No Good Deed is Left Unpunished
The Bible says, “love keeps no record of wrongs." What this means is that in a normal relationship (not an abusive one) people “let things slide.“ If someone forgets something minor, the other person will forgive and forget. If someone makes a big mistake, there may be consequences, but once that is dealt with, and a person genuinely repents and shows by their actions that they wish to do better, we move on. Things don’t add up. We keep short accounts with one another. This is how it is supposed to work when people are being decent with one another, or operating out of love.
Of course, this verse may be triggering for those of us raised in religious abuse, because it only applies one way. The abuser is allowed to say, “love keeps no record of wrongs!” Which means, “You have no right to bring up the sins that I am continually doing against you!” Meanwhile, the real or imagined sins against themselves that you have supposedly done anytime in the past adds up against you.
But this is not how it is supposed to be in normal relationships. We don’t add up past offenses. We keep short accounts, deal with problems as they come up, and then we return to our default, which is treating one another the way we want to be treated. Being decent human beings.
I have been realizing in the last couple days that narcissism is something of the opposite of this. Whereas love keeps no record of wrongs, evil keeps no record of rights. Let me explain.
At work, there is an employee named Royce who always gives 150% of what is expected of him. He doesn’t ask for recognition. He has turned down positions of leadership. All he cares about is doing the job right. And repeatedly, he has told me things like, “Don’t do that job. No one does that job except me. It’s not really good for her health, so I will do it. I wouldn’t want you to endanger your health doing that job…“ There is no sense of entitlement as he says this. He is not trying to make me feel guilty or like I owe him. He’s just speaking from his gut: he cares about others and wants to protect them. So he takes on the hard tasks, and works with the truly dangerous chemicals. He cleans up when others won’t. He make sure the plant is running optimally. He makes sure that we passed our safety inspections, and have the equipment that we need.
Joe may pride himself on being the "big man" that gets things done. And he does stomp around every once in a while, and order in an oversupply of that one item that we need it. Or he barges in and yells at everyone and makes everybody hyper focused on their tasks, often causing us to make stupid mistakes. He calls that, “keeping us on our toes.“ Joe may be the boss positionally, but Royce is the one that actually keep things rolling. And he demands no credit for it. In fact, I’m not even sure that he notices. He just doesn’t because that’s how he is.
So the other day, Royce came into the office fuming, but also (I can tell) kind of hurt. Joe had just lambasted him for “making such a mess all over the place!” Royce was hurt, but also confused. While things have been slow, he took two whole days to load supplies into the loader bucket and bring it to a back shed. He got a hose and washed and mucked out a particularly nasty part of the plant. He says he is getting ready for a health and safety inspection in three months. Getting a head start while things are slow. 
By contrast, another employee of similar seniority sits and plays with his phone for hours on end when there is no work. This is a known fact, and he doesn’t even try hard to hide it.
And so why is Joe coming down hard on Royce? It just doesn’t even make sense.
Today, we were a bit slow again. With the new quarantine rules, it was discussed that I should sit in the cab of my truck all day when there was no work. But after sitting for about 15 minutes, I got pretty restless. I remembered we had discussed installing a CB radio. So I took the initiative, went to one of the old truck sitting in the yard, got approval, got them to take it off, and took a few hours installing it very securely and professionally in the cab. (In the previous truck, the radio was attached very haphazardly, and was always coming unplugged, and caused electrical issues on the wipers and dash lights. I took time because I wanted to make sure I was doing a good job!)
Just as I was about to test it out, Joe came barging into my truck – breaking the quarantine rules he had established that morning – and asked, in the combative, joking way he does, “So, are you wanting to make a career out of this or what!?“ I guess what he meant is that I took to long? Again, all I was required to do was sit in my cab. Anything else that I did was bonus. It was completely my idea to install this radio. And I was taking my time because there was time, and because I wanted it done right.
Joel barked out a few instructions about what I should do, not knowing that Royce was all set up to test it out already. So once I explain to him what we were doing, we were able to get the radio tested without too much more of an interruption. No doubt, Joe believes that his contribution was crucial. “Just keeping us on our toes,” as far as he will be concerned, he put the radio in just as much as I did. But if there is a problem with the installation, well, that will be on me. Naturally.
Towards the end of the day, Joe chided me for throwing some garbage into a garbage can without a garbage bag. That is a valid correction. However, in my defense, sometimes there is a garbage bag, sometimes there is not. I’m still fairly new, and don’t know where the garbage bags are.. But beyond being chided on this, it was the attitude. The feeling. I got a very definite impression that I was on the very bottom of the hierarchy, and he was giving me a little poke with his baby tell. “Hey you, down there! Careful how you throw out garbage! Keep in line! Don’t make me come down there and smack you!”
Never mind that I have been going above and beyond. Never mind that I did a job today that I was not required to do, and did it better than most people would have done. Never mind that I took on several other projects while times have been slow, including building some really functional shelves that he complimented me on last week. Never mind all that. Remember, evil keeps no record of rights done. Every day, we start over at zero. Maybe we will do good and are temporarily rewarded. But if we do bad, we get disciplined just like we are a nobody at the bottom.
Joe does, however, keep a record of the wrongs done. And by some perverse logic, evil will blame people for things they have not even done. And so Royce is responsible for the mess in the shop. Just because he’s an employee, and employees make messes. And I’m responsible for forgetting to put wheel chocks behind my wheels. Not because I actually do this, but because I'm a driver, and some drivers forget.
There is no real way to move up. Only down.
In a previous post, I wrote how my mom seems to see everyone at their worst: as though she were visualizing people "in their underwear." This is how Joe seems to see people. Like insects, bugs on a windshield. If they do good -- wow, what a surprise! They may get a little compliment. But the moment that they do bad -- he turns on the wipers and flicks that filth out of his field of vision. There is no real way to improve in his books. Only ways to become more annoying.
This seems to be necessary for his narcissistic games. He needs to convince himself that he is worthwhile: and the easiest way to do so seems to be to convince himself that he is better than others.
This is not the pattern that I see in Royce, and other healthy people. For example, the other day I noticed that Royce (normally conscientious) had bumped an important hose into wet concrete near the end of his shift. On a whim, I made an extra patrol of our station before closing time, and noticed the foible. I took a picture, then removed and washed the hose. No harm done.
I did not show a boss, but showed the picture to Royce. We both laughed, saying, "Wow, that would have made for a pretty annoying day tomorrow!" That's how normal people deal with small mistakes. They alert the other in a way that doesn't make them feel small: they cover over the shame. They try to improve the performance of the other in a way that builds them up. In the process, they build comradery and friendship.
...but all of these things are out of sight for a narcissist, who is so consumed with his personal demons, that his only way of interacting with others is in combat: and to his coworkers and inferiors, his default is condescension, control, insults and attack.
Of course, this verse may be triggering for those of us raised in religious abuse, because it only applies one way. The abuser is allowed to say, “love keeps no record of wrongs!” Which means, “You have no right to bring up the sins that I am continually doing against you!” Meanwhile, the real or imagined sins against themselves that you have supposedly done anytime in the past adds up against you.
But this is not how it is supposed to be in normal relationships. We don’t add up past offenses. We keep short accounts, deal with problems as they come up, and then we return to our default, which is treating one another the way we want to be treated. Being decent human beings.
I have been realizing in the last couple days that narcissism is something of the opposite of this. Whereas love keeps no record of wrongs, evil keeps no record of rights. Let me explain.
At work, there is an employee named Royce who always gives 150% of what is expected of him. He doesn’t ask for recognition. He has turned down positions of leadership. All he cares about is doing the job right. And repeatedly, he has told me things like, “Don’t do that job. No one does that job except me. It’s not really good for her health, so I will do it. I wouldn’t want you to endanger your health doing that job…“ There is no sense of entitlement as he says this. He is not trying to make me feel guilty or like I owe him. He’s just speaking from his gut: he cares about others and wants to protect them. So he takes on the hard tasks, and works with the truly dangerous chemicals. He cleans up when others won’t. He make sure the plant is running optimally. He makes sure that we passed our safety inspections, and have the equipment that we need.
Joe may pride himself on being the "big man" that gets things done. And he does stomp around every once in a while, and order in an oversupply of that one item that we need it. Or he barges in and yells at everyone and makes everybody hyper focused on their tasks, often causing us to make stupid mistakes. He calls that, “keeping us on our toes.“ Joe may be the boss positionally, but Royce is the one that actually keep things rolling. And he demands no credit for it. In fact, I’m not even sure that he notices. He just doesn’t because that’s how he is.
So the other day, Royce came into the office fuming, but also (I can tell) kind of hurt. Joe had just lambasted him for “making such a mess all over the place!” Royce was hurt, but also confused. While things have been slow, he took two whole days to load supplies into the loader bucket and bring it to a back shed. He got a hose and washed and mucked out a particularly nasty part of the plant. He says he is getting ready for a health and safety inspection in three months. Getting a head start while things are slow. 
By contrast, another employee of similar seniority sits and plays with his phone for hours on end when there is no work. This is a known fact, and he doesn’t even try hard to hide it.
And so why is Joe coming down hard on Royce? It just doesn’t even make sense.
Today, we were a bit slow again. With the new quarantine rules, it was discussed that I should sit in the cab of my truck all day when there was no work. But after sitting for about 15 minutes, I got pretty restless. I remembered we had discussed installing a CB radio. So I took the initiative, went to one of the old truck sitting in the yard, got approval, got them to take it off, and took a few hours installing it very securely and professionally in the cab. (In the previous truck, the radio was attached very haphazardly, and was always coming unplugged, and caused electrical issues on the wipers and dash lights. I took time because I wanted to make sure I was doing a good job!)
Just as I was about to test it out, Joe came barging into my truck – breaking the quarantine rules he had established that morning – and asked, in the combative, joking way he does, “So, are you wanting to make a career out of this or what!?“ I guess what he meant is that I took to long? Again, all I was required to do was sit in my cab. Anything else that I did was bonus. It was completely my idea to install this radio. And I was taking my time because there was time, and because I wanted it done right.
Joel barked out a few instructions about what I should do, not knowing that Royce was all set up to test it out already. So once I explain to him what we were doing, we were able to get the radio tested without too much more of an interruption. No doubt, Joe believes that his contribution was crucial. “Just keeping us on our toes,” as far as he will be concerned, he put the radio in just as much as I did. But if there is a problem with the installation, well, that will be on me. Naturally.
Towards the end of the day, Joe chided me for throwing some garbage into a garbage can without a garbage bag. That is a valid correction. However, in my defense, sometimes there is a garbage bag, sometimes there is not. I’m still fairly new, and don’t know where the garbage bags are.. But beyond being chided on this, it was the attitude. The feeling. I got a very definite impression that I was on the very bottom of the hierarchy, and he was giving me a little poke with his baby tell. “Hey you, down there! Careful how you throw out garbage! Keep in line! Don’t make me come down there and smack you!”
Never mind that I have been going above and beyond. Never mind that I did a job today that I was not required to do, and did it better than most people would have done. Never mind that I took on several other projects while times have been slow, including building some really functional shelves that he complimented me on last week. Never mind all that. Remember, evil keeps no record of rights done. Every day, we start over at zero. Maybe we will do good and are temporarily rewarded. But if we do bad, we get disciplined just like we are a nobody at the bottom.
Joe does, however, keep a record of the wrongs done. And by some perverse logic, evil will blame people for things they have not even done. And so Royce is responsible for the mess in the shop. Just because he’s an employee, and employees make messes. And I’m responsible for forgetting to put wheel chocks behind my wheels. Not because I actually do this, but because I'm a driver, and some drivers forget.
There is no real way to move up. Only down.
In a previous post, I wrote how my mom seems to see everyone at their worst: as though she were visualizing people "in their underwear." This is how Joe seems to see people. Like insects, bugs on a windshield. If they do good -- wow, what a surprise! They may get a little compliment. But the moment that they do bad -- he turns on the wipers and flicks that filth out of his field of vision. There is no real way to improve in his books. Only ways to become more annoying.
This seems to be necessary for his narcissistic games. He needs to convince himself that he is worthwhile: and the easiest way to do so seems to be to convince himself that he is better than others.
This is not the pattern that I see in Royce, and other healthy people. For example, the other day I noticed that Royce (normally conscientious) had bumped an important hose into wet concrete near the end of his shift. On a whim, I made an extra patrol of our station before closing time, and noticed the foible. I took a picture, then removed and washed the hose. No harm done.
I did not show a boss, but showed the picture to Royce. We both laughed, saying, "Wow, that would have made for a pretty annoying day tomorrow!" That's how normal people deal with small mistakes. They alert the other in a way that doesn't make them feel small: they cover over the shame. They try to improve the performance of the other in a way that builds them up. In the process, they build comradery and friendship.
...but all of these things are out of sight for a narcissist, who is so consumed with his personal demons, that his only way of interacting with others is in combat: and to his coworkers and inferiors, his default is condescension, control, insults and attack.
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