaps making him feel needed, or in control, or able to be the strong one
3. It (perhaps…shudder) draws at him romantically in some way. Is it possible that mom has learned to drop into this mode…because my dad is only really attracted to little girls, and so he married a frightened little girl, and only rewards her with interest when she drops into this mode for him? These thoughts are incredibly disturbing, on so many levels. But how can I know the truth unless I go down the rabbit-hole?
   Note on this: there may also be a diffrerence between an orientation of attraction to young girls, and actions of violating them in some way. Clearly, this all triggered because I was deeply uncomfortable with his behaviours around my young daughter. But none of his actions moved over to a criminal offsece. He just seemed to be looking at her strangely, sitting too close, arm a little too tight, etc. It is possible (and I hope that this is true) that if he is oriented in this way, that he has kept his demons under control, and has not actually harmed anyone. This is certainly my hope. This would not make him trustworthy around my kids…obviously…but it is at least a hopeful thought. It also gives me permission to dig deeper. In trying to understand the dysfunction that gave me life…it is possible that I am digging down and finding a paedophelic orientation which was never acted upon, and not a pedophelic offender…