Pictures from the past, part 2: bypassing mental “protectors

After talking about it, my wife and I decided that I would not look at the stack of pictures and memorabilia that my mom had sent me, as a coded message. At this point, I am processing a lot: going through that stack would be needlessly tiring. And of course, I would have thoughts like, “Why did she include this, and not that? Why did she keep this all these years? And why has she chosen to give them to me now?” It’s just emotions that could be better spent elsewhere. 

At my last hypnotherapy session, I had a really hard time getting going, because I really felt like I “just didn’t want to go there.” I knew I had to talk about my feelings of intense loneliness and isolation as a very young child: but I did not want to relive those memories. As we talked, I realized that I had started looking through old memorabilia as we were packing to move. When I pulled out an old teddy bear from when I was three or four, I suddenly stuffed it back in the box. I felt very dark: not spiritually dark, but just a negative energy. Like, “Not now. I do not want to deal with that now. Put it away. Put it away!” 

Emotions can be very hard to deal with at times. They can be draining, confusing. They can bring us back to times of stress, trauma, frailty, and confusion. This is why, in the book Jumper, the abusive father of the protagonist chose to use a childhood item to stick a threatening note to the refrigerator, for the protagonist to read. The message itself was confusing and damaging: but combined with all of the emotions brought up from the memorabilia, it was meant to be crippling. The sort of thing that worms its way into one’s mind, and won’t let them stop thinking about it. Not until the abuser gets them back, or kills them trying.

In my hypnotherapy session, we discussed that the mind creates “protectors.” I envisioned a large rock that rolled in front of a cave and said, “no.” We had to speak to him, and ask him to leave before we could go in the cave, metaphorically speaking to the child within about the pain that he had experienced as a child. Later, this rock got up (and was like a rock-giant) and tried to stop religion from speaking. It makes sense. There are mental “blocks” in place. I have been very aware at times of my life that I actually could go crazy. This was a recurring thought as a late teen. I might be going crazy. I could go crazy. I could already be crazy. I really had a fear of mental illness. And maybe (I am just thinking about this now) all of the dysfunction with which I was surrounded was the reason for this fear. That might be something to look into at some point.

But at any rate, we have blockers. Protectors in our minds. Even the really good times and memories can be overwhelming. One cannot experience one’s graduation, and memories of a long-lost friend, and good times with parents (which might also be a really complex one to process) and also pictures of the childhood dog and etc. etc. etc all at once…while also trying to process a complex ongoing relational problem. It’s just too much. System overload. Poof. The brain goes into crisis mode.

Right where the abuser wants it to be. So that the victim can be the crazy one, and the abuser can look like they are the sane one.

It is fascinating to learn more and more tactics that narcissists use. One would think that they all went to school to learn to do these things. They do not, of course. But as we victims of narcissistic abuse become educated, the tools which narcissist very consistently use against us will fall one by one to the ground as useless fodder.

“No weapon formed against you shall prosper.”

Amen. May it be so, Lord.