Narcissism at work: "A test, with no study notes..."

A test with no study notes

In a previous post, I talked about working with Joe, the narcissist who is my supervisor.

I have also been working with Kim, who is a younger guy – a bit younger than myself – with whom I have worked before. He’s a great guy, but really hard on himself. He comes from an even more abusive home than mine.

One day, he was training me on a new piece of equipment. He open the engine compartment and stepped back. After a moment of silence he asked, “what do you see?“ 

An engine I thought. But I could tell it was a test. So I looked intently around. Then I said, “I guess this must be where we test the oil?“ 

“Yes…“ I had passed the test.

The training went on like this for several minutes. He was not mean. But it struck me that there was a test, but he had never trained me. I thought to myself, “this is how this young man was parented… And so was I!“

My dad would put us in situations that we were unprepared for, had no training for, and no clue what to do. Then, he would say, “OK, now what?“

One of his favourite memories to recount — and it was a positive memory for us too – was driving on the ice road. The lakes freeze up here, solid enough to drive cars on. Actually, solid enough to drive big transport trucks on. People plough roads on the ice, and it is a convenient shortcut from point A to point B. Also, it is completely unregulated. So a convenient place for a young teen to learn how to drive.

He would sit us in the driver seat, and just when things were going well, he would grab the steering wheel and yank it violently to the side. Then he would sit back, and watch the car spiral out of control. When we hit the ditch, he would push us out and it would repeat. Mostly, it was a lot of fun. He was usually in a good mood when we were doing this. And we learned very valuable driving skills: skills that may have later saved my life more than once. One time, however, he was not in such a good mood. We were driving, and my dad suddenly noticed an ice ridge. On the large lakes, the ice sometimes expands, causing The ice to break, and part of the ice heaves up, while the other part goes under it. (Similar to mountains along continental divides) This I’ve fudge was huge — almost 4 feet high! Unusually high. If we had hit it with the car, it would be like hitting a cement block. My dad started yelling and cursing at my older brother, grabbed the wheel, reached over and started stepping on the brakes. It was three or four seconds of very intense anger and rage directed at him. Then we skidded to a stop, just short of the ice ridge. There was steam rising metaphorically from the windows of the car.

He can be forgiven, to some extent, for using foul language in a life or death situation. What is more difficult to forgive is that he then spent the next five or 10 minutes, while he was cooling down from the adrenaline, lambasting my older brother for driving so carelessly, and going on and on about the dangers of ice ridges, and driving safely. Well sheesh… That would have been useful information to know before hand!

But this is how it often is with a narcissist, I think. They like throwing people into new situations, to test them. Why? To make them learn? Well, learning is not a bad thing if it reflects well on the narcissist. Better yet if it is a child, and the narcissist feels that if they succeed he succeeds. And so he wants to not only to succeed, but to succeed gloriously in someway. To you know how to do something without even being trained. To be a “genius.”

“Look at my son! He can drive! He can even drive without being taught! He just picked it up. Isn’t he amazing” Aren’t I amazing...?

But what if they don’t know the answer? Well, then they are stupid, aren’t they? And what if something bad happens? Well, I guess they were careless, weren’t they? I guess they should have been paying better attention.

I think this pattern – a test without any instruction — has been the source of a lot of anxiety in me. Maybe it explains why I am always going into situations that I am unprepared for. In academics, for example, when I finally get competent in a field, I get bored of it. I always want to be studying something different. And this is not just curiosity. I really get sick of something that I already know. I want that challenge. Maybe I want that feeling again that I’m being tested, without being trained first. Maybe just because it feels familiar. it has been useful in a way. I have learned a lot in a short amount of time. However, it is disadvantages in the long run. For one thing, I put myself under far too much stress. In language school, I jumped into intermediate, when I should have just gone to beginner. Where I belong. That year would have been so so so much better for myself, and especially for my family. And my writing career will never start until I learn to settle down, and right about what I know, rather than researching what I don’t know.

Training someone is about them. It is about making them a better person. Testing them is about the narcissist. It puts them in a position of power, in the position of judge. And it is a win-win for the narcissist. If the person know something, the narcissist wins. Good job on training them! If the person does not know, the narcissist wins. “Ha ha, you are an idiot, you should have known that! Like I do!” (Never mind that the narcissist has actual experience. They were supposed to share that experience in a kind and generous way — that is what training is! But they just want to skip to the part where they can give a test, and feel powerful..)

I will be a very alert to this in the future.